How do I make sure the next one doesnt lose interest or mess up?

[Fatherliamdeliverance]

I am 35 and have been dating 4 years and have met in that time only 4 men I have liked romantically. 5 possibly. Of those: one lost interest (ostensibly distance related but I don't know if that was just being polite). One wasn't feasible due to distance, one went weird, ghosted but sexually assaulted me, one has just gone wrong. I was upset by something he did. Probably overreacted (nothing terrible, just an upset message) but apologised and tried to put right, he has just pulled the shutters down. The possible 5th sexually assaulted me too.

I want a family. I've had endless dates with men I have no real interest in, including tonight. I have a full life, interests. I have a lot of love to give but it just feels like nobody wants it. I am told I am attractive and kind. On OLD, if I'm honest, so few strike any chord with me.

Feel like I am stuck and there is simply nobody out there for me. Several men are keen but generally we have zero in common and I don't fancy them.

With a rate of meeting apparently one person I like mutually per year, how do I make the next one stick before it's too late, do I settle, or how do I come to terms with not having a family? I am retraining so sperm donation is not realistic for me. This is so depressing.

Sorry you’re having a hard time.

It’s not you. Please don’t get into the mindset that you need to make them stay or a op them from behaving badly.

I think it’s more a case of spotting the ones who there is no real connection to or who have red flags really quickly and letting them go quickly so you can move on.

It’s a trap to think you can change people if you just change yourself enough. If someone sexually assaults you, it’s all on them, it’s not on you.

So keep your boundaries strong, your standards high and be yourself.

Great advice from a PP. I would carefully evaluate what qualities you are looking for from the father of your child and then keep your standards high personally. The problem with OLD is it tends to start with how people look, and focusing on that is (at least in my experience) often a good way to end up with a dickhead.

It sounds like none of the ones you liked were ‘proceedable’ anyway due to circumstances/ interest levels etc so it’s not really something you can control. That’s not your fault.
My advice would be keep dating, don’t waste time on anyone who has plans to move away etc (been there done that), and if you meet someone and you’re not sure (if they’re nice) maybe be open to a second date - I don’t think a first meeting is always representative of what a person is really like.

I would suggest stopping online dating and trying to meet men in real life through shared interests/hobbies and through friends.

Have you reported the men who assaulted you? they should not get away with this type of vile behaviour...

Also ( this is not a criticism of you by the way) it is better to take time to really know someone before you sleep with them. OLD seems to push people to have sex very quickly with someone who is still basically a complete stranger.

A lot of the guys online lie on their profiles and will play the game for a couple of dates and appear charming, but they will soon disappear if you take your time before sleeping with them. It helps weed out the players and the nutters....

Someone who is genuinely interested in you will be willing to develop a real connection with you first.

Also, sometimes you need to give men a chance. There might not be instant chemistry but you might find that as you get to know someone better their personality will win you over. Again, that is a problem with online dating everything is based on looks and instant attraction and sometimes love is a bit more subtle than that.

Thanks so much everyone.

I'm just not sure what else I can do I terms of hobbies- i go to the gym, drawing classes, get involved in social events, walking, volunteering, accept all invitations, etc. but am really not interested in sport clubs, for instance. Should I try harder with something like this?

I'm also in a small new town where I'm stuck for a while retraining, and everyone seems to be married or have kids (that's a hard 'no' for me as I want to move away after this).

I've had some second, third, more, dates with those I've not felt chemistry with and tbh, none has grown on me. I have a weird 'icky' feeling with a lot of really nice men when they are keen on me but I don't feel any spark with them (itll be based on personality, looks aren't that important). Maybe it is a case of getting past that when I meet someone I know seems genuinely decent. Not sure how I stop this feeling from forming.

I was like you, 1 a year if that, that I was attracted to. Sooner or later one of them worked out though. I met him at a sports club, doing something I never thought I would enjoy but ended doing it by circumstance, and actually loved the sport too.

If you’re planning to leave the place you are, so you think on some level you might be emotionally unavailable?

So possibly subconsciously you at least in part don’t want to meet someone there who might make you want to stay.

So when you meet someone who is on some level emotionally unavailable or emotionally closed, you chiming with those people because you know you won’t have to stay and that person isn’t going to make you want to stay.

Maybe either wait until you’re where you want to be to try to meet someone, or decide that it’s more important to find someone/start a family than live exactly where you want to.

Or if you know where you are headed next and it’s accessible, start dating there even while you live elsewhere.

Do you think you might be able to meet someone who is also there temporarily and headed in the same direction as you, so perhaps someone who is also retraining.

TL;DR maybe you feel icky with the genuinely suitable people because you want to be able to move on.

yougotthis I think you're onto something. I've put on my profiles that I don't want to stay in my current town forever and have had quite a good response of men who aren't too attached to the place. But people who aren't settled tend to be less likely to want the family etc. Argh. I'm kicking myself about the most recent guy tbh, the one I had the row with. But have to remember it can't have been that perfect if we couldn't weather a misunderstanding/ disagreement.

electra no I haven't reported them. Tbh it would've been their word against mine and I honestly didn't see it getting anywhere.