I’ve had a few relationships like this but the last one is a prime example of it so I’m going to share that one.
We clicked on date one, had lots in common, shared sense of humour. Fancied him when we met. BUT from date one he was distant (yet intense when together), not exactly proactive with meeting up, ie we’d have a date then no indication of whether we’d meet again. He’d often say he was busy or in a busy patch. If we saw each other at a weekend he’d often shoot off at lunchtime on Sunday after arriving Saturday late pm 6ish (never said it explicitly but it was obvious). It meant we didn’t spend much time together at the start as we never met in the week. As time went on it all progressed and we’d stay 4 nights a week together but he had little interest in going away - we had a couple of short weekend breaks but all organised by me. He never made time to see my friends even my closest one who invited us for dinner a few times. It all just felt like he had one foot out of the door. That said, when together things were wonderful. I ended it after he said he had no plans or intention for us to do anything over Christmas together.
I’ve had therapy and the key thing that’s come out of it is that, for whatever reason, I go for evasive people, those who keep me working a bit …if that makes sense. I’ve been told that I need to actively choose different people and see having to chase/excitement of that as a red flag if I want a relationship with long term prospects.
So I took this advice. Met someone I sort of clicked with on the phone but also found a bit too nice. We had dinner it was very pleasant. Slightly balding and shorter than I would go for but seemed a nice man, decent job, close to his family, seemed to have lots of friends. He wanted to get a coffee after the meal so we did. When I drove home I kept thinking about how differently I had felt with people who had seemed more ‘exciting’ like with my ex, after the first date he was all I was thinking of and I didn’t want the date to end. But I was glad to get in the car after this one as I felt tired of making conversation.
Anyway he text me to arrange a other date and my therapist said I should go because there were no red flags and I had a nice enough time. He messaged to ask if I wanted to go and see a show and if so he would book tickets. This would usually panic me as it would seem like a big gesture, however when I think back to my ex, I think I would have been delighted if he’d done this (he didn’t so I have no comparison there I guess). He’s been so nice and chatty and straightforward and I just don’t know why I can’t stop this attraction to evasive people…my ex was no better looking than this guy for instance.
In summary…has anyone tried to re train themselves to meet someone and let things develop rather than jumping into something that’s exciting from the start and therefore likely to be full of toxic behaviours? I know you can have excitement without toxicity but typically I’ve found that I’m not giving the right people a go!!