Still thinking of an affair partner

[Lotgreenwood128]

No excuse for what happened.
10 years ago I was sent to work overseas for a while. The native language in that country wasn’t English and despite people speaking English well, it felt isolating. I didn’t know anyone and the only friendly person was a colleague from work. He was single and I was married (no kids). I didn’t think anything of it and was grateful to have a coffee with someone and someone to show me around. He introduced me to his friends and family. We had dinners, drinks. Again I didn’t think much of it but over time and just suddenly all I could describe it we become obsessed with each other. We spent all our time together. We kissed but nothing more. We couldn’t be away from each other. Of course, all of this was too intense and I felt awful being married. My DH at that stage have been married a while, we married young. Before this happened he cheated on me with his work colleague and we had a lot of discussion on if we should be together. Still no excuse on my side. The guy from work I quickly realised was a complete commitment-phobe and had a lot of trust issues given his parents relationship. As expected he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me as he has commitment issues and secondly he would get flamed at work for going after a married colleague. It was rather clear that I wasn’t so special to him. I went back home and have told my DH everything. We had counselling and I have completely blocked the guy from work at that point. For years after that, he tried to be in touch - calling on the pretence of work. He then relocated to work to another continent and wouod still drunk messaging me telling me he missed me. I just blocked him. Every year we would meet on a 3-day strategy offsite. It was awkward, I would avoid him but unfortunately, I still had this desire to see him and a lot of feelings would re-emerge. It was the same for him as he would look for any opportunity to be close by. Anyways this was going on for several years. In the meantime my DH got on better, we had a child and have a good relationship. I have no contact with the guy from work as I changed job. My only issue is that I still think of him and that time together from time to time. It was so intense, so full-on. I feel crap still thinking of that time together. It’s now been 10 years FFS. I don’t know what I am asking here - just don’t want to think of that time together.

Its probably normal to think of him now and then and the passionate feelings, especially when day to day life is dull. Don't beat yourself up over it. Feelings for other people happen You stopped it, told your DH, blocked him and continue to avoid him. There isn't anyting else you could do but it is quite normal to occasionally wonder what could have been or to think about those times IMO. If you are mostly content in your current situation with your husband, just let the thoughts come and then go.

Just keep remembering that this guy is a commitment phobe who just liked the drama.

Of course hanging out with just one person who can speak your language in a foreign place, away from family, friends, responsibility is intense but at the end of the day, if you were to live with him, you'd still be doing the same mundane stuff except it would be with a man who didn't love you or want to be with you.

It’s the high of the drama
You don’t need to address how you feel about this bloke

You need to address why you get so high on the drama of this.

How old is your DC? I think it’s normal to reminisce about freer times when you’re in the thick of raising little ones.

Sounds like you only went back to DH because the affair partner didn't want you. Doesn't sound like you love your husband to me.. just like you want him around when others don't work out. God, you make him sound like a chore

OP would it be possible to reframe these thoughts as remembering yourself and your emotional history rather than as thoughts of him specifically? It’s your life and ok to remember a particularly intense time, and marvel at the depth and peculiarity of your own emotional scope, if you see what I mean. It might be less about him.