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Relationships

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Original poster

Age gap concern...

19 replies

OopsThereGoesAnother · 01/12/2021 19:02

I'm 47 and have been single since forever. I'm now in a relationship.with a man 12 years older than me and it's like nothing I've ever experienced. For the first time ever, I love him and genuinely believe he loves me.

But I've become somewhat overwhelmed with the thought of losing him. He's the same age as my dad was when he died and, although I keep telling myself, anyone can die at any time, I have developed a fear of losing him this way.

I haven't said this to him of course.

Does anyone have any words of advice or wisdom or comfort or anything really!

Please be kind x

OP posts:

Doona · 01/12/2021 19:06

People die at every age. It's natural to worry about people you love. It shows he matters to you. It'll be fine, he's not your Dad.

5128gap · 01/12/2021 19:10

Fear of a loved one dying hits most if us at some point. I used to obsess over it being my DC. You really just have to try to push the thoughts away, as there's an excellent chance he will live to his 80s and you don't want to spoil decades with unnecessary worry. Easier said than done, but fear of death is natural and comes and goes. Often when you're very happy because you have a heightened sense of what you have to lose.

filka · 01/12/2021 19:20

It's not a huge age gap, I'm 17 years older than my wife of 19 years. At 61 I'm already 10 years older than my father was when he died. Last week a distant relative of my wife died at 40. You're boxing at shadows, stop worrying about it.

TheVanguardSix · 01/12/2021 19:25

So he's 59/60? He's not ancient.
Maybe you're just deeply in love. This is a bit of anxiety and it will pass. I think you're just bonding and falling hard in love. Lucky you!

It might be good to do a bit of therapy regarding your dad's passing. Whatever you do, don't tell your current partner that you're worried about losing him. DON'T make the poor guy feel old. He'll already feel a bit funny about the age gap (my former husband and I had a 14 year age gap and he always quietly worried... and no, the age gap didn't contribute at all to the end of our marriage. Not in the least. He was simply a massive turd! ).

Original poster

OopsThereGoesAnother · 01/12/2021 19:25

Thank you! I needed to hear these replies.

I've never worried about losing my children or anyone else even. I've always been quite pragmatic so I think it must be that he's the same age my dad was.

I don't want to lose years to worrying about it though so I'll just try and push it aside. Thank you.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 01/12/2021 19:32

I don't know if 'pushing aside' is the best way to treat a feeling. It's usually better to honour them, respect them, let them out into the air, in a way that's respectful to others.

In the same way it's helped you to feel better airing this emotion here, do you think maybe you could talk to your partner about it? He loves you. He wouldn't want you suffering this fear alone, would he?

5128gap · 01/12/2021 19:41

@TheFoundations

I don't know if 'pushing aside' is the best way to treat a feeling. It's usually better to honour them, respect them, let them out into the air, in a way that's respectful to others.

I'd agree for most feelings. But a fear of death is a fear of the inevitable that in one way or another we carry throughout our long lives. No amount of talking about it is going to prevent it. If it helps to talk to gain a perspective, great, but I don't think dwelling and reflecting helps with this one as you can't fix it you just have to live with it. I'm sure her partner wouldn't want her suffering but realistically what can he say? As the older partner myself if thus fear was shared with me it might make me wonder if I was being fair to continue as the 'cause' of the suffering.

Teenagekicksmyass · 01/12/2021 19:41

I am 48 and my DH is 58. I have to say, I do occasionally worry about whether he will go first, and I have told him that. When I do voice my concerns, he tells me how independent resilient I am and then reminds me that I might get hit by a bus tomorrow, which kind of helps me to put it into perspective xx

amylou8 · 01/12/2021 19:42

There's 13 years between us 45/58. His dad made it to 92 and mums well in her 80s, so if the genetics play out I could be stuck with him a while yet 🙂

TheFoundations · 01/12/2021 20:08

As the older partner myself if thus fear was shared with me it might make me wonder if I was being fair to continue as the 'cause' of the suffering

That's a shame. As the older partner myself, I'd rather my partner talk to me about any fears or concerns, rather than trying to surpress feelings and deal with things alone.

TheVolturi · 01/12/2021 20:21

Just enjoy it op, seriously, live for today. He might live till he's 100, or he could die tomorrow, you'll never know, but it's the same for anyone isn't it really?

5128gap · 01/12/2021 20:35

@TheFoundations

As the older partner myself if thus fear was shared with me it might make me wonder if I was being fair to continue as the 'cause' of the suffering

That's a shame. As the older partner myself, I'd rather my partner talk to me about any fears or concerns, rather than trying to surpress feelings and deal with things alone.

Well thats great, for you, and in presumably what is an established relationship. But I can only speak for myself, and if my younger partner had told me at a relatively early stage in our relationship that they were preoccupied with fears of my death, I would have given serious thought to whether we should continue; given its something that I could do nothing about, and to some extent goes with the territory in an age gap relationship. Which is one reason they're not for everyone.

TheFoundations · 01/12/2021 21:18

@5128gap

So what you're essentially saying is 'Keep your feelings to yourself, because if you share them, your partner might leave you.'

Not so healthy, and likely to encourage a further negative emotional response for OP.

5128gap · 01/12/2021 22:01

[quote TheFoundations]@5128gap

So what you're essentially saying is 'Keep your feelings to yourself, because if you share them, your partner might leave you.'

Not so healthy, and likely to encourage a further negative emotional response for OP.

Couples need to be open about their feelings. OP, if you can't share your feelings with your partner, have a think about why. What is it you fear will happen as a result of having that conversation? If you fear he will leave you, then that will be no different from any other insecurity, for you. The 'If he really knew how I felt, he wouldn't want to be with me' feeling is detrimental to your intimacy, your closeness.[/quote]
In this particular instance at this time, yes, that is exactly what I would advise, taking into account the stage of the relationship.
Very few people go into age gap relationships without a care in the world. For the older partner, if they care for the younger, this can manifest as questioning whether they're doing right by them, whether its fair to them etc. If the OPs partner is sensitive in this way, he may decide it would be better for the OP to be with someone younger.
I am of course projecting my own feelings onto this man, because these are the questions I asked myself, and still do at times. The thought of having to leave a partner 'too soon' and the distress that would cause is not a pleasant thought anyway, and I think many older partners would feel some trepidation if they knew the younger one was already preoccupied with it.
Its also a thought that is common in relationships regardless of partners age, and usually retreats with distraction.

Huckleberries73 · 01/12/2021 22:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

THEDEACON · 01/12/2021 22:07

Our age gap is 20years he may go before me he may not I'm 56 myDad died at 50 a lot of my schoolfriends have died or been widowed this year Don't spoil your current happiness worrying about what may happen in the future

AuntyMabelandPippin · 01/12/2021 22:07

I'm almost 59.

I'm expecting to live at least another 30 years. The likelihood is longer, as my parents were late eighties when they died. Just enjoy your time together.

pinkdaffodils90 · 01/12/2021 22:11

I’m 31 and my fiancé is 42, and I worry about this too and have done basically since we first met! Not that he’ll die imminently, but I worry about potentially being a young window in a few decades. But I just tell myself what everyone on here has already advised, that life is always uncertain and just take each day as as it comes! It’s wonderful that you’ve found a relationship that makes you so happy, just enjoy it :)

youdontnome · 01/12/2021 22:12

12 years between us. I'm the younger one. I have several chronic conditions which will most likely result in me dying before him. Nobody is guaranteed anything. You've just got to live your life to the full.

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