In need of advice

[NextStepsPlease]

I’m not really sure where to start, but I’m desperate to talk about this to someone and I can’t in real life.

I’m thinking about leaving my husband, we’ve only been married a few years (no children). It doesn’t feel right anymore, nothing extreme has happened but a lot of small things have mounted up and if I’m honest with myself, it wasn’t right before we got married.

He has a history of anxiety and depression which means he withdraws at home. He doesn’t show me any affection or love, and our sex life is non existent. He doesn’t pull his weight with the household tasks and I have to sort everything. I do 99% of the dog walks, and look after the dog all day and at the weekend as well as all of the cooking/cleaning/general life admin. We have so much history and have been together for almost 10 years, he’s an amazing man (if a little lazy and passive) and I know he cares for me deeply but I’m not sure if that’s enough anymore, love needs to be looked after for it to keep going and grow.

I know I’m only saying my side, I’m sure that I’ve done things that aren’t helpful too. I’ve tried to talk to him about how unhappy I am yet nothing ever changes. I’m not even 30 yet and can’t imagine living my life like this forever.

The thought of actually leaving makes me feel sick. I’ve got a good job and can support myself, but the thought of breaking his heart kills me. I love him an awful lot and don’t want to hurt him, but also don’t want to stay just because of that. He’s so close to my sisters children, so entwined with my family, all of the fallout would be awful.

I feel so lost and alone, I just want someone to talk to about it which is why I’ve ended up here

What did you learn about relationships yourself when you were growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Are you codependent in relationships, his needs though are not more important than yours and he is not meeting your needs at all here.

You made a mistake in marrying him because you knew it was not right beforehand but that said you do not have to remain married to him. You are an adult with agency and you can make choices.

Does your H work outside the home?. Where are his friends and family (what is his relationship like with his parents)?. This man has not seemingly done anything to address any issues pertaining to depression and actually seems quite happy as he is. You're picking up all the slack at home. He presumably swans about there too continuing to be both lazy and passive in front of you. This has all the hallmarks of both an emotionally unhealthy and otherwise dysfunctional marriage.

Why does the thought of leaving this so called "amazing man" (and clearly he is not so why did you write those words at all; you need to think about this) actually make you feel sick?. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You do not want to get to the age of 30 and be in the same situation as you are now and I am certain too that if another woman was writing this you'd be advising her to leave too.

His feelings here along with those of your family (and they are not married to him) should not and are infact not more important than your own. You've described an utterly joyless existence and/or a slow death by 1000 cuts with your husband and you are right in that you cannot imagine living your life like this for the rest of your days. Put your own self first and front and centre for once in your life and take charge of your own life going forwards.

Do not get bogged down in sunk costs (all this about we've been together for a long time is the sunken costs fallacy and that keeps people in poor relationships); the past has gone never to return and a bad investment is not going to suddenly come good. Do not worry about what any other people think if you do separate; they are not married to this man and the subject of your separation and divorce will be gossip for all of five minutes.

Thank you so much for replying.

My parents marriage is okay but has problems, never saw a healthy relationship based on love and mutual respect.

I don’t get much, if anything at the moment. I don’t know if I’m codependent as such, but i do put every else first and look after all of the emotional needs. I am happy alone and don’t need to validation from others. I’ve been working on that over the last few years too and have built my self esteem up and now realise that I do deserve to be happy too and I have to put myself first before it’s too late.

He works full time yes, has a supportive family but isn’t that close and has a small group of good friends. He hates his job which causes most of the problems with his mental health that get brought home, yet nothing has been done to improve it.

I guess I wrote amazing to make myself feel better about how I feel about our marriage. You’re right in that it’s no one else business either, thank you so much for getting me to think through those things and my unhealthy thought patterns. All I want is to be truly happy and I know I won’t find it where I am

I would end the marriage in your shoes. You have no children, and no responsibility to ensure that another adult is happy at the expense of your own happiness.

He is offering nothing much to your life. Yes, he might be a nice man - but he's not the right man for you. Don't stay with someone who offers you no sex and no affection simply out of guilt and pity.

He hates his job which causes most of the problems with his mental health that get brought home, yet nothing has been done to improve it

You are posting on a forum full of strangers because you want to do absolutely everything you possibly can to fix your relationship. He does nothing.

He needs to fix him. You need to fix you.

I'd say 'distance yourself from anybody who makes you feel like posting on a forum about your relationship with them.' For a happy life, distance yourself from anything that makes you feel unhappy, lost, and alone. It may hurt to leave, but not as much as an unhappy, lost, alone future will.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who treated me as his skivvy. I want an equal.

From what you’ve written he’s not an amazing man.
I think you’re confusing your love for him for actually being scared of the unknown, so you cling to him.
I think you need to take a leap of faith now before you get trapped by children.

Thanks so much, you’re all right

I’ve know for a while and I’ve been scared to make that jump. I really appreciate you all taking the time to write back.

Hi OP, it seems your relationship is not right for you. Let him down gently and let yourself and him both have the chance of finding someone else. I’ve been in a very similar situation to you and honestly I am kicking myself for Not getting out sooner. Leave for Both your sakes.

I’m sorry to hear this.

For heavens sake end it. Just tell him - better to rip the plaster off now, than have decades of festering misery.

You will both recover.

It's normal to feel apprehensive about ending a relationship.

Especially one that's taken up basically your entire adult life by the sounds of it. But staying in this situation just to avoid some short term tough emotions is not the answer - you'll avoid the short term discomfort but end up with long term pain instead. Not a good trade!

The happy times in the past won't be erased because you end the relationship, but equally they don't exist in the present and are no reason to stay in a rubbish situation. You keep your memories and life story, you're only ending a relationship not killing anyone. Keep perspective.

(You also don't have to be perfection personified to be justified to end a relationship btw).

You're so young. Don't chuck your future away to avoid short term - survivable - discomfort.

You are an amazing, loyal, empathetic woman, but he is not an amazing man.

It is incredibly difficult to admit that things are wrong with a relationship with a man you love.

If you’re like me, you probably feel that admitting it’s not right is a failure on your part and you need to try harder, and be more patient.

I’ve been there.
Take it from me, you’ve been more than fair, and you’ve already done your best.

Things will just get worse over the years, and the suggestions of abuse will increase to full blown emotional abuse. You will get more and more accustomed to it, and will doubt your own sanity as you’re sure you’re doing your best but you’re constantly told you’re inadequate.

You’re a lovely person with a lovely life ahead of you. Give yourself a shake, put that crown straight, shoulders back, say goodbye, and go and live the magic you deserve.

And don’t EVER settle for second best again - if any friend or future bf doesn’t proactively support you to smile and succeed, then walk away.

PS I stubbornly hung on for 22 years. Thought I was doing the right thing, being the better person. I wasn’t. It made me really ill. Ive been free 3 years, I’m finally seeing how good life can be. Don’t do a me. Xx