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Relationships

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Original poster

Are we moving too slow?

20 replies

AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 13:23

Hi all! I need a third party's perspective... I am divorced with kids, and I've been on a few dates with a divorced dad. The dates have been amazing so far. But... we only see each other once a week. We both work full time, we've got kids, lots on our plates, but I kind of wish we would see each other a bit more. Also, he doesn't text during the day, at all. He's got back to back calls, and he has to focus on work, but so do I. Still, it's clearly not his thing and I don't want to talk to him about it not to make him feel guilty for not texting me. Guilt trips are never good. And he also never seems to want to talk on the phone. I suggested it a couple of times, he ignored the suggestions, and that was that. We now have our next date planned, next week, and he does text me a line every morning and a few exchanges every evening, but that is it. I don't want to screw this up - there are nowadays so many rules in dating!! When we meet, it's amazing, but are we moving too slow? Or is it ok to have a week in between dates and very scarce communication in between? We met online, so he may very well be dating others, too, but I think it's too early to have a talk about being exclusive, so I am not bringing it up. Should I just let him lead and go with the flow?

OP posts:

MeltedButter · 02/12/2021 14:46

I wouldn't call texting in the morning and evening scarce communication.

But if it's not enough for you that's totally fine you might be better suited to someone who likes more communication but the amount of communication will likely change as the relationship progresses anyway.

premium77 · 02/12/2021 14:57

I think if he’s a dad and works full time that he’s doing his best. Once a week is fine

itlod · 02/12/2021 15:08

After a few dates I don't think you can expect much more tbh!

I'm a single mum working full time and a couple of times I've dated people that were constantly texting throughout the day. Explained politely that I don't have time for that while I was working, making dinner, putting kids to bed, ironing tomorrow's uniforms etc.
If they didn't respect it, I stopped seeing them all together

Seeing each other more often should also come
with time. Depending on his (and your) arrangements in terms of routine with DC, child free time is precious. I have 2 child free nights a week, sometimes 3 but I also have a social life outside of dating. Longer term a partner would become more of a priority but not after a few dates

itlod · 02/12/2021 15:12

Just to add to my response below, one thing that makes me run a mile in the early days is if I feel under pressure to make time for someone.

My life is busy & stressful as it is and if there is any pressure to do more, that's a massive red flag.

Dating should be fun & lighthearted. When it gets more serious, that's when I'd revaluate my priorities and make more time for someone

Original poster

AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 15:28

@itlod

Just to add to my response below, one thing that makes me run a mile in the early days is if I feel under pressure to make time for someone.

My life is busy & stressful as it is and if there is any pressure to do more, that's a massive red flag.

Dating should be fun & lighthearted. When it gets more serious, that's when I'd revaluate my priorities and make more time for someone

That’s such a great advice, thank you! I will try my best to look at the situation like this and remember your words about not putting any pressure on him. That’s difficult because we all prioritise our own feelings, naturally, but if I want something serious to develop with this man - and I do - I’ll have to adapt and be patient. Thank you.

OP posts:

JessicaPipsqueak · 02/12/2021 15:56

No, you don't have to adapt how you are as a person! Don't do that!

Just be sensible about it all. If you've been seeing him once a week for a couple of months and you have communication every day - sounds about right

If you've been seeing him for 6 months + then it's clear he's probably just wanting a once a week shag and nothing more

So I suppose it depends on how long you've been seeing him, if you're sleeping with him and if there's scope to see him more

BurbageBrook · 02/12/2021 15:57

The not texting during the day wouldn’t bother me. I’d feel suffocated if I was expected to text DP during the work day. But the other stuff is more troubling.

Original poster

AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 15:59

@JessicaPipsqueak

No, you don't have to adapt how you are as a person! Don't do that!

Just be sensible about it all. If you've been seeing him once a week for a couple of months and you have communication every day - sounds about right

If you've been seeing him for 6 months + then it's clear he's probably just wanting a once a week shag and nothing more

So I suppose it depends on how long you've been seeing him, if you're sleeping with him and if there's scope to see him more

A couple of months, yes, and not sleeping together yet (probably more a logistics thing as we both have kids at home…) But still, I do wonder if it’s too slow - and I’m at a loss as to how to politely mention it to him?..

OP posts:

freeatlast2021 · 02/12/2021 21:18

I personally think that there is no right or wrong way of dating. We are all different and therefore what is right for me may not be for you. When looking for a partner one should look for someone who has similar needs. If you are not getting what you need from this guy it just means that he is not the right guy for YOU. Rather then trying to fix him or ignore your own feelings I would look for another partner.

Momijin · 02/12/2021 21:22

You are who you are. I like to speak so this wouldn't work for me. Before I even met my bf I spent a month talking to him for hours most days.

KintsugiForever · 02/12/2021 21:38

I'm at a similar stage as you @AstroGirl5 and a very similar set up. Dating about 3 months and we've just agreed the boyfriend/girlfriend thing despite our ages! I thought we were moving too slowly but when I really thought about it, I was judging the start of this relationship against my past 2 which were pretty much intense/love-bomb style. Slow can be better as long as you feel OK about it. We do chat throughout the day a bit but apart from that, we meet once a week on lovely dates.

For me I think after Christmas if we're still happy, I may think another day in the week, say a lunch meet, is a good step forward. But for now I'm not trying to rush it to be something it doesn't need to be. Just letting it develop naturally.

itlod · 02/12/2021 21:49

I think a few months is different than a few dates tho tbh. My previous replies I was thinking you'd maybe only met 3 times or so.....a few months in I'd maybe like to see someone more than once a week of schedules and childcare allowed.

Original poster

AstroGirl5 · 03/12/2021 06:46

@KintsugiForever

I'm at a similar stage as you *@AstroGirl5* and a very similar set up. Dating about 3 months and we've just agreed the boyfriend/girlfriend thing despite our ages! I thought we were moving too slowly but when I really thought about it, I was judging the start of this relationship against my past 2 which were pretty much intense/love-bomb style. Slow can be better as long as you feel OK about it. We do chat throughout the day a bit but apart from that, we meet once a week on lovely dates.

Thank you. I do hope it works out for both of us! However, that’s the thing for me - we DON’T chat during the day. Only a couple of texts in the morning and in the evening. No phone calls. And yesterday when he took 6-7h to write me, I frankly was so upset already that I didn’t want to write anything back, and I didn’t. He then later wrote that he was missing out late night chats and wished me good night. I still didn’t want to reply. So here I am this morning, wondering how and whether to tell him that so much time between texts makes me anxious and that I would appreciate a phone call as well between dates. But I don’t want to bitch and whine and seem needy, and don’t want to put him on a guilt trip… Not sure what to do…

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 03/12/2021 06:54

Having needs does not make you needy.

Ignoring his messages is giving him the silent treatment which is a form of abuse.
He doesn't even know what the issue is poor man.
Tell him how you feel and see if there's a compromise like a couple of phone calls between meets.

Messaging during the day can be an issue as not everyone has the time or inclination to do this while at work.

moofolk · 03/12/2021 07:14

Single mum here, dating another single mum.

In fact I seem to only ever date single mums so have a bit of experience here.

Seeing each other once a week is normal and depending on when childcare fits, for us at the moment (new relationship) it's only possible every other Saturday & a chance of a fortnightly midweek so similar to yours, (and very similar to my last relationship which lasted around eighteen months).

it's plenty

I have no doubt that if you have kids and work then you are really busy. Spending all your time with a new lover is a young person's game.

But do be wary of texting all the time, it can feel suffocating. Sometimes it's nice but can be taken as red flags if it feels too intense to the other person. I've been that person receiving more communication that I can handle (job, three children, needing time alone sometimes) and it can be overwhelming and off putting.

Being in that situation has also made me reassess my own behaviour in a previous relationship and how maybe I was too full on so it's a learning process (got dumped on that one)

Allow yourself to think about him without telling him immediately. Allow yourselves to miss each other.

And good luck.

whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy · 03/12/2021 07:25

What was so upsetting about him not replying during the day when he tends not to? Was it an urgent question you needed an answer to?

I think that level of communication is ok too, lots of people rush into things that are too intense.

gannett · 03/12/2021 08:12

Texting every morning AND evening is not scarce communication (I'd actually call it a fairly high volume of messages). No communication during the working day is perfectly normal for people with busy jobs. Getting upset and punishing him when you don't get a reply for a few hours (unless there was an urgent answer required) is a red flag about you.

itlod · 03/12/2021 08:20

@gannett

Exactly this.

If the roles were reversed and a guy gave me the silent treatment for not texting during work, id end it.

Your behaviour is borderline controlling and manipulative at this stage of dating.
You're about to ruin something that you think could be good

KintsugiForever · 03/12/2021 08:27

I think you need to really take a step back and work out why someone you barely know has so much control over your feelings? It's natural to have a little bit of anxiety early on, but you should not fixate on the time it's taken him to reply etc. That's not healthy for you or him. You are risking ruining it before it's even begun. What is the main feeling driving the anxiety?

Is this your first foray into dating after divorce?

itlod · 03/12/2021 08:37

I'd almost understand the anxiety if he constantly texted every day and yesterday things were suddenly different. However you already know this guy isn't able to (or doesn't like) texting during work hours.

It sounds like when he doesn't text you worry he's lost interest but that's your own insecurity talking.

PPs have said don't change yourself for someone you're dating but your emotions and anxiety don't sound healthy to me so I really do think it's something you need to work on getting to the root of. Maybe look at anxious attachment styles.

Also, it's not about changing yourself but all relationships need compromise to work. You seem to really like this guy, have a great time in person. You see each other weekly. He texts consistently you multiple times a day (every morning and night). I think it sounds pretty perfect for this stage of a 'relationship' and if you can't relax and compromise on the fact he doesn't text you during the end, you're about to cause this to end before it's even started.

And i say 'relationship' as It's been a few dates and you've not slept together yet. You need to bear that in mind and relax a bit

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