No good at relationship

[Whoknows11]

So I've messed my relationship up good and proper. I have no belief in myself, I wonder why anyone would want to be with me and my insecurity issues are a constant battle in my head!

I've tried counselling but it's not helped. I true my believe I'm best off on my own and I am pretty good at being single.

I have young children who take up 70% of my time and it's a constant juggling act with them and my job.

The man I've dated this year is patient but I've pushed him away and I don't blame him for giving up on me.

Not sure what I'm asking for on here but I feel at a loss at what I can do apart from be single forevermore!

@Whoknows11 I'm the same as you.

Has that relationship actually ended?

I was a long time single and happy/secure. I'm in a fairly new relationship and I've never felt so insecure in my life! Because I over think everything. I'm hoping that I don't push him away. He is so patient and understanding, he always reassures me if I have any uncertainty. But I sometimes think that he may get sick of it.

What exactly is it that you're insecure about, when did he end it and what over?

He's currently considering things. Which I'm guessing means to end it or not. We e agreed not to speak for a few days.

To be honest I feel so unwanted and cast aside I'm thinking that I deserve better so if he ends it then I feel it's for the best even though I'll be heart broken.

I've fallen in love with him but he's not with me. That's a difficult one to digest.

Such a bad time of year for this to happen too. I'm feeling pretty rubbish.

Op don't blame yourself, we all have baggage that sometimes is hard not to bring into another relationship.
You don't have to say but I'm curious as to what you feel has pushed him away ?. After a long failed marriage with infidelity i am very insecure and I really do try not to appear needy but sometimes I can't help it. The right person will try to help you and not make you feel worse so maybe this is a good thing that you are finding this out now .

If you're in love with him and he's upfront about not being in love with you (I mean, if he's said this, rather than you just suspecting it), then I'm not surprised you feel insecure. I'm a secure and confident person and I'd struggle with that. I think most people would. It's an objectively difficult situation.

However, if you genuinely think your poor self-esteem and insecurity has contributed to ending things (if they have actually ended), then you owe it to yourself to no one else to find a way of working on yourself.

He feels I don't understand the time he's with his son is just that I don't or barely hear from him. I feel forgotten and cast aside. I don't feel part of his life when we're not together. I feel we lead separate lives.

The not telling me he likes me or even loves me I struggle with.

I need some reassurance but only get it when I have a wobble.

I am the way I am as too have suffered from the effects of infidelity whilst I was pregnant.

I'm finding it hard to think of a future without him.

@Whoknows11

He feels I don't understand the time he's with his son is just that I don't or barely hear from him. I feel forgotten and cast aside. I don't feel part of his life when we're not together. I feel we lead separate lives.

The not telling me he likes me or even loves me I struggle with.

I need some reassurance but only get it when I have a wobble.

I am the way I am as too have suffered from the effects of infidelity whilst I was pregnant.

I'm finding it hard to think of a future without him.

If you only get the reassurance you crave when you 'wobble', then presumably there's a reward to wobbling, so you wobble? Just as some people provoke arguments because they love the reconciliation bit afterwards.

How much time do you spend together? Surely the fact that you have young children yourself whom you acknowledge take up a lot of your time means there's a limit to how much time you can devote to thinking about him, too?

@negilgee that theory makes sense, I'd never thought of it that way before. You might be right!

We see each other eow and one evening in the week. 1hr 20 mins away from each other.

How long have you been together? Has he told you that he's not in love with you?

10 months. No he's not told me he doesn't love me, just never told me he does!

Have you tried telling him that you love him? Maybe he feels that you don't and doesn't want to say it because you're very wary?

I have been with my boyfriend nearly 9 months and he too has yet to tell me he loves me. Is this normal? I have told him a few times but he says it is a big thing and doesn’t want to rush things, surely by now he would know if he was in love with me?

@Barbieonice I'm the same 5 months in. People keep saying that it's not been long, actions speak louder than words etc, and that people have different love languages. I've never been with someone before where we've not said it before now. I find it frustrating really.

I've not told him as he's told a gf in the past he loved them when he didn't mean it as he was put on the spot when she said it to him! I'd worry he'd say I and didn't mean it!

@Whoknows11 how are things now, are you still together?
I'd say wait a little longer then.

My boyfriend has said a few times that he regrets not telling people he loved them back, and likes to think he has learned from it. I'm still very hesitant to make the first move though fear of being rejected. Making my insecurity much worse, I'm even contemplating ending it because I really don't know how he feels. He says actions speak louder than words, but to me that's just stuborness!

@myothercarisaskoda luckily we are still together. He is a very patient and understanding man, I feel very lucky as many men wouldn't put up with me.

When we are together things are great. We love each others company and get on so well. I find being apart difficult. We lead very separate lives, his with his son or being solely focused on work and me with my children. Any spare time I have, I'm with him pretty much. I wouldn't not be as I love seeing him and would miss him even more if I was child free and not seeing him. I am aware of the importance of me time and tend to get that in the school holidays when our child free time doesn't always align.

I hope over time my insecurities will lessen as I grow to find the me who's in a stable relationship. Frustrating though he's not told me he loves me, I feel that'll seal the deal.

I feel you. I’ve had a very similar issue for years with my (now ex) DP

Sadly I never quite got to grips with it and ended up pushing him away. We also had some other issues which didn’t help, but I know my neediness was very unattractive and destructive. If you can, please find a way to deal with it. It helped me to spell out how I felt when he didn’t contact me, and that I only wanted a few lines so that I know he was thinking of me. He eventually got it and was a lot more communicative, but then other things overtook it, and I’d get frustrated when plans changed or I felt short changed. Short story, I made things difficult and he ended up second guessing every move in case it pissed me off.

Don’t be me.

@Whoknows11 that is my thoughts exactly, it'll seal the deal. As I don't know exactly how he feels.

That's good he's continued to be understanding. Good luck.