Due to start IVF and relationship falling apart

[Bathmat1]

I think our relationship is doomed. It's always been difficult but there's good stuff there too. We've been doing relationship counselling as we're both tricky and bad at communicating. But I can't win at the moment. He talks in riddles, has outbursts, can't remember anything except every detail of every disagreement. I think he has ADHD but he won't address it. I feel he's goading me into ending it because he doesn't have the guts. I'm so sad. I'm 40 and we've waited so long to get to this point with the IVF. I don't know what advice I need. I just feel so lonely right now. I don't want to call a friend. I feel so embarrassed to be failing at this. I don't know what to do.

I’m so sorry OP, but as someone who has been through 4 rounds of IVF in 18 months my strong advice would be not to do it with someone if your relationship is already in crisis. IVF is the most demanding thing I’ve ever done - it is physically and emotionally exhausting and would put strain on the strongest relationship.

So sorry OP - please do ring your friends, you need support.

Could you go this alone??

Using donor sperm will very likely up your chances of success and will mean you are not tied to a man who doesn’t seem like a great communicator. Have a think about going it alone. Really don’t delay if you think solo parenting might be for you

Doing it solo is not an option for me sadly. I don't have the money to support myself alone. I don't have family nearby for support (and my coupled/married friends with lots of family support still find parenting very tough). And I'm not sure how I feel about donor sperm as well.

Maybe if I was very wealthy and could afford incredible childcare and a male friend who wanted to co parent I would consider it.

But no, I think if this relationship is over I won't pursue another one and that's children gone for me.

I would not undergo IVF in such circumstances.

Why do you think he has ADHD?. What are you basing that on, what is your reasoning behind this assumption?. I would stop trying to analyse him. To me what you’ve been describing in your relationship with him is actually the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that has nothing whatsoever to do with ADHD.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would not undergo IVF in such circumstances.

Why do you think he has ADHD?. What are you basing that on, what is your reasoning behind this assumption?. I would stop trying to analyse him. To me what you’ve been describing in your relationship with him is actually the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that has nothing whatsoever to do with ADHD.

Just all of the symptoms in adult ADHD. Our therapist agrees - or rather said she had wondered about that in him too. I do have a thing where I look to analyse and explain things, you're right. I don't know about nasty/nice but there's definitely a bit of an avoidant/anxious relationship thing that has gone on before.

I have been doing therapy a very long time, years and years before we met so there's certainly an imbalance in how we can communicate things, but I wouldn't say I'm blameless in our issues.

Thanks for responding.

F

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

Has your therapist ever met this man?. It could be that your therapist is not qualified to diagnose this in a person.

Whatever the reasons are for him being as he is, it’s not your fault he is the ways he is. He likely wants you to end this relationship so he can then go around and tell anyone who cares to listen, “ oh she left me”.

@47AttilaTheMeerkat has she met him? Well we've done all our sessions over Zoom but yes she's our couples counsellor so has lots of experience of talking to and listening to him.

Do you think that couples counselling is now a waste of both time and effort particularly if you think the relationship is doomed?.

What do you yourself know about this man’s family background and or childhood?. That often gives clues. And even if he did have ADHD which is unlikely, he is as you’ve already stated not going to address this anyway.

Not sure I have an answer for you, but I was in a similar position: on waiting list for nearly 3yrs for IVF, in that time my best friend died, my mum got diagnosed with cancer & the day after she died, the letter to start IVF arrived. However, while I was nursing my dying mum, my (now Ex) H was sleeping with our cleaner (he was old enough to be her dad )
I was then in a similar dilemma to you .. desperate for a child / married to an **hole.
He knew I'd found out about the affair & we went ahead with IVF but I could never forgive or trust him & we divorced 11yrs later ... 11yrs of abuse, control & hell, but I walked into the decision to have my DD with my eyes open & accepted the choice I made. I don't regret it, but it was an incredibly difficult 11yrs & ultimately I'll never be free of my ExH while my DD has a relationship with him.
Good luck 🍀 I feel for you as it's an incredibly difficult & personal decision to make.

You don’t have to be wealthy to raise a child alone. I’m not sure where that idea comes from. Most of my friends are single mums, moderate means living in average sized houses with normal jobs and everybody is fine and happy, most of them don’t have a man involved. If it’s important to you to have kids then do it.

@Bathmat1

Doing it solo is not an option for me sadly. I don't have the money to support myself alone. I don't have family nearby for support (and my coupled/married friends with lots of family support still find parenting very tough). And I'm not sure how I feel about donor sperm as well.

Maybe if I was very wealthy and could afford incredible childcare and a male friend who wanted to co parent I would consider it.

But no, I think if this relationship is over I won't pursue another one and that's children gone for me.

@Bathmat1

I'm a solo mum by choice (IVF with a sperm donor). I hope my story gives you some insight.

It is certainly doable but you do need to have some things in place. What is your work situation like? Do you have any savings? Are you able to move to be nearer your family?

I have no family nearby - they're either in a different part of the UK or they're abroad. I do have a full time permanent job which allowed me to qualify for the SMP as well as the enhanced occupational part of my salary. I own my flat (mortgaged). I gave birth last Friday so have my newborn baby boy at home with me now!

I do have a very good close friend who has been on this journey with me since the beginning but he isn't my romantic partner. I'm responsible 24/7 for the child, legally, financially and emotionally and that's OK because this is a choice I've made. The other choice would have been to remain childless and waiting for the conditions in life to be perfect.

How resilient would you consider yourself to be otherwise? We cannot always have perfect conditions to get things started. Sometimes it needs to be just good enough and the rest you work out as you go along.

You know that aged 40 your chances of conception statistically are slim; less than 11% according to NHS website. You may or may not fall within or outside the statistical range, it is impossible to know /predict in advance. IVF is a frontier science, and assuming it would work on the first cycle is highly optimistic, do you need to be prepared that it may or may not work anyway. Should you try to go st it alone, Also as a single female you won't qualify for any financial help as far as I'm aware if you live in England.

Time is of the essence for you. I wouldn't have a child with your current partner/relationship it appears to be too unstable.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all these, especially at 40 -I know it's a lot trickier- Being in a relationship and being always in tension can be so tiring emotionally. Huge hugs to you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As someone who has had ivf, I would not do it without a supportive partner (I think I would've done it alone though). You need a reliable person by your side. How reliable is he? You have to go through the process, which is tough and you will be on a host of hormonal medication which will possibly put further strain on your relationship. Then on the day of implantation what if you had had an argument or he decided he didn't want to do it (he needs to provide the sperm obvs) that would be heartbreaking.

I was 28 when I had ivf so my chances were good. Luckily it worked first time, but given your age unfortunately it's likely to be a long process. Do you think as s couple you can ride that out?
Sending hugs 💐💐

IVF it's hard, I am doing it alone, and trust me there are many moments I need a break from me. Unfortunately I am the last one that should offer relationship advice, but know that this is tough on all of us and it brings out weird sides of ourselves, especially us with ADHD.