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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Oh no. Is this going to improve?

5 replies

MrsCompletelyAverage · 02/12/2021 22:04

Settle in for a long one.

Me & DH both late 40s, both 2nd marriages. I did not want to get married again H really did, I went along with it as he felt stronger than I did.

To give DH his due he does far more than half of the household jobs. He WFH and strictly only office hours, no extras. Whereas, I am out working long days every day.

15 years ago I was earning a lot more than him, but he's got middle aged, middle class white man syndrome, so his career is thriving. My career wilted on the vine a decade ago, just before I turned 40.

TL/DR I am reliant on him for money.

My health has been very poor lately, even now I'm fighting long Covid and that really is where short term problems have become long term.

An example: I feel over/blacked out/something in our en suite bathroom earlier this evening. DH has fixed the shower cubicle. I said thank you, he didn't offer me a cuddle, ask whether I was hurt I am but it doesn't matter, or anything else. No, he stormed back downstairs.

Even when we were first together he wouldn't cuddle me if I was crying or upset.

I've managed to eff up another marriage, I can't afford to live round here I was born here! As the solicitors fees will eat into out equity and I don't have that many working years left --comparatively.

I'm fucked, aren't I?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 02/12/2021 22:06

I don't understand....
You work long hours. How are you reliant on him for money?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2021 22:10

If you want out then surely it’s a good thing you’re married.

MrsCompletelyAverage · 02/12/2021 23:01

spocheck I didn't explain myself very well.15 years ago I earned more than he did, I work in the public sector. In 15 years my wages have all but stagnated, DH's wages have increased so much that he earns more than twice as much as me.

Our responsibilities are approximately the same, I am better qualified than him.

Being married AnnLovesGilbert offers some protection though not much as we haven't been married for 5 years yet.

I'm not meaning to drip feed, we haven't had sex in months. He is very grumpy, his adult DCs have said how bad he is and asked why I put up with it.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 03/12/2021 19:20

Thanks,
But I still don't understand...

If you split, you'd have marital assets. You still work. Although you may have to downsize/ be less comfortably off, surely you would be able to live on your own- albeit in a more modest way.

Elieza · 03/12/2021 19:37

I had something similar with an ex, I was really fucked with ME/chronic fatigue and he got angry because he thought I was lying or exaggerating.

I wasn’t lying and you arent either.

Could it be that yours feels the same as my ex though? That he’s having to do more because you’re doing less these days and you’re just at it? And him with his Big Important Job having to do house stuff when you’re just sitting there tut etc…? Mine even complained that I got better sick pay than him and it wasn’t fair.

I think you need to talk. Hes clearly upset at something and only once you get to the bottom of it can you fix this. It may be something totally unrelated that you can help him with?

I never did find out how to convince my bf that I was ill. I left him as I felt betrayed by the one person who should have loved me because he thought I was a malingerer.

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