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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Crush on co-worker? Anyone had this problem?

22 replies

Pearly999 · 02/12/2021 07:33

I am in a happy relationship with my partner, we get along well and he is very sweet however we have very different interests. I am sporty and into hiking, he is more into tech and hates hiking! For the past 2 years I have hiked occasionally with friends but mostly alone with my dog. Cue new co-worker, he was sweet and outgoing so we got along easily. He happens to also be very into the outdoors, after finding out I go alone he sent me a link to a woman’s hiking club to be safer which I joined and loved. I find myself so excited for the shifts when I know we are on together, and we always have such a fun time. I feel like I have developed feelings for him over the past few months, but I am unsure he feels the same way. I also have my boyfriend who I love dearly, but I just find myself daydreaming about my co-worker. I have not cheated, messaged him inappropriately or met him alone but I feel guilty for having feelings. Has anyone had this before and what happened?

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 02/12/2021 07:40

You need to grow up; this isn't school. Decide who you want to be with, and be with them. Stop fussing about the other.

Most people have feelings for others at some point during a committed relationship, it's not unusual. You just have to deal with the feelings calmly, and respectfully to yourself and others. You can't change them any more than you can change your food preferences.

itlod · 02/12/2021 07:44

OP does sounds like she's dealing with this calmly and respectfully.

There's not a single part of her post that makes it sound likes done anything she feels guilty about.

OP this all sounds quite natural to me tbh so you shouldn't be feeling guilty but if you want to stay with your partner I'd suggest keeping your distance from the co-worker and avoid spending time with him where you can. However, if it's highlighted you're not compatible with your current partner or he's not who you want to be with long term, that's a separate issue regardless of your colleague so try not to get them confused

TheFoundations · 02/12/2021 07:51

OP does sounds like she's dealing with this calmly and respectfully

Nobody said she wasn't...

PeterPomegranate · 02/12/2021 07:57

@itlod is right. We can’t help who we get crushes on. But if you live your boyfriend you need to avoid this coworker as much as you can (while being professional obviously). But if it’s made you think again about your boyfriend then maybe he’s not the right person for you. But try to keep those two things separate.

pog100 · 02/12/2021 07:59

You haven't done anything wrong to feel guilty about, yet...
However, it's living dangerously if you are certain you are with the right partner. You don't say how old you are or what stage of life. If you are young and not committed with children etc. It is worthwhile considering carefully why you are having these feelings. Is it just a bit of fun/fantasy or is it saying something fundamental is missing in your relationship. Only you can say. Don't make it messy by going any further with the crush though.

hahahawhatchalaughinat · 02/12/2021 08:10

Itlod's post sums it up brilliantly.

In terms of considering your current relationship, while you should keep these two things separate, it would be worth asking yourself:

What is it about this person I like?
What really matters to me in a relationship/ as a person?
Did this other person have a quality my partner didn't and that is very important to me?

When this happened to me, the answer to question 1 was "respect and kindness" and the answer to question 3 was "yes". In other words, I thought my primary relationship was great until I took a closer look and saw that what was missing was really fundamental. In that case, you end the primary relationship.

If it's not like that then you keep more distance and wait for it to pass, which it will.

itlod · 02/12/2021 08:25

@TheFoundations

OP does sounds like she's dealing with this calmly and respectfully

Nobody said she wasn't...

You're right, sorry. It was the suggestion at the beginning of your post that OP should grow up that lead me to interpret it that way - but apologies I've interpreted it wrong.

I just don't think there's anything immature or wrong with OPs post.

I think this can happen to anyone at any age and so far she's handled it well and is just looking for some advice.

Original poster

Pearly999 · 02/12/2021 08:42

Hi I am 21 and no children involved with my current boyfriend. We rent an apartment together but apart from living together we don’t go out and do anything as a pair. I would never cheat or do anything reckless as I do care a lot about him. The other problem is we moved away from my hometown to be in a better location for my boyfriends job, so I don’t know many people here and spend a lot of time alone. I wonder if it’s the loneliness that is causing it? My job is in a coffee shop so it is very sociable and impossible to avoid him as it’s a small independent place.

OP posts:

Braveheart35 · 02/12/2021 09:16

@TheFoundations

OP does sounds like she's dealing with this calmly and respectfully

Nobody said she wasn't...

I think telling the OP She needs to grow up, suggests otherwise....

ErickBroch · 02/12/2021 09:20

Oh OP you are so young! Definitely don't act, take time to really think about how you feel about your current relationship. Ending it just for this coworker would be a silly move, but not if there are other things you are unhappy with or just realise you aren't that into him anymore.

HailAdrian · 02/12/2021 09:20

Sooner or later, the crush will probably wear off. I'd mention your boyfriend in general conversation with this guy (in an appropriate way, obviously) and bear in mind, the grass almost definitely isn't greener. :)

furbabymama87 · 02/12/2021 09:30

You're only 21 and you've got no real ties to this man. This could be a sign your current boyfriend isn't the one for you. If you want to explore your feelings with other guys then that's what you need to do but be fair to your boyfriend and end things with him first.

Frauhubert · 02/12/2021 09:45

You are 21 and don’t do anything with your boyfriend apart from hanging out in the flat. I would be having feelings for my outdoorsy sporty co worker too.

TheFoundations · 02/12/2021 09:50

@Braveheart35

I think telling the OP She needs to grow up, suggests otherwise

OP hasn't actually done anything, so she can't have done anything that isn't grown up. 'Put your big girl pants on for this, OP' isn't an accusation.

CompetitiveMumming · 02/12/2021 10:24

21 is too young really, just be single or live with friends and date different people, or have a series of long term partners then settle down later. You've got bags of time to be living with a partner. Sounds like you're on the relationship escalator too early.

GOODCAT · 02/12/2021 10:49

It happens to lots of people @hahahawhatchalaughinat has summed it up brilliantly. Crushes pass after a while or at least subside sufficiently that it isn't on your mind so much and the excitement from being around them reduces significantly.

fumfspos · 02/12/2021 11:10

You're 21. Maybe this is giving you a wake up call to think about what you really want in a partner. If your interests are completely different and you already don't spend time together doing things out of the flat then it doesn't look that great for the future. You'll get bored at some point.

However, this would piss me off no end:
after finding out I go alone he sent me a link to a woman’s hiking club to be safer which I joined and loved

I'm glad you are enjoying the hiking club but I would not be happy about some random guy at work sending me a link saying that it would be "safer" than going alone.
I hike alone all the time, have done for 25 years. I'd be furious if some bloke sent me a link to a hiking group, implying that I, weak woman, wasn't safe hiking alone.
If you hike alone there are a lot of things to be aware of and to take extra precautions but it's not up to some bloke to decide that.

Your crush might turn out to be a complete knob....
(I'm projecting a bit here but if I'd had a crush on him it would have died the death the second he did that!)

MrsTimRiggins · 02/12/2021 11:16

I actually would consider it to be very normal to have passing crushes in life, it is how you deal with them that really matters. As the others have said, you’ve done nothing wrong here but I do think it may be worth using this as an opportunity to really consider your current relationship. That’s not to say you’ll definitely end up deciding to split, but it doesn’t hurt to take a step back and reevaluate once in a while, especially when you’re as young as you are. I was 22 (I think!) when I met my now husband, so I’m not saying you’re ‘too’ young, but it’s worth bearing in mind how much you change as a young woman and how much what you want from a relationship develops.
Just don’t do anything daft with work guy, you’ll feel terrible, you’ll hurt your partner and it won’t be worth it. Not that I’m saying you would, but just in case!

Onthedunes · 02/12/2021 13:44

Everybody has this problem, the laws of attraction.

You are still young, choices can be made and changed, just make sure you don't crap on the one your with, don't overlap if you live with someone.

Be single, living alone before you start the next.

It's a gamble isn't it and quite tempting to try the new one out before getting rid of the old but that's not nice so be kind.

PeterPomegranate · 02/12/2021 18:44

@Frauhubert

You are 21 and don’t do anything with your boyfriend apart from hanging out in the flat. I would be having feelings for my outdoorsy sporty co worker too.

Well yes!

Twenty one is too young to ‘settle’ (and I don’t mean settle down).

Original poster

Pearly999 · 02/12/2021 22:26

Thank you everyone, I have had a talk with my boyfriend about doing more together and trying to add more to my life. I will do my best to avoid my co-worker as I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t really know him. I don’t think my co-worker gave me the link to the hiking group in a patronising way, I had been talking about hiking alone and missing hiking with my girls from home. I think it was just something he saw on Facebook so sent it to me. I made that confusing sorry.

OP posts:

Janera7 · 03/12/2021 10:59

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