Jealous of DH (no solution, just wanting to share)

[manysummersago]

I met my now husband three and a half years ago, and we have one child who is a year old. At the time I had quite a complicated living situation as I had a house I rented out and a flat in a different area of the country. I used to stay with DH at weekends and leave at around 4 in the morning Monday, come straight back Friday.

DH used to travel a lot for work in those days, sometimes abroad, sometimes uk. When lockdown happened he was permanently wfh, and although I was technically wfh tbh I didn’t have much work to do. I found out about my pregnancy early on in the first lockdown and that was quite a nice chilled time.

What’s hard is now DH life is so easy and chilled still while mine is frantic, it’s no one’s fault, but sometimes I feel so jealous of him. It isn’t translating to marriage problems and we actually get on very well (although we barely see one another!) but it’s just a bit difficult with massive discrepancies between our lives.

Nothing anyone can do to help but I wonder if anyone was / is in a similar position.

So you and DH still live apart? Or if you don't, why is your life so frantic? Are you working and doing 100% of childcare and domestic chores? In which case, he's a twat.

No, sorry - I forgot to say that in my OP. We moved in at the start of lockdown.

My life is frantic because I’m a FT working mum in a demanding and not very flexible role … it’s just how it is.

Do you need to rebalance what happens at home.

Should he be doing more?

Should you both be paying for more practical help ie cleaning, laundry. With your husband doing the organising.

I know it's not always simple but isn't he a FT working father in a demanding (flexible?) role? Why isn't his life equally frantic? You should be trying your utmost to share the burdens equally!

Because most of the frantic-ness comes from my job, of course home demands perpetuate this to an extent but the fact is he just has a better and more flexible job than I have.

I think you need to have a conversation, tell him how you feel, see if you can equalise the position if you can, or at least pass over some of the additional stuff you're dealing with. If its childcare/family admin that makes your life manic (on top of work) its only going to increase as your child/children get older. If he's wfh that gives him an opportunity maybe to do more at home / have time that he wouldn't ordinarily have?? Sometimes its not a refusal to do stuff, its just ignorance of stuff that needs doing / not really thinking about it (in my H's case anyway). He'll gladly help if I ask / sort something if I tell him it needs sorting - but I don't want to be the one who has to think about all of that, on top of everything else, for me its that "thinking" / organisation on top of everything that makes life manic.

I sound old and middle aged now but whilst it might not be an issue now when you're relatively newly married and in the early stages of parenting, certainly in my case that inequality in our roles has led to issues (which we're sorting) later down the line.

What sort of childcare arrangements are in place? Who does what before work/after work in terms of child and house work etc?

How many hours are you out of the house?

I've always worked ft with kids and whilst it certainly makes me do most things at 100miles ph, it also has lowered my expectations as I simply cannot keep every element of my life at perfection.

Maybe we can help with advice and tips on how you and dh can both make the most of what you currently do/need to do/can drop etc?

So how much of the childcare and housework is he doing and how much are you doing OP? You know that if it was him in a demanding inflexible role you'd be doing the bulk of it. Is he?

This is more of a work problem than a Dh problem but the work section on here is more to do with problems at work. I don’t really have any: I just don’t enjoy it, hate leaving the house and hate weekends coming to an end.

However leaving is also a bit of a non starter because I’d struggle with finding anything with equivalent P & C.

Have you looked for other work?

Can anything be done at your current work to improve things?

Not really. Looking for other work just isn’t sensible at the moment. We want another baby and my age means we can’t wait so I’d mess up my maternity package. Plus my role is perfect for school holidays. It just isn’t enjoyable.

Could you afford to drop a day at work? I went back 4 days a week after maternity leave and that extra day at home really helped. I also hated my job but I only had 4 days to get through each week so it was more bearable and the extra time at home made me feel like life was less of a constant rush.

I’m back full time now the kids are older and in a job I love. These things pass but you need to take control where you can and ease some of the pressure.

I could afford it but I have to wait. I’m hoping to do three days a week. The slight problem with this is that my working conditions will inevitably become worse as a result but ultimately I do want to do this, I just can’t at the moment.

So is it that you and DH are both FT working parents, and do equal amount at home, but his job is less demanding/more flexible that yours?

Pretty much yes

Sounds like you need to change things at work then. Any chance of delegating more?

This is why both parents working (or working full time) doesn’t work well.

It is what it is at the moment.

I had a v stressful job. Had 2 kids during this time. I looked on jobs boards and DH helped me to retrain in his industry (IT/software). After a few years of hobby coding in my spare time, I came across a dream job, applied and got it. This job suited me much more than my last one - I got a promotion in about 18months and the work-life balance is great. Start looking out there for long term options (just having a plan and thinking of an escape route helped me keep going for at least 3 years).