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Original poster

Would this annoy you

14 replies

sunny90 · 05/12/2021 10:28

Asked DP if he wanted to go out for some lunch as I can’t remember the last time we did anything together. I just thought it’d be nice to get out before he goes back to work tomorrow. He said no, I asked how come and he said he didn’t feel 100% and his hair was a messConfused About 10 minutes the conversation he tells me he is going out watching his friend play football. I feel really second best

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 10:41

Why does it matter to you what other people would feel, OP? It sounds like you're looking for validation that it's ok or normal to feel the way you feel.

Your feelings are valid (all of them), regardless of whether anybody else would feel the same. The question really is 'Why isn't he respecting my feelings?' Have you done your bit in the process of getting him to respect them, by communicating them to him clearly? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

Original poster
sunny90 · 05/12/2021 11:02

@TheFoundations I just sometimes wonder if I expect too much from him. That if he would rather go and watch football then I should just accept that. I tend not to explain myself to him anymore as he usually manages to get in my head that I am in the wrong then he will make me feel bad for being annoyed with him

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 11:04

That if he would rather go and watch football then I should just accept that

Where is the 'should' coming from here? What entity/person/rulebook/guidance gets to tell you what you should and shouldn't like or accept in your relationship (and any other part of your life)?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 11:09

He seems to be communicating his displeasure to you just fine. You're an option to him, not a priority and he has stated he would rather watch his friend play football than eat lunch with you. When was the last time you did anything like that as a couple?. It seems ok for him to do as he pleases but if the shoe was on the other foot he would not be at all forgiving.

He sounds dreadful anyway and he making you feel bad for being annoyed with him is a huge red flag that you cannot and should not minimise at all. I would end this relationship and rebuild your life without him in it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2021 11:11

You are second best. At least today. That must really hurt. He wasn’t even honest, he lied to your face and treated you like a mug.

Sorry Flowers

Can you meet someone else for lunch?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 11:12

I think over time he has worn you down; you perhaps on some level wonder who the hell you are now and what he has really reduced you to believing (and like TheFoundations has written here, where has the "should" come from?). Such men do huge harm to self worth and self esteem particularly if these were rocky to begin with.

doitwithlove · 05/12/2021 11:15

Can you have a late lunch?

While he is at football pamper yourself.... a long soak/face mask/hair treatment.

Original poster
sunny90 · 05/12/2021 11:23

@AttilaTheMeerkat Yes I agree. Sometimes it’s like talking to a brick wall. I’m tired of it now, I guess I’ve just accepted it (which I know is wrong)
@doitwithlove I’d love to have a pamper/relax but we have 2 young children so unless he’s here I can’t. He likes to use the kids as an excuse too. “What if they start messing about in the restaurant or “what if the baby needs changing” like wtf? Why can’t I change him in the toilets? That’s what being a parent is about. Just because we have children doesn’t mean we can’t go out and bring them with us. He would know that if I asked my mum to have them for a couple of hours while we went out she would. She’s always offering. It’s just excuse after excuse

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 11:42

No, no no please do not accept this.

Would you want your children as adults to be in a relationship like this, no you would not would you?. You would want more for them and it is more than ok to expect far more from a relationship.

I would urge you to ultimately break free of this individual you are currently with. I bet he is neither of use or ornament with his children either and he has to all intents and purposes opted out of family life because its too "hard" for him the poor lambkins Angry.

doitwithlove · 05/12/2021 11:47

@sunny90 i am totally on your wavelength regards excuse after excuse, that was one of the reasons why my kids dad is now an exh. Your DP made a commitment to have kids but doesn't want any involvement in doing family things.

Time to start doing your own thing whilst he looks after the kids.

Momijin · 05/12/2021 11:49

Sometimes having other plans is fine but not consistently.

Iloveacurry · 05/12/2021 11:56

I would suggest next weekend you make some plans with a friend and leave him at home with the kids.

Buildingthefuture · 05/12/2021 15:47

Yes, that would annoy me and hurt my feelings. I agree with @iloveacurry. Next weekend, make plans for yourself and leave him with the kids.

SunflowerTed · 05/12/2021 15:52

Sounds like his priorities are elsewhere. Frank conversation needed

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