Recently separated & Christmas

[marigolds113]

DH of 30 years has decided that our relationship may have run its course but he’s still ‘thinking’ - he moved out 4 months ago and to say I took it badly is an understatement. Allegedly my extreme response has made things worse - I do wear my heart in my mouth. When I say I’m done ‘thinking’ and I’m ending it he doesn’t resist but says he doesn’t want a divorce.
In the scheme of things, Christmas seems such a trivial concern but I’m completely conflicted. I don’t see why he should come here but on the other hand I’d feel awful if he was on his own but I know it will be really difficult for me (my emotions are all over the place - tears come at anytime and I know Christmas will be a trigger)
Our kids all over 21 still live at home understand my reservations but also think it’s sad if he’s on his own. What should I do? Seems like lose/lose - I’ll feel really awful/sad if he comes and will feel stressed/sad if he comes.

Where is he living now?. What made him leave as he did; was there another woman?. I would think he would not be on his own for Christmas at all and if he was that is really not your problem to solve for him.

I would further not let him dictate terms i.e he does not want a divorce. What does he want then?. To keep you hanging and or do the "pick me dance"?. That won't do you any favours either.

Are you seeing a counsellor currently?. If not I would arrange to see such a person as soon as you are able.

Hi Attila, he’s living about 30 mins away. I don’t think there’s anyone else.
Lockdown didn’t help. We’ve all been working from home & any issues blew up.
He left to ‘not give up on us’ but so ‘we can see the best in each other’.

His lack of communication/sharing has pushed me over the impatient edge & I have said some awful things in ‘fight or flight’ mode. So he’s seen/heard the worst in me. But for balance, I think I’m seeing the worst in him as he refuses to clarify/communicate and seems quite cold.

We’re seeing a couples counsellor & I’m seeing one (£££££) Not sure the couples one is working but scared to jump ship & try to find another one.
My head is all over the place :(

Not your problem. Carry on without him.

@marigolds113

His lack of communication/sharing has pushed me over the impatient edge & I have said some awful things in ‘fight or flight’ mode. So he’s seen/heard the worst in me. But for balance, I think I’m seeing the worst in him as he refuses to clarify/communicate and seems quite cold.

He's very much ahead of you in this isn't he, and you are playing catch-up. Also it sounds as though he's compartmentalised you and is making decisions which affects you, for his own advantage, without open communication - apart from those couples counselling sessions which you don't seem to have much faith in, whilst for you he is very much, at least emotionally, part of your overall life.

In your situation I would do some personal (and discrete) legwork to see what your financial situation would be if YOU decide to divorce. Eg: what is your own financial situation regarding savings, investment, pension, working capital, equity in the house? Do you have that same information for him? Take that information and consult a family law solicitor (check out "Find a solicitor" on the website of the Solicitors Regulatory Authority/SRA.

You may decide, once "getting your ducks in a row" that this isn't the direction you wish to pursue, or you may reconcile. Knowledge, however, is power, and it's to your advantage to know exactly how you stand whatever your final position is.

Strength to you OP. 🌹

You absolutely do not spend Christmas Day with someone who is making up his mind about you and your future!
Take back some power!

It’s a no. Surely he needs to feel the impact of his decisions in order to aid his thinking. You deserve better than this

Spending Christmas with someone you're in the process of separating from is shit. I'd strongly suggest not doing do it. Suggest the kids go over to his place on boxing Day to see him. Spend Christmas Day without him. If you have any other family or friends you can invite over that may help his absence feel less acute. It is absolutely not your place to worry about him being alone. Maybe that's what he wants/needs. If not, it's his problem not yours.

He moved out four months ago yet you still seem to be completely in limbo and waiting for him to decide what he wants to do. Time to prioritise your own feelings. Don't have him for Christmas if it would just result in you feeling worse, and start exploring your options re: divorce. After all, maybe a Christmas without you will help him realise what he's missing out on.

Hes the one who decided your marraige is over, so he should’t expect to play happy families with you just because its christmas. He ended it so deserves to be on his own.

You can file for divorce

He moved out, he can stay on his own for Christmas !

Take control

He left.
He is responsible for HIS Christmas.
You do yours.
But get those ducks in a row and move things forward... he doesnt get to dictate the rest of your life.
Take a deep breath and take charge. The kids will respect you for your strength.

Why do you feel responsible for him having a happy Christmas? He's not concerning himself much about your happiness, is he? He's had you dangling at the end of a string for four months. How's that made you feel?