Resentment

[Sara8313]

I'm a very introverted lady, possibly a bit codependent. My husband is very aggressive and has narcissist traits. I guess these styles don't really mix.

My problem is communication. I struggle to communicate well, especially with him, as he gets defensive and angry. So things have happened in our relationship which I haven't addressed. I've just allowed them to be brushed under the carpet, all for an easy life. This has been going on for at least 3 years. As we aren't arguing, he assumes everything is ok.

Problem now, is that resentment has built up and I've begun to almost secretly hate him.

Not sure what to do from here?

Couples therapy focusing on interpersonal communication?

@EmpressCixi yes, counselling was in my thoughts, but he's very stubborn and I know wouldn't take well to counselling. There's a part of me that just wants rid of him

I feel anxious around him. When he's out I feel so much calmer. When I hear the car pull up in the drive, I'm on edge as I don't know what mood he's going to be.

Feel a bit flat

Do you love him OP? What good things are there in your relationship?

Your post suggests you want to leave him, what’s stopping you?

@Electricbug321 I honestly can't think of what I would miss if he left.

The love has gone - I can't bear him to even touch me.

He's my only relationship, so he's all I know. I really fear the unknown and almost feel safer in this bubble of anxiety. I have low self esteem unfortunately

@EmpressCixi

Couples therapy focusing on interpersonal communication?

I don't think couples therapy is suitable for a relationship where abusive behaviour is at play, which it sounds like is likely from OP's post:

My husband is very aggressive and has narcissist traits.

OP narcissists aren't compatible with anyone. Not healthily, anyway. They are 'compatible' with people they manipulate in the sense that the narcissist gets what they want and can therefore be satisfied in the relationship. But their partner/victim cannot have a healthy and happy life as they are, in the narcissist's mind, only there to serve the narcissists needs rather than being an equal party.

You say he's very aggressive - are you comfortable elaborating on that or giving examples? It might help people with what services to signpost you to / advice to give.

If he is an abusive narcissist, you need to leave.

Sorry, OP. I know it's hard. I had to do the same, after mine had done a number on my (admittedly already low) self esteem and isolated me.

Life is still hard sometimes, but it's way better without him.

Focus on the fact that you feel much better when he isn’t there. Splitting up and entering the unknown will be scary, it’s a big change. But I’m the other side of it you can permanently feel like you do when he isn’t around, and you won’t have to worry about when he returns. You can build your life any way you choose.

Maybe make a list of the steps that would need to happen you you to leave? Or book a chat with a solicitor to see what your options are. Do you work, do you share children? Do you own or rent your home?

Oh, and to address your specific issue: based on what you say, you are resentful because he is an abusive twat. This is a natural and healthy response to mistreatment.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

It's his aggressive nature. It can be little things like dropping a glass on the floor and he will shout out "oh for f**ks sake!!".

Any argument he will raise his voice, slam doors etc.

Always arguing with friends and family.

I grew up in a household where I see my parents argue and fight. So as an adult, if I hear loud voices, aggressive tones it causes bad anxiety for me

@electricbug321 I rent from a housing association, so he would have to leave

2 daughters, 9&7. I work during school hours.

@gelatodipistacchio yes he's definitely worn me down. Although I often blame myself - I've allowed bad things to happen without addressing them. I haven't been strong and should have not have cowered for so long

If you don’t have children what’s stopping you from divorcing? It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

@Purplewithred 2 children and we aren't married.

When you have bad anxiety like me, someone who will panic and lose sleep over an upcoming team meeting, to end a 16 year relationship is very hard.

[quote Sara8313]@youvegottenminuteslynn

It's his aggressive nature. It can be little things like dropping a glass on the floor and he will shout out "oh for f**ks sake!!".

Any argument he will raise his voice, slam doors etc.

Always arguing with friends and family.

I grew up in a household where I see my parents argue and fight. So as an adult, if I hear loud voices, aggressive tones it causes bad anxiety for me[/quote]
Oh my love this is so sad. It's so far from normal and healthy and acceptable.

Living in this constant state of panic with an abusive partner, and that's what he is, is so incredibly damaging not just for you but for your daughters.

Would it help you to leave if you thought about the fact this is your opportunity to break the cycle? The longer you stay, the more likely your two daughters will think this is normal and end up in relationships where they dread their parent coming home and are frightened of them.

If you leave, you can show them it is NOT acceptable and they will be less likely to end up in similar relationships. Does that help you at all? I hope it does, the current situation isn't sustainable for anyone involved

@youvegottenminuteslynn thanks for your reply. Yes, that's the thing I know I need to do - break that cycle.

As a child, me and mum would hear my Dad pull up and we both were on edge. It's had a massive effect on me.

And now it's happening to me as an adult. So I need to protect my girls. They are what will give me the strength.

I'm so low now though, I'm on antidepressants and am struggling to sleep.

Hopefully I can find this much needed strength!

Imagine how you'd have felt if your mum had broken up with your dad, given you a safe home and you could laugh your heart out and be yourself entirely without being frightened of pissing off your dad, without dreading him coming home. How you'd have felt if you saw your mum having a new lease of life, her friends popping over for lovely times, her telling you you can have your mates over for a sleepover and stay up as a treat etc.

Give your girls the gift of those feelings. Due to their ages now is a brilliant, brilliant time to do this.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you. I remember being desperate for my mum to run away with us. Unfortunately she died when I was 10. So I have a lot of scars.

But I need to do everything I can to give my girls a better, happy life.

I don't know what to say to him. We haven't argued for a while, so he senses I'm fairly ok. Do I say I don't love him anymore? In which case I know he will start asking how long etc and provoke an angry response.

A more subtle approach - my feelings towards you have slowly started to change.

Or use mental health issues and say I feel happier alone.

I've never done this before 😔

If I were you I wouldn't say anything yet.

Make a plan. There will be more experienced posters than me who can suggest how to do this.

Would you feel able to call Womens Aid sometime next week OP? They could talk you through your options and help you map a route to getting out.

Narcissists don't actually care why you're leaving, they just want you to stay and be compliant. So IMO there's no point flagging it to him before you make a definite decision and have a plan in place.

My DH has also worn me down, and I’ve also let slide things that I would have kicked off about years ago. He has this ‘face’ that he pulls if I try to question anything. Yet everyone thinks he’s a great guy.
I don’t know what I’ve become, I used to be fearless.

OP,
He needs to leave.
Since you don't own a property jointly, and you pay the rent, the finances shouldn't be too much of a problem.
I would ask Citizens Advice Bureau for suggestions as to how you go about this.

At least you have a home that he has no rights to and a job so some financial independence. Its not easy, but is the anxiety of leaving really greater than staying with someone who sounds fairly unpredictable and angry? Your children will also see how you are treated and it will influence how they view future relationships no doubt. Take the leap of faith, you and your children deserve better.

[quote Sara8313]@Purplewithred 2 children and we aren't married.

When you have bad anxiety like me, someone who will panic and lose sleep over an upcoming team meeting, to end a 16 year relationship is very hard.[/quote]

It's sounds, @Sara8313, as though you need counselling just for yourself - without him so you can be helped to find some mental strength to separate from your partner. Thank goodness you are not married and the HA rental property is in your name- so a couple of hurdles you won't have to jump. But - you will need to get yourself to a place where you feel strong enough to tell (not ask) him to leave, for your own peace of mind and future happiness. When you DO feel you can get him to leave, do give him as short a deadline as possible and do put in a child maintenance claim (CMS) so he can continue to support your joint children. Also look at what benefits you'd be entitled to when he leaves (www.entitledo.co.uk).

Once he leaves tell the HA and change the locks (don't accept him actually handing keys back to you) - keys are easily copied.

Good luck. 🌹

[quote Sara8313]@Purplewithred 2 children and we aren't married.

When you have bad anxiety like me, someone who will panic and lose sleep over an upcoming team meeting, to end a 16 year relationship is very hard.[/quote]
You need to switch this. Otherwise you will be the lifelong victim of narcissistic abuse from your partner.

You see yourself as a victim of anxiety, as if it is something external that's coming at you and you can't fight. But it's internal: it's your own creation. Your anxiety exists only inside you. It's not an entity to anybody else, unless you tell/show them that it's there.

What this means is that you are responsible for your anxiety. You can do something about it. You can exercise healthy boundaries, and this is how you do it:

If a person makes you feel anxiety, you distance yourself from them.

That's it. That's how you manage anxiety in relationships. You can distance yourself by ending relationships, you can distance yourself by not discussing your feelings, you can distance yourself by spending less time together, you can distance yourself by avoiding the argument situations (not by allowing your boundaries to be crossed, but by simply vanishing from the scene when the atmosphere turns unpleasant) There's lots of options available to you other than leaving, and things you can do to take responsibility for your feelings. Once you start to do it, you'll feel better, more in control, more like you don't just have to cope with anxiety, and that you've got some power in the situation. You don't have to tell him anything.

And ultimately, when you do decide to leave, you simply say 'I'm not happy here.' You don't have to go into detail. The less info you give him, the less he can argue against. If you avoid criticising him, he can't defend himself. You just have to start your sentences with 'I'.

In an abusive relationship, the fault is the abuser's. Altogether. 100% But given that there's no way to 'fix' an abuser, the victim is the one who is responsible for moving themselves into a healthier future. Take charge, OP. Your anxiety is your own creation. Your feelings are your own responsibility. What circumstances you choose to be in is just that: your choice. Getting rid of anxiety isn't about 'learning to deal with it' It's about choosing not to be in situations that trigger it.

This was my first relationship to a tee. Hearing his car pull up and waiting to hear how loud the front door slammed to know if I should hide or not. Constantly swearing and throwing his weight around. It's exhausting and endless.

I started personal therapy and worked on my anxiety and other behaviours. I gained a lot more confidence but he was still bringing me down (I suspect on purpose) and realised I was never going to get better with him. It took me a further six months to tell him it was over because I was so afraid of his reaction. I still found the break up hard but just knowing my house was a safe space were no-one could come storming in and out of it made such a difference.

I would contact women's aid if you can, as they will be able to help with safety planning etc just in a worst case scenario. You could also ask the police to attend the property.