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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you handle this?

9 replies

HobGasNark · 01/12/2021 20:26

Anytime I mention meeting family or friends or going away, I get vague vague vague. The headline from him is ‘I can’t wait to do these things, I don’t know when as I’m busy.’

He has a busy job but his colleagues manage to do these things as he tells me!!

We are only a few months in (8) so I don’t want to be pushy but we are also not kids and are in our thirties (he’s late 30s!). I feel like at this point he should be wanting to do these things together. I was hoping we’d move in sometime next year if all went well!! I don’t feel I can raise that when we’ve not done any of these other things…

I’ve raised it and asked why he’s vague, we had an argument about it recently but all I get is vague answers like yes at some point and of course I want to share these rings with you… then he says I am making it stressful if I push it. His friends and family know about me and we see each other loads so it’s confusing as to why he won’t do these practical things together that in my mind would strengthen and develop the relationship. But like I say I don’t want to be pushy. Never been in this situation before, usually it all just happens…

OP posts:
HobGasNark · 01/12/2021 20:27

*share these things not rings

OP posts:
ChristmasKrackers · 01/12/2021 20:28

Things like what? Weekend away, yes. Having kids now, then his reasonable to be vague.

HobGasNark · 01/12/2021 20:29

@ChristmasKrackers meeting family and friends and going on holiday. That sort of thing.

OP posts:
Lampan · 01/12/2021 20:55

If there is a difference between what he says and how he acts, you have to go off how he acts. Seems to me like he has no intention of doing these things and it might be time to reconsider the relationship. If he was truly keen he would be keen to make sure you didn’t think he was losing interest.

billy1966 · 01/12/2021 20:59

Action not words.

He can say whatever he likes but if he doesn't make plans with you it's because he isn't that bothered.

This is who he is.
Believe him.

Stressful at 8 months?

Move on.

Flowers
CHEM20 · 01/12/2021 21:01

8 months in at a similar age (well, he was mid 30s), DH suggested we buy a house together (we did)…

I completely agree with @Lampan

When people show you who they are, listen to them.

FabriqueBelgique · 01/12/2021 21:20

If he feels like you’re pushing him, you’ll have to stop mentioning it completely. Get on with your lives, but let him see you happily go to your family stuff alone and enjoy it. Don’t make him feel guilty.

Then just observe how it goes for a couple of months. He might offer to come along when he feels the pressure is off and it’s his own choice. Or not. Then you can reasonably bring it up again and see what’s actually happening.

Sonaftersonafterson · 01/12/2021 21:28

There's been a lot of threads like this lately.

All I can say is at the grand old age of 44 and having been around the houses and in and out of the dating pool two things have always been clear. If they want to, they will and Actions Speak Louder Than Words. In fact, actions scream very very loudly and you can tell all you need to know from the way someone behaves with you. Words mean fuck all.

He is showing a lack of commitment... booking holidays etc takes it away from dating into more serious territory and he has got cold feet.

No one is that busy.

FinallyHere · 01/12/2021 21:33

why he won’t do these practical things

Because he doesn't want to.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If you are happy with you live being like this from now on, that's no problem.

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