Really need some help

[Downinthedumps12]

After a lot of soul searching, I've realised I need to leave my husband.

I think I'm codependent (childhood abuse) and I didn't see it at first, but he has all the traits of a narc. There's so many red flags but I ignored them all.

I think there's trauma bonding and as much as I can hate him, I feel so bad for hurting him and scared to make the jump.

Why am I like this?

Well I think you explained why? Because of your past. However, you now seem to have a clear view of what's happening. You need to believe that you and your life is important in its own right. You only have one, don't use any more of it somewhere that is making you unhappy. I'm sure others will be along and do you need any practical advice?

Yes I feel desperately unhappy, I feel anxious around him, I cant be myself. He won't let me have my nieces around to stay at weekends etc.

I rent a council property and I'm the main tennant so he would have to go.

I just can't find the courage to actually tell him as he's verbally very aggressive.

Do I just say my feelings have changed towards him and I'm unhappy? I know he will start shouting asking how long I've felt like this, why didn't I say sooner, he will blame me for breaking up the family.

It feels easier to stay and be miserable

It’s probably because if he’s a narcissist, his possible reaction will be outrage. How dare you not want to be with him. There’s nothing wrong with him, so it’s all your fault. He will be angry at you.

My friend is going through something similar. We are both concerned about some of the trans women issues, but her husband doesn’t want her to discuss it with him because it makes him feel uncomfortable.

We joked about if she became a “ranty” feminist and filled the house with women’s groups, maybe he would ask for a divorce!

She looked me dead in the eye and said “oh yes, the long game”

Yes I expect outrage.

Its been hard because we had a row in June when he kicked off because I went to a family BBQ without him (he was invited) and I got the silent treatment for 5 days. Since that day, he's been really nice.

But I can't forget what's happened with his control over the previous 4/5 years

You ask why you are scared of making the move to split and why you feel bad for hurting him.

The answer is mainly: because you're a nice person. Narcissists will always go for nice people because they are such a rich source of narcissistic supply.

What often goes hand-in-hand with nice people is their inner sense of justice. What would you want to happen to a best friend or a sister in your position? Whatever advice you would give her, this is the advice you follow for yourself.

Leaving a narcissist needs a strength of will. You will need to remain focused and bloody-minded.

@Signalstation thank you. I would tell my sister she has to go, she only has 1 life. It will be hard but she will come out of it a happier and stronger person.

20 people can tell me I need to leave him, my body is telling me I need to leave him, but I will still struggle.

I don't know what to say to him

I want to end the relationship this weekend. I'm so scared and don't know what to say

@Downinthedumps12

I want to end the relationship this weekend. I'm so scared and don't know what to say

25 years ago I felt exactly as you do now. I was worried that I was going to hurt him and that he wouldn’t cope without me. I was aware that he treated me appallingly.

Now, 25 years later, I’m still in exactly the same position, except that I’ve developed a few coping strategies. I have dreams and I make plans but I know I will never carry them through.

@Downinthedumps12, Please don’t be me 💐💐💐

@AnybodyAnywhere sorry to hear your story. Sending you hugs.

He's talking marriage and holidays and it's freaking me out. I know if married him I would never be happy. He's being all nice as I said the past few months.

I need to leave him. But I feel I can't even spit the words out

I found it best to have a bit of a script, so I could calmly explain and not get drawn off topic. Something like “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you any more, I’d like you to leave, our relationship is over, I’ve told you before that I’m unhappy and I won’t change my mind so don’t want to talk about it further” rinse and repeat.

It’s hard, but living your life in an unhappy relationship is much harder.

As @AnybodyAnywhere's post indicates - you need to be more scared of what happens if you stay than what happens if you leave. If you are genuinely scared of what harm he might do when you tell him, then have a friend or family member round so that there is someone on hand if things get nasty.

He won't accept he's at fault for the relationship breaking down and also - if you say it's something he's doing wrong, you're also, in a sense, giving him grounds to offer to fix it. So it may just be better to make it all about you and why you're just not suited to the relationship any more i.e. not something he could offer to fix.

Life is not a dress rehearsal - we get one shot at it, and no-one knows when it will end. There was a desperately sad post on here - about 18 months ago, I think - from a woman who had been in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for her entire adult life. Finally, in her 40s, she had managed to escape the relationship only to be diagnosed with a terminal illness and not long left to live. She was devastated and felt she had wasted her life. She said that one of the main reasons she was posting was because she didn't want other people to make the mistake she had made. I think it's quite possible that spending all those years in an abusive relationship may have contributed to the illness that was going to kill her. Whatever caused the illness, it meant she had very little time left to enjoy life outside the abusive relationship.