Sex life with my DH

[NameChangeforObviousR]

Posting this on Relationships as advised, as Sex forum is very quiet!

Seeking advice about how to start up good sex life with my DH. It's a bit embarrassing but I'm sure it's pretty common. Briefly, we had a baby in 2020 and for ages afterwards I didn't want sex - we tried a few times but I was suddenly very dry and sore due to drop in hormones. Spoke to GP eventually after a number of months who prescribed oestrogen gel. Anyway, aside from that it's the usual story - I feel constantly tired looking after toddler, busy SAHP, missing my self confidence. Childcare issues meant I didn't return to my job which I am missing and I think it's taken away a huge part of my identity and feeling like a sexy woman as opposed to a tired nearly middle aged, frazzled mum.

In a nutshell I just haven't felt sexy or horny for months. I love my DH and whilst we've had some rocky patches since having a baby our relationship is good and I do fancy him. He's a bit younger than me and I find him good looking etc. But since baby I haven't felt horny anymore. It's just gone. I suggested and he agreed we try a maintenance shag once a week (we don't call it that as it's off-putting, but that's essentially what it is) to try to keep things ticking along. I guess I've been hoping that I'll just suddenly want to rip his clothes off one day, but it never happens. I'd rather get into my pyjamas early and make a herbal tea or a glass of wine! I don't want to feel that way.

Last week I had a really sexy dream about a high profile person in the public eye (embarrassing!). They are older than DH but do a similar job to him, though they are in the public eye, and dress similarly for their job. Since then I've had a few daydream fantasies about sex with this famous person - harmless stuff. I thought it was a good sign that I was feeling horny, but when I try to "transfer" those daydreams on to my DH it doesn't work!

Now I'm more worried because the sexy dream and subsequent day fantasies mean that I am capable of feeling horny after all - but it's not happening about my DH.

I don't know what to do about it. Everything I read suggests trying naughty underwear etc but it's the last thing I feel like! Also we have no childcare to go away by ourselves or anything.

Has anyone been through this and found their mojo again? Any advice?

You are mis interpreting your dream. It doesn't matter who was in your dream, that's irrelevant, it means your libido is returning. Your hormones are balancing out again. You have had a year of not feeling horny and you have had this dream only last week. So,give it a few weeks and your desire for sexy time with your husband will begin to re-emerge. It's a great sign that you've began to think about sex even if it is is whilst your asleep

Keep up the maintenance shags. My DW and I agreed we should try at least once a week when our DC were young. That was nearly 20 years ago, one of the best decisions we ever made. Yes some of the sex was routine and not very memorable and yes we sometimes did it when one of us was not especially keen. But we had a deal, and it kept the spark alive and as time went on things improved. Now we are in our early 60s and still have an active and fulfilling sex life.

Are you still breastfeeding? Breastfeeding absolutely destroyed my libido, to the extent that that was a factor in my decisions about how long to breastfeed for.

You could try having child free time together.

No childcare at all? For a weekend away?
If not don't worry - I never had any.

Buy childcare for evenings out. Babysitters are much cheaper than a relationship breakdown. Budget for it, prioritise it over savings.

Or go out in the day - when Dc is in nursery?

Evenings at home after Dc are asleep can work a bit but not as much as going out together. If you must do it this way - have him cook a fancy and dress up!

Also - it isn't the most feminist thing to say but it is a fact - prioritise hair and beauty and clothes. Particularly before a night out. Like you used to do when you were first dating. You wouldn't have wooed him then without hair done, makeup, nice clothes etc. Same now.

Once the setting and costume is right - the rest will follow naturally. If it feels wrong - just do snogging the first time, but do try to do sex the next time even unless its completely abhorrent.

Thanks @douliket yeah I think that's what I was referring to in my post - that I felt the horny dream must be a positive as I am definitely still capable of feeling it!

@Anothernick helpful to know, thank you!

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo no not since 4 months (expressed until then). So over a year.

@crystal1717 at present no childcare. Child is not in nursery either. I look after DC full time. The childcare around here was unavailable during Covid and got booked up. Until we find something we are without any external childcare, including babysitting. This is probably a massive factor.