Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Depressed DP off sex?

22 replies

Elkie99p · 03/12/2021 14:47

Hello

My DP has been depressed for a few months and although he's still very affectionate and cuddly, he has gone from wanting sex 3 times a week to twice a month.

He's also stopped "snogging" me and it's been weeks since we kissed more than a peck.

I am panicking a bit that he doesn't fancy me anymore or that he's fallen out of love.

I have raised it and he said he fancies the pants off me and thinks I am gorgeous but he's lost his mojo and has no energy or enthusiasm for anything.

Is this a depression thing, or do I need to worry?

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 03/12/2021 15:10

How old is he? Depression and reduced libido are both symptoms of male hypogonadism (low testosterone). It happened to my DH in his early 40's. It might be worth a trip to the GP to find out. It's a simple blood test.

Original poster

Elkie99p · 03/12/2021 15:17

Early 40s but the depression came on after a severe trauma so I think it's that which caused it!

OP posts:

sunnyzweibrucken · 03/12/2021 16:04

Only a few months after severe trauma, I wouldn't be thinking about sex either. Poor guy is probably depressed and probably needs to go see someone about it. You should definitely not pressure him about sex, be supportive until he can fix whatever is wrong

Original poster

Elkie99p · 03/12/2021 16:26

I am just confused as when he's felt bad in the past he never went off sex. Sex was always a good soother for him and now he just doesn't seem to want me at all

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 03/12/2021 16:31

Was the trauma something like a job loss that would make him question his worth or identity? That might explain why he's gone off sex this time but not previously.

Courtier · 03/12/2021 16:31

My partner has a lower sex drive. He still loves me and thinks I'm hot. Depression can cause low libido

ChristmasKrackers · 03/12/2021 16:33

It’s sounds normal, ups and downs and all that. If it goes on too long maybe he should visit the doctor with his low mood.

Of course it’s not you, you said yourself there’s been a trauma, don’t get insecure if you can help it, be supportive and patient as I’m sure that’s what you would want for yourself.

Original poster

Elkie99p · 03/12/2021 17:21

I think it's just that he always had such a high sex drive that it's difficult not to feel rejected. Not to be TMI but last night he was cuddling me and was "aroused" but didn't make any move.

He's also stopped exercising and he used to go to the gym daily :( For information, I have supported him and so on with feeling better but I am just being human and worrying maybe I got ugly or smell or something!

OP posts:

FabulousMrFifty · 03/12/2021 17:47

As others say depression in men can have many symptoms including reduced sex drive, please don’t take it personally, and try to support him

www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/men-and-depression

RainLol · 03/12/2021 18:11

Maybe stop making this about yourself and be supportive of him.

Also, you should work on your self-esteem, so it’s not so wrapped around weather a man wants to have sex with you or not.

Original poster

Elkie99p · 03/12/2021 18:23

It's a bit harsh to say I am wrapped up in myself and not supportive when I've spent months looking after him :(

Thanks @FabulousMrFifty he has most of the things on that list :( It's just it was our anniversary yesterday and I really went to an effort to look nice and then he didn't even kiss me and fell asleep :(

I've never been depressed so I started to feel like maybe it's me

OP posts:

fixlet · 03/12/2021 18:56

I completely understand the way you're feeling, @Elkie99p. My partner is exactly the same, but it's been years now. All down to depression, anxiety, medication and his age.

The line that gets trotted out is always 'It's not you, it's not your fault' but the rejection really hurts and makes you feel worthless. I know it's not his fault either, but it's sent me to breaking point.

Does he know how you feel?

Original poster

Elkie99p · 03/12/2021 19:03

I am so sorry @fixlet. This has only been a few months - I can't imagine it being years :(

I don't want to make him feel bad so I have not mentioned it very much at all.

I don't mind doing without sex, it's feeling like he's not in love with me anymore that is hurting.

He's very affectionate, always touching and in bed strokes my boobs and bottom and tells me how pretty I am, but then doesn't actually do anything with it.

It's just a bit odd compared to his normal insatiable appetite. I've never had a man not want to have sex before so it's a strange feeling.

OP posts:

Specialized101 · 03/12/2021 19:39

I can confirm,as a Man,we do struggle with with libido if were feeling a bit low or depressed,and knowing that our partners now think we dont find them attractive just adds on the pressure and ultimately makes it much worse. Our way around that is to try to make up for lack of action with words instead,it sounds like hes very aware so please bear with him as it will get better

gannett · 03/12/2021 21:57

OP you might have been supportive but you don't seem to understand what depression is or what its effects are. A lowered sex drive is extremely common for both men and women who suffer from depression. It's really not about you.

Whydidimarryhim · 03/12/2021 22:31

Is he taking an antidepressant-

ReadyforTakeOff · 04/12/2021 00:32

What's he depressed about? If this becomes a long term thing you need to consider if you can be bothered living with someone like that.

He needs to be showing that he is doing something to fix it.

RainLol · 04/12/2021 00:42

@ReadyforTakeOff

What's he depressed about? If this becomes a long term thing you need to consider if you can be bothered living with someone like that.

He needs to be showing that he is doing something to fix it.

It’s only been few months and not only that, after ”severe trauma”: And only thing happening is less sex.

Maybe give the poor soul a little bit more time than that…,

fixlet · 04/12/2021 06:49

The affection is a really good sign, @Elkie99p. He obviously adores you and wants you to feel attractive, so hold onto your hope.

Buttston2 · 04/12/2021 07:05

Wow some of the responses your getting here aren't very kind 💛. My husband has had times where his libido was low and he would try to start thing's then couldn't finish and I used to find that so upsetting. Much like you I was is this me am I the problem. I understand how you are feeling and while he is obviously going through something that doesn't mean your feelings aren't important too.

I think maybe keep up with the snuggles and take the pressure of sex off the table and maybe without that expectation there thing may progress.

I hope you can work though it together talking and being open good luck x

Didimum · 04/12/2021 08:19

It’s absolutely a hallmark of depression. Is he on antidepressants, OP? These can also cause sexual issues, but he should work with his doctor to find solutions if that’s happening.

To all the posters saying to leave sex off the table - well, not necessarily. Sex is one of the great joys of life, and it certainly sounds like it was for this guy.

@RainLol Excuse me? It’s no joke being the primary carer for someone with depression, and a great proportion of spouses end up with depression themselves. OP requires support not your disdain.

RainLol · 04/12/2021 09:01

Yeah I know, been all sides of it.
For years and years.
That’s why I’m saying that few months is really nothing.
No need to be so desperate.

Flip