We are a married lesbian couple of 12 years and my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me

[Munkeypants]

We are two women and have been together for 19 years and married for 12 years. My wife said to me about 6 weeks ago that she loves me but sex no longer comes naturally to her. This is because I have become needy and a bit dominating. Obviously it felt like my world had fallen apart! I have become extremely depressed in that time and put on antidepressants. I know where she’s coming from as I think since I lost my mum at a young age and then my younger sister passed away unexpectedly too I think I’ve been pulling my wife and daughter closer to me but obviously been over doing it. I am seeking counselling as my girls are the most important thing to me and I want us all to be happy together. But I’m struggling to get past the sex thing. I can’t remember when we last had it but now I know she’s been pulling away from it for last few years (that’s what she told me) I just feel so unattractive and so lost. Sex has never been that important to me but we have enjoyed a fab sex life. I just can’t get my head around it. She says we can get back on track but if she’s not wanted me for so long I can’t imagine her wanting me again. I keep stuffing things up because I now feel so insecure. All I want is to have that intimacy so badly. I’m so frustrated. I feel that finding that intimacy will help us to get back on track but she doesn’t want that. I’m so lost. How can I make things better?

How old is she? Could hormones could be playing a role in the low libido?

I confess to not knowing much about lesbian sex, but I think that I am in a similar headspace to your wife with my husband.

We haven’t had sex for a number of years and it’s because I believe that I perceive it to be all about him. Him and his physical and emotional needs and very little about ‘us’.

His d* or his ego are all that exists. He never considers what would make me feel good - not physically or emotionally.

Some people want sex for intimacy. To be equal. To be bonded.

As soon as it becomes about creating a crutch for something else, the appal disappears.

I do genuinely envision a day when me and my husband can reconnect and have wonderful sex, although I concede it might be a while away.

Fix you, fix us.

She’s 41. She has said she has had to keep things ok as I’ve not been good at dealing with stresses. I think maybe my bereavements have had more impact than I realised. Im so sad.

Bereavement is a beast - we think we can and should handle it alone, but a lot of the time we just can't. Have you had specialist bereavement counselling? CRUSE offer it (will probably be online now) and they are very good.

The best thing you can do here is work on yourself - not just for the sake of your relationship and your sex life but also because you deserve to be well and happy. Whatever the outcome of all this, you deserve to be your whole self again.

I’m sorry OP. All relationships go through tough times, if your wife says you can get back on track, that is very positive. Perhaps you have been too self centered, but it’s possible to change that - obviously you will have to work out if that really is the case.

It sounds like you need marriage counselling. It will be a neutral space to talk, with some helpful guidance, They also can help you slowly build back intimacy. I wouldn’t try to fix it alone.

At least you’re being honest with each other and able to talk about it.

I’m sorry for your losses OP.

Have you been to counselling? If not I’d try that as soon as possible. It will help and also show her that you are doing something positive to address the situation. She’s probably been worried about you for a long time.

Re intimacy, I’d suggest you things back to square one. Don’t think that if you have sex that somehow makes things ok. It doesn’t.

Do you have date night? If not try that. Cook something special for her. And do not under any circs push for sex. That’s not the objective. The objective is that she sees you’re trying to make up for being in your own head for ages and not realising that there was a problem and that she had needs (that aren’t sex related).

Start taking more notice of her and her needs. Continue with counselling.

Once you seem less stressed out she will probably feel more relaxed. Once you talk about how you both feel and have a cry you will probably feel closer.

Leave the sex just now and aim for closeness.

Holding on more tightly to what you have is not really surprising when you've experienced so much loss. You said you are seeking counseling, is that grief counseling or something more general?

You are talking and being open with each other and your wife feels confident your relationship is recoverable, try to focus on that. Focussing on your fears about having made a mess of everything could leave your wife feeling she has to comfort and reassure when she is already feeling under pressure.

Have a conversation with her about what needs to happen to improve your relationship. Establish what your needs are and which are reasonable to ask your wife to meet. I wouldn't rush to agree to anything and everything because your so desperate for security, if you are unable to honour the things you agree then you risk breaking promises, be honest and realistic about what you have the emotional resources for at the current time.

I agree with PP do not focus on sex, be affectionate but do not expect more at the moment. If your wife has lost the habit of wanting sex with you and improvements elsewhere in your relationship don't translate to your sex life then that may be the time to ask her if she would consider couples therapy.

How do you arrange domestic, financial and parenting responsibilities, do you share them fairly? Addressing any imbalance may relieve one of you of some pressure which should help.