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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Interest of Others Gives Me the Thrill...

16 replies

CaramelMacchiatto · 04/12/2021 17:48

Hi All,
I'm happily married to someone I want to get old with. We've been together for a number of years. We have a good relationship but some things are just not the same any more. I miss the butterflies, passion and the intensity. I know it's normal in a long term relationship but ... Sometimes when an attractive guy flirts with me and is clearly interested, I get that buzzing feeling again. And it feels nice. But I want to be one of those people completely uninterested in other people. I want to be able to just politely ignore it instead of feeling giddy and high on adrenaline. Is it because of my low self-esteem? I need to be able to understand it so I know how to address it...

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/12/2021 17:56

Its not necessarily low self esteem, as I know confident people who are like this. It more a desire to be found attractive and admired by lots of people. It doesn't really matter how much attention your primary partner gives you, they're just one person, and the desire is for admiration beyond that. Im not sure you do get over it as I know women in their 80s who are still like this. The thing to do is police yourself to make sure no lines are crossed.

CaramelMacchiatto · 04/12/2021 18:10

Thanks! But I'm not sure it's actually the case. I feel like if it was more reciprocated, it'd be enough for me. I remember at the beginning of my current relationship (and the previous ones too), I'm so into it that I simply don't notice other men! Of course it's nice to be found attractive and desired, and I realize I might be a bit vain ( not too much though, I'm far too realistic for this) but I feel like there must be a reason for this in my case. I need to find it as it's now becoming a pattern...

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/12/2021 18:15

It never continues at the level it is in the beginning though. Excitement always gives way to comfort and familiarity. Some people are happy with that trade off, others always need the buzz.

CaramelMacchiatto · 04/12/2021 18:21

Familiarity and comfort are nice but it's also nice to feel attractive to your partner. When you don't, that's where the issues start. I spoke to him about it but nothing changed. I want to be with him without wanting to respond to the attention of the others. There must be something I can do about it. I just want to understand how my brain works and why this is this way

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/12/2021 18:27

You need to identify how the attention from other men makes you feel, specifically. Do you feel interesting, sexy, pretty, listened to? Is it the excitement of doing something you think it a bit wrong? When you know exactly what you're getting from it, you will be in a better place to ask your partner for specific things you want. If he still doesn't provide them, maybe it a compatability issue.

WheekestLink · 04/12/2021 18:28

I don't think it should be something that completely dwindles away though. Yes, when we first got together, we were both obsessed over each other and could easily spend a whole weekend in bed.

Now a decade later, he is still crazy for me. Things have of course cooled off since that initial phase, but I still have that jolt at unexpected times. I still fancy him like mad. I don't look for it from other people because I know how he feels for me and that's enough.

CaramelMacchiatto · 04/12/2021 20:28

And that's exactly what I'm missing! We used to be mad about each other. For me he's still extremely attractive, sexy and absolutely everything I've ever wanted in a partner. I know he loves me deeply but he's not that affectionate any more and that's the issue. I like to feel attractive, pretty and wanted but I don't. That's why this interest coming from elsewhere makes me think that I can still have it. The issue is I really want to focus on my relationship rather than enjoy the interest of other men... So how come some men can still be mad about their partner after 10 years together and some lose that interest while still loving them??

OP posts:
Anonnyno · 04/12/2021 22:30

It all depends on what you prioritise OP. @5128gap hit the nail on the head when they said "Excitement always gives way to comfort and familiarity. Some people are happy with that trade off, others always need the buzz."

You're human with biological programming that hasn't caught up with the fact we're no longer monkeys. You're always going to get that buzz from new people, because that's how nature gets genes spread about. In the "limerant" phase when we're high on hormones, we do indeed, look at no-one else. But that's scientifically proven to last 2-3 years max. After that the hormones ebb and are replaced by "cosy" bonding ones. So asking your partner and/or relationship to act as an anti-attraction-to-others mechanism isn't fair. It's physically impossible.

Which is where we come to the trade-off. When I was with my ex, did I feel a buzz when others were attracted to me? Absolutely. However, when I considered the intimacy between myself and my partner, the times we'd cared for each other, made each other laugh, all the small things, etc, etc it really quashed any urge to pursue it. Yes, these feelings were "cosy" and not "passionate" but they made the buzz feel psoitively coarse in comparison. So I was never tempted to stray.

Alas, my ex felt different. The same things that stopped me straying, didn't hold the same value for her. So she pursued the buzz, blamed our relationship (not me - I was fine, more like you say "if our relationship was good, I wouldn't be feeling an attraction to anyone else, so the fact I am means its wanting") and I had to file for divorce.

Anonnyno · 04/12/2021 22:34

TDLR; "cosy" was enough to stop pursuing someone I felt attracted to. It wasn't for my ex - by her own admission, only a similar level of sustained mad passion could. And that wasn't physically possible after being together for a decade.

tarasmalatarocks · 04/12/2021 23:04

My mum could never resist the feeling of ‘the buzz’ - she admitted as much to me — after a few years when the buzz had waned- she needed that hit again— some people are just like this and are bloody awful partners

CaramelMacchiatto · 04/12/2021 23:19

Well I don't want to be a bad partner! I totally understand the nature of passion and it wearing off with the time. In my case I guess it's the combination of a bit more interest from my husband and potentially increasing my self esteem. I don't agree that some people are just like this. Straying doesn't sit well with me either. I want to feel fulfilled in my relationship so I don't find the interest from elsewhere appealing. And I'm definitely not talking about finding other men attractive as this is totally normal. I'm talking about them finding me attractive and that feeling valuating me as a woman. Surely I should be aware of this without needing those strangers' complements...

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 04/12/2021 23:58

Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s perfectly normal to enjoy attention from other men. It’d be unnatural if it had no effect on you. We all like to be found attractive by people.
Not by one person.

As to your H. It’s not quite clear what it is that he isn’t doing to make you feel good - is it compliments? Is it dwindling sex? Etc
But the best way to prompt him to shake it up a bit is to be happy, and busy, and liked by others. Male competitiveness and territorial instincts perk up when they see their women being out there, happy and attractive to other males.

TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 00:06

I want to feel fulfilled in my relationship

This is the problem. It's not about you having the 'wrong' feelings and needing to 'correct' them. You want to feel wanted. That's a natural feeling. Your partner isn't meeting your needs, and just the same as if he wasn't meeting your needs in any other way, it's a relationship issue, so you need to talk it through and find a compromise. If you can't, them this issue is a symptom of a problem, rather than the problem itself.

You're turning a 'we' thing into a 'me' thing. You can't be responsible for fixing that your partner doesn't give you what you need, and thinking you're a bad partner for not being able to fix that is very disrespectful of your needs: it's not wrong to be unhappy when you don't get what you need.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 05/12/2021 00:19

And I'm definitely not talking about finding other men attractive as this is totally normal. I'm talking about them finding me attractive and that feeling valuating me as a woman. Surely I should be aware of this without needing those strangers' complements

OP, I remember recognising simlar in myself many, many years ago. I never cheated, however there was a point where a woman fidning me attractive almost acted as a way to validate me, if that makes sense. And I needed that validation.

What dawned on me in time was it stemmed from poor self-esteem. I was bullied at school, was painfully shy and struggled with girls in my teens. And that had turned into a void in me that, once I'd actually grown some confidence, constantly needed to be filled. It was like it constantly reinforced "yes, you are an acceptable, desirable member of society, not a runt of the litter, like you felt once".

Once I accepted that for myself - that I was an acceptable member of society, that I was at peace with this and didn't require others to constantly "prove" it for me - something shifted. And I formed far healthier relationships because of it.

Good luck.

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/12/2021 01:05

That's why this interest coming from elsewhere makes me think that I can still have it

Until that becomes familiar and it's back to square one.

Maybe you're not cut out for monogamy?

CaramelMacchiatto · 05/12/2021 10:20

I'm definitely a monogamous person!

There's so much I can relate to in your comments! I agree that perhaps my H doesn't exactly meet my needs in terms of giving me the attention I need. I know he loves me but he is also comfortable with me and I feel a bit of like a part of the furniture now... I'm far more intense, I love hugs and physical contact (which often is initiated by me...), I tell him all the time how attractive he is to me. I'd like to have it back. Sometimes I don't think he sees a woman in me any more and that's frustrating. The more so that I get this from the others so I know for sure I've still got it...

The male competitiveness... Yes, we've had it before and it's the best feeling. It's like he suddenly awakes and sees me with this spark in his eyes again. And I love it. I wish it could last but then everything goes back to square one.

TossaCointo... touched a very interesting point. I've never been bullied luckily but as a kid I never felt loved or appreciated. I felt I wasn't worth much. Till this day I'm a shy person and perhaps this is why I like to feel the valuation of myself in the eyes of the others? ( Only people I find attractive though)

I realize my H doesn't give me exactly what I need but I also know I can be quite intense. I don't think it's realistic to expect the same level of intensity between people after being together for years although I still want to see the sparkle in his eyes and feel wanted. By him, only by him. We spoke about it but he tells me everything is fine. We had a situation recently when my H found out I was in touch with a younger attractive guy (there was nothing of the sexual nature from my side but this person was a bit flirty with me. I was in touch with him as he was depressed and I wanted to make sure he was ok. Everyone else turned their backs to him.) Cutting the long story short my H was very shaken by this, I that moment he felt threatened I might leave for this other guy (seriously it was his imagination, definitely not what the facts were at the time) and in this particular time he started to be do extremely attentive, he was all over me. I just couldn't believe he could be like this again. He told me many things about what I mean to him I never knew before. I was a very intense time while it lasted. Then we just fell where we were before. I don't want to play games and make him constantly jealous. I wouldn't even know how and that would be exhausting. I am in love with my H and I just want a happy life with him. Maybe the issue is I need more affection than him. He's a very private person. He keeps many things inside.

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