My parents and dh. :-(

[Blankie]

My parents have just told me that they've had it with dh and don't want anything more to do with him.

I agree that his behaviour to them has always been too standoffish and has been getting colder and colder. But I don't know what to do about it. He can't see that theres' anything worng with the way he behaves. Mum claims he hit her, he probably thinks he just brushed her hand away. I know that he doesn't hit people. They just want to love him and have treated him like a son ever since we became an item, but he doesn't understand their warmth. He's British and we arn't.

My family have always welcomed him and his family gave us a lot of heartbreak because they didn't like me as his wife and disagreed with what we do with the children. But I have tried so hard to keep us as a family and be a good DIL and now atlast they are being warmer and welcoming and not making him choose between them and us. And now my parents are doing it!

I just don't know what to do.

(If you recognise me please don't post my regular name.)

Hi

I am indian and dh is english and is often quite cold with my parents..btw I dont think this is a culture thing, i just think dh is a bit rude tbh

amd never entirely comfortable at family events, but i do pick him up on it and he is better, though he still has his moments

is he affectionate with you or is this coldness reserved for your parents?

tbh it doesn't sound anything to do with him being British to me, he just sounds rude like lupo said.

What do you mean exactly by being cold?

Sorry you're in this unpleasant situation. Unfortunately, not everyone feels instant affection for the relatives of the person they choose to marry (there is, after all, no reason why you should). However, these people are all adults and can behave accordingly. What you need to do is say to all concerned: whether you like him/her/them is irrelevant, but you're not a toddler therefore you can behave politely when you have to spend time together. That means no hitting, no whining, no insults (however subtle), just be civil to one another till the visit is over.

What do they expect of him? My DH is a bit reserved with my parents, mainly because my mum irritates him, but they just ignore . I think the important relationship here is a) between you and your parents (you are not responsible for your husband's actions) and b) between your parents and your DC(s). I'd concentrate on those areas, but ask your parents to relax about your DH.

Is it culture shock, maybe?
It can manifest itself as rudeness.

Do you talk about the differences between
your culture/mentality and your dp's?

you poor thing, well done for trying so hard with his family.

Does your dp admit to not liking them or feeling uncomfortable? Would you be able to ask him to make an extra effort, even if you have to act like you're on his side and he's just humouring them for you?
Can you try to explain to your that he's not doing it intentionally or won't they believe that? It must be very upsetting for them if they're trying to welcome him into their family, and so hard for you tp be stuck in the middle

My DH doesn't much care for my mother although he'd have to admit she's tried very hard to welcome him even though they didn't really approve of my choice. So he does his best to fit in when we are all together and in fact if he didn't he'd have a hell of a lot of explaining to do to me! But I do limit the amount of time they spend together - the DCs and I see my parents without DH much of the time and it works out better that way.

Put it this way: on our last weeked at my parents dh came across as a sulky, grumpy, little boy. He doesn't make eye-contact, he doesn't respond to conversation, my dad and he have some things in common and my dad tries to find a subject to have a conversation but dh just sits there or walks off. Dh hates my parents getting involved in the dcs when he's around. And his temper gets shorter and shorter throughout the visit.

I can understand if he doesn't like my parents. He married me, not them. I don't care for his parents either but at least I'm civil around them! My parents would happily give him the space he needs and not smother him, but they deserve some respectful behaviour from him.

Talk to your DP and tell him that he needs to be polite, at least. You may not want to mention that he behaving like a spoilt 3 year old

I think he's being totally unreasonable. Surely he sees that it's you that gets hurt most by this?

That's not cold Blankie, that's just plain rude.

He sounds as if he is behaving very badly, tbh.
Does he feel somehow threatened that you atr not 'his' but your family's when you are with them? He seems quite territorial, not wanting them to 'interfere' with your children etc. Is he suspicious that you and them still regard you as part of their family, not his and your DC's?

He sounds angry. What is he cross about?

Yes, I also think there's anger somewhere there. And also that he is threatened by them. I always wandered if he's jealous - his family quite cool, undemonstrative (very Northern, very British I think) and mine welcoming and warm. And he never grew up with it so can't handle the different way of life. I've seen clearly that happeneing in other things we have done together (and nothing to do with either of our families). But maybe he is angry with my familiy because they have never made any issues with us, unlike his family - who have been complete and stupid nitwits about me being 'different'. They caused him so much misery when our first dc was a baby. And it must be difficult to see your parents as the 'baddies' and your ILs as the 'goodies'. Or myabe Im just over-analysing it and he is just uncultured ignoramus.

I started this thread in tears about what my parents said, and am now fuming at my dhs' uncouthness.

Argh

I have to go and pretend to be a good mummy n o0w and collect children from school and make supper and do homewor,ka nd all with a sweet smile and so on and so forth.

TO an extent, while some people have a tendency to think that emotionally demonstrative ('warm') people are somehow 'better' than reserved people, what can get forgotten is how annoying and intrusive it can be to spend time with people who are either very huggy or talk about their feelings a lot when you are just not that kind of person (I am not very huggy and absolutely loathe hugginess in people I barely know).
COuld this be a part of what is going on with your DH?

all I can suggest is a frank discussion with both parties, they are both being unfair on you. Your DH sounds like he needs to a grow up a bit and accept he does need to be polite and try etc and your parents should support you. I think with your parents speak to them and explain that your dh has been rude (or whatever) but ask them to continue to cut slack because you want/need them to - this of course will be easier if you can get your dh to agree that he will put more effort into the relationship.

Families eh - I hope my dc and I have a half decent relationship when they grow up!

I think you need to remove the fact that he is british, northern british..from your thinking.

He is NOT the way he is, because he's a northerner. Trust me. I am one. I know lots. Northerners are (generally) VERY friendly, chatty and much more open than, ooh..southerners, for example

Is he like this with everyone, or just with your parents? If he is like it with everyone - not making eye contact, staying on the edges, not responding appropriatly to people, walking away mid conversation, not being able to put himself in other persons position....etc etc, then I'd say he ought to be tested for ASD, tbh.

If it's just your parents, then he is an ignorant sod who needs a rocket up his arse.

Either way, the issue is with HIM, as an individual, and you do him, you, your parents, the lot..no favours by trying to find a way to justify his behaviour and fooling yourself this is because he's a northerner.

It's not.

I have sometimes wondered about ASD and dh, because he can be like this with others. But I don't think he is ASD, I think he is just the product of a rather stifled upbringing. I understand, madamez, but dh has had over 10y to get used to my parents and they respect his need for a bit of distance and not too much hugginess. Or myabe they do it by their standards and not by his. Or maybe he expects them to extend it to all of us. But his behaviour has got worse, if anything since we moved away from them (we used to be round the corner).

I have come to the conclusion also that psart of the problem is me. I realised through this that I'm afraid of emotional confrontation and so I have let the problem fester and drag on and now it's got too big to handle and frightensme even more.