Dragged into drama

[2oldfordrama]

Ive left this deliberately cryptic in case someone recognises the situation. It’s about a two romantic relationships within a project and someone from one of them unsuccessfully trying to have an extramarital affair. The biggest gossip I’ve ever met got wind of it all from their project partner and spread rumours (or are they rumours if they’re true?) and now I’m getting the blame.

I’ve been drawn into this drama I don’t want to be part of and am accused of something I haven’t done. I don’t want to be involved with any of these people who seem to thrive on drama and gossip but I cannot avoid them because it’s a small place (not a workplace as such but somewhere I cannot avoid going to due to a two year project I’m heavily involved in.)

If I try to defend myself in any way and explain that it wasn’t me who said or did what I am accused of, I’m adding fuel to the drama and getting involved when I have said I don’t want to be involved. If I stay silent and just ignore them as best I can, then they can continue to say what they want and blame me for whatever they want and I’m left looking like the bad one when I’m not. As if my silence is a sign of guilt?

They’re deflecting the blame for something I’m not involved in to me, instead of the person who has created this situation with their own bad behaviour or the person who is gossiping and spreading stories.

I don’t know why people do this kind of thing or what purpose it has for them. The back biting and two-faced nature of it and their need for drama and gossip is tiring and depressing me. I cannot escape these people and I’m so done being brought into something I’ve said all along I don’t want to be part of. I have a sick feeling in my stomach and am awake at 3am worrying about it all. I don’t want to have to deal with these people now I cannot trust them not to gossip and twist truths to meet their own ends.

What do I do? My brain won’t let me stop playing it over and over to work out if I have maybe said or done something to justify all this. I know rationally I’ve not done anything wrong but I’m torn between gutted they’ve dragged me into this and so upset at being falsely accused while the ones who haven’t behaved well are getting off scot free and building a scenario that protects them & their reputation at all costs.

What would you do ?

I would nip it in the bud by telling them that you haven't the foggiest idea what they're talking about, and that you don't want to know either.

Just clear, simple, straight to the point. If they continue to try and talk to you again about it just don't engage, or change the subject to focus on the project.

Thank you.

"Sorry but I've never been a fan of gossip - I'm not involved in the situation and don't wish to be, so let's talk about something else."

Or similar. Rinse and repeat.

Thank you!
It’s since gotten worse and I’m now worried my ‘dignified silence’ is being turned into she must be guilty. They’ve also blamed someone else now too who as far as I’m aware knows nothing of any of this and I don’t know whether to approach said person or just keep my mouth shut still.

I should add I’m neurodivergent and don’t really understand the subtlety of this kind of group interaction or how to respond.

I feel so stupid like I shouldn’t try to be friendly to people because it never ends well.

I’m going through something similar at the moment and was glad to see this post! I completely understand the anxiety and dread being dragged into gossip feels, and I feel like I’m constantly being pulled back into a he said she said situation at the moment, and every time I try to clarify my role/position I’ll inadvertently say something that adds fuel to the fire.

Something I think that helps is to look at the bigger picture and zoom out a bit - you are you no matter what and you know your truth - at the end of the day people have survived much worse. I like the saying “the people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t mind”.

Just say, “i have to be honest, this topic makes me really anxious and I’ve said my bit and I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I hope you can respect that.”

And then just know that time will blow this over eventually. Something else will become more interesting to people.

And maybe think about looking for a new job with a better workplace culture :)

If I stay silent and just ignore them as best I can, then they can continue to say what they want and blame me for whatever they want and I’m left looking like the bad one when I’m not

The reason you feel involved in the drama is because you care about this. Recognise that there could be a bunch of people blaming you solely for the environmental crisis, or the state of the economy. It simply doesn't matter. They're wrong, they're a bit nuts, and nothing you say will change their minds.

The only reason you feel involved is because you're allowing yourself to be. Otherwise all that's happening is that liars are saying your name. It means nothing.

How important is the project? Can you do anything at all to be around them even a little less?

I would shrug my shoulders and say I don’t enjoy gossip.

Like the PP says, you’re only being dragged in because you’re allowing it. Focus on the work.

This does sound tricky OP but I don't even understand, how could you be to blame for the actions of two people having an affair, or are you being blamed for having outed the affair?

A combination of dignified silence combined with a little bit of declaring ''not my circus not my monkeys'' whenever anybody tries to draw you in is probably the best policy.

It’s not me. It’s nothing to do with me. I don’t know who is spreading these lies or why.

Then shake head, sigh heavily and then smile and move onto the business at hand (ie no discussion).

People are jerks, in the main, I’ve found! Put them straight quickly and move on straight away to doing your actual work smiling and head held high.

Thank you.. The local gossip has been talking about the issue of the nonexistent affair claiming authority and saying it’s all come from me. I haven’t a clue about any of it but people are believing the gossip. You’d think they’d know if someone thrives on gossip that they can’t really be trusted but it seems not getting involved makes me more suspicious.

I’m genuinely not responding to them so I’m not being involved but certain members of the team keep trying to find ways to get me involved, they think they’re playing detective. I’ve just stopped answering or even reading their WhatsApp and emails over the weekend because it’s my personal time & it feels like it’s verging on harassment.

The only thing I’m caring about here is my reputation not what has gone on to cause the drama. This project is really important to my reputation and future and I care about both of those & of course the project outcome. I can’t leave the project, it’s not work like a job. I don’t really want to explain further other than it isn’t an option to walk away without great losses to myself.

I really don’t understand why people do this. I get why people gossip but to make up lies and blame someone not involved just seems stupid and risky.

I'll tell you why this has happened. The people who are saying things don't want to dob the gossiper who started it in so they have thrown you under the bus and no matter what you say you will be blamed.

Dignified silence unless you are asked personally and then you can say it is nothing to do with you.

Someone I know used to pass nasty vicious gossip on to a family member about himself for 'brownie points' to stay in his favour and make him think they were the only person he could trust.
Every time she said the info came from me, because I was the closest person to him, and so an easy target
She was jealous of our close relationship, and telling him lies like this made him distrust me and caused hell on earth.
We were estranged for long periods of time because of her who also pretended to be my friend.
It was hurtful and cruel since my family member relied on me and trusted me and hearing I had said personal things was unacceptable to him..
She continuously fed into his paranoia by saying it all came from me making him feel I could not be trusted and totally fucked with his head.
No matter how much I denied and defended myself my family member would not believe me.
Then one day this horror of a person slipped up. Said the wrong thing to the wrong person and it all came out.
The truth always comes out in the end. You find out who your friends are when shit like this happens

It's a bit too cryptic for me op.

Is this person who is wanting an extramarital affair someone who likes you?

If not and you are just an innocent bystander then it would be water off a ducks back to me. Why on earth would they blame you?

Head up, shoulders back, do not let them dump any blame on you, if asked deny any involvement, move on and concentate on the project.

It will die down.