Those who’ve been through the family court or have some knowledge I need your advice please.

[Iwannascream8]

So, In a nut shell father not had contact for 2 years. He was found guilty of causing myself and daughter emotional harm. He is a bastard and always will be.

During court they made him do xyz. He did xyz and appears a good boy (we all know he will never accept what he has done). Last time judge said if he did xyz and appeared to have insight contact will resume working towards unsupervised blah blah blah

We go back in a few weeks for this hearing. Now I don’t know how to play it. Obviously I wish he’d drop off the earth as nothing good will come from it but that won’t go down well. I’m very well aware family court does not really care about our child or me.

He has done what they asked in a way. They asked for letters each month but to remain child focused and not mention future contact. All of his letters have mentioned that. He attended the DAPP course and now claims to have insight towards future behaviour. During this course he as moved into a house about 20 houses down the road from mine. Would someone who realised the harm he caused another moved to the same street. I’m sure it will get disguised as for the child but he doesn’t need to live there for contact to resume. If they order a content centre how will we walk around and go to the shop and not cross paths.

Do I mention all my points or do I just agree to whatever Cafcass (who will interview him after the DAPP course) say.

I’m not going to lie. I’m scared of him living in my road. I don’t want to be bumping into him on days I have daughter or alone. Course or no course I have a decade of extremely frightening memories to contain and continue my life carrying. Just because they deem contact safe does not change what happened.

I don’t want to mess this up and it’s the first time as litigant in person as can no longer afford my solicitor.

Hi. You don’t say how old your daughter is.? But obviously you will have to keep a line of contact open. If he has done what’s asked of him. Maybe give him a 2nd chance. 2 years is a long time to be separated from the other parent. Again you don’t say if it was his choice / actions or circumstances that caused the 2 year gap.? I’m a bloke and have been through the FC system trust me cafcass / FC. Will ensure yours and your child’s safety

I forgot to add. Should he mess up.? He will only have himself to blame and you can satisfy yourself you gave him a 2nd chance ( surely everyone deserves a 2nd chance.!!

Um my daughter deserves a second chance, he doesn’t I’m afraid. Unfortunately abuse has extremely long term consequences, he has made me ill for the rest of my life. It is something I’m going to have to live with and navigate. She is 6. Separated by court because of abuse whilst he took the steps they asked.

It’s so very difficult to keep emotions out of it when we are only human. I will never be able to forgive him but I’ll do what I’m asked of by court. I won’t get in the way of contact but I have a right to be safe and heal from his actions and my daughter has a right to be safe.

Hi. That’s good you won’t get in the way of contact. He was a abusive partner. But can be a good father if he turns this around.? . Emotional harm is just as abusive as other forms of abuse. If he has not / won’t learn from his experiences he never will.!! He is and will remain on police / cafcass / FC system / . Good luck to you n your daughter

I’ve been through FC a few times. I don’t want to share my story here but you can pm me you like.

FC and Cafcass are a joke but my story actually has a happy ending

I totally understand how you feel. I have been through the FC 14 times.
He has done what's been asked of??? him though . I'm guessing that he has submitted the court papers to change contact ? Regardless of your conserns I think if reports come back positive from the dapp course and the the indirect contact positive then there will be no reason not to move it to a contact centre.
What are your conserns about this?

@JustmeandtheKIDS2 I’m just concerned he hasn’t changed at all really. I can’t see how someone can go from being so awful to changed. That’s out of my hands though and to the court he will be seen to have done what they asked.

My major concern is that he has moved down the road from me last month. So now I don’t get to feel safe in my house anymore.

The best advise my solicitor gave me was to "remain measured"
Unless you have grounds to believe he hasn't changed and he's still a risk then I doubt you have much grounds to insist contact remains indirect. If you have evidence other wise then you need to produce it .
Regarding him living down the road, how horrible for you. Get some CCTV rigged up and one of those door bells you can see the person. Do all you can to secure your house, this will make you feel safer.
Get a dictorphone so if you see him out and about and there's an issue you can record him, if not it may just help you feel safer. X

It’s really difficult @JustmeandtheKIDS2 as he was found guilty of emotional abuse, he admitted it in a round about way and caught himself out. He may not attack me physically but moving so close is him still emotionally abusing me. He couldn’t think about how that would make me feel, the person he made permanently and caused ptsd. He is busy with his own needs.

He was asked to send our daughter letters each month. To keep them non emotional and child focused and not to mention future contact. He has mentioned it all. So he has ticked a box and done a course “but” he hasn’t learnt anything.

They wanted him to get insight into how his actions effect others so he doesn’t continue this in the future. He has not thought about our daughter in his letters. He is sad I get that, he misses her in his own way but he hasn’t put that aside for her emotional well being. No Contact has not been granted up until now, mentioning “I can’t wait to see you” is unfair and gets her hopes up. He still puts his needs first. He hasn’t changed.

Would I mention this, do they really care??? I don’t know.

You can mention it but contact will still continue to plan sadly

Personally I would move away from him (not far obviously) because you have the right to a peaceful life and his actions are preventing this

I know @Theunamedcat I wouldn’t expect it to stop but at least they will have it documented. Maybe they will go a little slower maybe not.

Moving @Theunamedcat would not be good for our daughter really. I really really need to be away from him but she has just done her bedroom, picked all new stuff. I know it’s just stuff but ….oh I don’t know what to do really for the best.

I would be inclined to move too, if you can afford to. You can redo your daughter's room and it seems a small price to pay for feeling more secure.

I can't help with family courts - they do seem a law unto themselves - but would say to keep every shred of evidence you have of his unsuitability to be allowed back into your lives.

You probably already have this but childlawadvice.org.uk might be able to help with free or low cost advice.

@Iwannascream8 I‘ m in a similar position as you, my ex was physically and emotionally abusive to me and my little one. Ex has completed DAPP who says he’s changed but I don’t believe he has, his main trait when abusive is that to the others he’s a friendly, kind and compassionate but behind closed doors he’s another person. He’s best at pulling the wool over peoples eyes, mine included when we first got together. If you don’t mind sharing how has contact progressed for you?

You need to share your concerns re him moving so close to you with the Cafcass officer who will explore his motivation behind this. Other than that, if Cafcass , through their meeting with him as well as the final DAPP report , believe that he has changed then painful as it is, you will need to give your daughter the opportunity to have that relationship with him. This means protecting her as much as you can from your objections over contact, which won’t be easy. Otherwise your little girl will go on to develop divided loyalties and feel guilty simply for loving her dad. Have you completed the Freedom Programme? I think you would benefit from it.

Professional who has been involved in family court work and DA cases here. Absolutely mention the fact he has moved very close to you and gone against advice with the letters. When the court advise something they tend to look dimly on people not doing it. The moving so close to you I would be clear you accept there may be reasons you dont know about, (as no doubt there will be a plausible excuse from him) but I think its fine to say you are worried about the rationale for it and it has affected your recovery from abuse (as the primary carer for your daughter, also affecting her) and her directly given no contact was ordered- confusing and upsetting if she sees him! BUT balance, balance, balance- if hes done anything positive make sure you acknowledge it- such as finishing the course and committing to writing. Its hard to do, but makes you appear much more credible if you do even briefly acknowledge any positives.

You might be able to get some advice in the legal section on here about how to handle family court.