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Original poster

Need Advice on 4 yr relationship

26 replies

Enaj1234 · 03/12/2021 23:59

Hello All. So I'm in a relationship with a guy, coming up on 4 yrs. I'm divorced since 2017, he's separated since 2016 but he hasn't yet filed for divorce, he has 2 kids, 21 and 16, I have 1 kid, 17. I feel stuck where I was when I met him 4 yes ago.....he doesn't seem too rushed to start divorce proceedings. He is in the process of selling his moms house and he says he won't get divorced until the sale goes through and he can get rid of the money so his ex doesn't get any..... he doesn't have his own house, his own business is just about getting him through, he's no good with money, he has no future plans except day to day stuff.... Where do I go from here.....?????

I rent and he lives with me part time.... he's a good guy and says he adores me but I don't feel I can rely on him.....I do love him but I'm worried about our and my future with him?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2021 00:02

You've wasted enough time. Raise your standards.

Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 00:04

Yes, that's what I've been mulling over that I'm wasting time... I'll be 46 next month...I'm not getting any younger.... he will be almost 50 also next year....

OP posts:
samesign · 04/12/2021 00:04

4 years is along time to stay in this limbo
He wants a gf but nothing serious with you such as living together and marriage.

Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 00:06

We tried living together twice before but the 1st time ended in a huge argument, the 2nd was during covid lockdown 2020 and I felt he was living off me and I can't do that again... been there before with another ex....I feel like I'm a sucker for punishment

OP posts:
samesign · 04/12/2021 00:18

If you've tried and failed twice before with him, it hasn't got a future, you plod along the same as you are or end it to find a more fulfilling relationship.
There's not much you can do, it takes two to make and plan a future together but he's only living day to day, unreliable bad with money and lazy by the sound of it, you aren't compatible.

Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 00:23

He's very much a dreamer but puts nothing much into action... whereas in a doer..... I know he means well but that's not enough and I'm afraid of wasting more time hoping things will change....I remember in 2019 we spoke about him filing for divorce and I told him it wasn't fair on me.... and he agreed but we are still in the same place. He loves that we have fun and the sex is great but that's not enough......

OP posts:
Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 00:37

I was in a relationship with a wonderful man for 7 yrs before I met this guy.....unfortunately he was an alcoholic and when we split up in 2015 he suicided in 2017....I met my current partner very shortly after I heard that sad news.....I feel it was the wrong time ..... I feel I used him as a crutch to get through the heartache and I feel now if I end it that I've used him..... is that silly????.

OP posts:
Anonnyno · 04/12/2021 00:50

Given the timings when you both got together and separated from your respective partners, did your relationships… umm… “overlap”, as it were?

No judgement if so - just that if it started as an escape, in a way, from what he perceived as an everyday, mundane committed marriage, he may be unwilling to move things into another everyday, committed direction.

Anonnyno · 04/12/2021 00:51

Apologies - just read your last post. Not the case, so please ignore my previous post.

Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 00:57

Annonyo, no overlap.... no need to apologise either... thank you for your reply..... I'm so torn...I really am....I'm just scared I guess of having failed again.....if my previous partner of 7 years had accepted his illness and accepted my help we would still be together.... he really was my soul mate.... its coming up to his 4 Yr anniversary and its so sad that he's gone..... I feel like such an idiot..... I'm a strong independent woman who can support herself and my son but I just want to be looked after for a change.... Is that selfish or me????

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 01:03

Doesn’t sound like you pick quality males, best just give it up as a bad job.

NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 01:04

Ah, missed the bit about the suicide. How awful. Can you keep this/future boyfriends separate to your kids?

They don’t need or deserve this trauma and upheaval

Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 01:05

Now Even Better.....I have thought that.....I feel I pick the ones that need rescuing...... but I think its me that needs rescuing......Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 01:07

NowEvenBetter..... my son got on great with my previous partner who suicided.... I think he finds my current bf OK but he's 17 so he's in his own little world .... like most teenagers 😆...... I worry for me for him.....

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 01:08

You sound like you’re unsure of simple, basic things, have you done any counselling or self esteem or parenting courses? Has your child been brought along for the chaotic sounding ride of this/previous boyfriends? If he has, that’s really unfair:(

Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 01:10

My current BF doesn't have any relationship with his 16 yr old daughter....his own doing tbh. Him.and his 21 yr old chat alright but mainly about his ex(his sons mother) mostly bad talk too.... the thing that bothers me is heb feels if his daughter doesn't put in the effort then why should he!!!!☹☹☹☹☹

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 01:10

Crossposted

That’s awful, has your child had any help? Having your mothers previous boyfriend die by suicide is traumatic.
Put your focus solely on developing yourself as a person, not just as someone’s girlfriend, and on your child before he becomes an adult. This is so sad.

NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 01:12

(Your current bloke isn’t relevant, he’s openly not interested, don’t spend a second longer thinking of him, his words, his thoughts. Not relevant.)

Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 01:13

NowEvenBetter..... yes my.son has and he's doing fine .... he's very grounded.... and yes I've had counselling and psychotherapy..... I guess I'm just afraid of ending up alone.... I know that's silly and irrational but I've been let down by my family many times over the last 10 years so I guess a little understandable????

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 01:13

Also, he’s not even your boyfriend, he is married, you are a mistress, time to cut him loose.

NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 01:14

Family is what we choose for ourselves

NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 01:15

You can’t be more alone than as a mistress to a disinterested bloke. ‘Any man is better than no man’ isn’t acceptable and is a terrible thing to demonstrate to your son.

Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 01:17

Yes, I agree, eventhough he hates his "wife" .... I won't say EX because they're not officially even separated.... but u are right I would be considered a "mistress"

OP posts:
Original poster
Enaj1234 · 04/12/2021 01:18

Well if I'm happy and content in my life my son will be.... that's the way it plays out.....
However, I'm just looking for advice for ME..... my son will always be my 1st priority.....

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 01:29

Dump the married man, obviously. No more advice needed.

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