Should I cut my family off for good?

[HeidiGerman]

This is a difficult one to start, but my family and I have quite a rocky relationship. It all started when my brother began dating his, now ex, wife over ten years ago. She was incredibly jealous of me, to the point that she'd tell my boyfriend at the time that I was cheating on him with multiple men, which is totally untrue. She and my brother would regularly hurl insults at me and would tell me how pathetic and useless I am. In one instance, my SIL accused me of flirting with a bunch of men and abandoning her on her birthday night out. She caused a huge scene at my parents' house the next day. This, however, was a lie and I was backed up by the other woman we had been with us that night. But, instead of supporting me, my mother hugged my SIL while she cried and my brother insulted me. My parents have never stood up to them, too scared that if they did they wouldn't be allowed to see their grandchild, my brother's son. But here's the kicker, four years ago I got out of an incredibly abusive relationship. It was abusive emotionally, physically and sexually. When I finally found the courage to get out of it and tell my family what had been going on (which included rape) my brother messaged my rapist expressing his sympathy and saying that I had 'deserved it' because I am 'so seflish'. I know this because my rapist sent me screenshots of their conversation. My mother confronted my brother but he has never apologised to me for his actions, even after him and his wife broke up. Of course, these are just a handful of the many times where I was bullied over a period of ten years. I actually moved away for several years to get away from it in that period too but came back when I met my now husband.

I have tried my hardest to move on from this but I'm frequently reminded of the countless times I was bullied by my brother and ex SIL and how my parents would never stand up for me and I feel incredibly angry. Is my parents using the excuse that they were scared of losing contact with their grandson really grounds for allowing this to happen? I don't know if I should or even can let all of this go.

I’d go no contact but I’m not a forgiving person. They showed you time and time again how they feel about you with their actions.
I’m so sorry that you were not supported during what would of been a very hard time leaving an abusive relationship.
Your parents should be ashamed of themselves.
I wouldn’t piss on your brother if he was on fire. What a horrid man.

I get it OP. It's incredibly hurtful when your parents are supposed to be the people who have your back and it's clear that they just didn't stand up for you when you really needed them to. Your parents seem weak and as if they will listen to the person making the most fuss/ they're most afraid of. The question is can you accept that and still have a positive relationship with them or have they let you down so much you don't want to rely on them any more. Your brother is horrible and I think staying away from him forever is the only wise option. With your parents it's working out whether no contact would be better for you than low contact and low expectations.

Heidi,
I am sorry you have to deal with this situation.

If you still have proof of the rape then report it - even if they say it is too long ago, at least it's recorded.

I'm sure you've heard the expression 'you can pick your friends but not your family' and how true that is.

There is no cure for a toxic family I'm afraid except cutting them off.

At the end of the day it is your choice - they won't change so it depends if you want accept who they are or move on and make a life somewhere else.

That is shocking @HeidiGerman and I’m so so sorry you’ve gone through those experiences, both with the man who was abusive and assaulted you and your family who did not support you as they should have done and who in fact have been actively unsupportive and harmful towards you.

I totally understand why you would want to curbing contact with them. Their behaviour towards you is unacceptable (obscene in fact) and remaining in close contact feels like acceptance of their treatment. It’s like giving yourself and them the message that it is ok.

You should do whatever feels right for you. I would recommend finding a good therapist to explore what path would be right for you.

A starting point might be to go very LC but not yet fully NC. In my experience going full NC can be very stressful, may not be reversible (and your feelings may change down the line), and can take a real emotional toll. It is often not an easy thing to do. My own circumstances differ a little, but I’ve arrived at a place where I will keep certain family at arms length but maintain neutral / cordial relations with them, as I find this calm and manageable.

But the main thing is really that you stay in touch with how you feel and what’s right for you. You are not obligated to maintain relationships with these people if you don’t want to or you feel it is not good for you to do so.

Best of luck OP

@Devon1987

I’d go no contact but I’m not a forgiving person. They showed you time and time again how they feel about you with their actions. I’m so sorry that you were not supported during what would of been a very hard time leaving an abusive relationship. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. I wouldn’t piss on your brother if he was on fire. What a horrid man.

This is it in a nutshell for me.

I’m sorry for your troubles

They are a shower of bastards your parents included. Go out and live a good and happy life, and put them in the rear view mirror

@Devon1987

I’d go no contact but I’m not a forgiving person. They showed you time and time again how they feel about you with their actions. I’m so sorry that you were not supported during what would of been a very hard time leaving an abusive relationship. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. I wouldn’t piss on your brother if he was on fire. What a horrid man.

This.

You poor woman.

They add nothing to your life.

No contact. You have to care for your own wellbeing and protect yourself from people who you think will hurt you based on their previous actions, or if need be from people who've hurt you in the past.

I did it with my dad and step-mum recently after they'd done yet more arguing and hanging up etc. I've no regrets about blocking them, they would've really upset me (again) at some point and I have to take care of my metal health.

*mental health of course

I agree, get those toxic people put of your life. Your parents are utterly spineless.

I'd go no contact.