Can you help someone with low self-esteem?

[TheArgentineFanjo]

My DM is lovely but has a low opinion of herself. For example she has difficulty accepting presents or going to nice places. She didn’t have a supportive family and my DF wasn’t great either, not abusive but not supportive either (they are now divorced). I want her to realise how great she is and she deserves nice things but it can feel like I’m pushing her. So for example if I want to take her to a nice restaurant I’ll invite her and she’ll say no. Then if I ask again and say I’m going anyway does she want to come along and she’ll say yes. After she’ll say she really liked it and thanks for taking me etc and tell others she liked it. So I feel happy I asked again but I feel like I’m pressuring her? My DBro does similar too and tries to treat her and she often declines. I’ve suggested seeing a counsellor or therapist but she says she doesn’t want to. Am I being too much? I’m just sad she thinks she’s rubbish when no-one thinks that! I’d appreciate an outside opinion.

Bumping.

Have you tried talking to her about it?

Taking her nice places makes you feel good. She doesn’t feel good about going.

Why not ask her where she’d feel comfortable eating?

I don’t do ‘posh’ but I like local home cooked food - doesn’t need napkins or special wine!

I think you have different expectations.

Saysama I have tried a little but she doesn’t say much.

Bluebells I see what you’re saying but to be honest she is the same say if we’re out shopping and I say let’s grab a coffee say Costa/Starbucks/Greggs and she says no don’t buy me anything.

With respect...
It's not your job to fix her.
If she doesn't like to impose on you and your brother, then she may feel awful if she realises that you are trying to 'mother her'. She may feel like she failed to be a strong supportive parent.

You don't need to force her into accepting any 'truth' about herself. Cut that shit out, it can border on being judgemental, and that simply isn't your call.

If you really want to boost her esteem, remind her of ways that she has been a good mum/ made your childhood a good one.

The thing is though, you and your brother sound very caring. She clearly did a good job raising you, despite having some serious challenges. THAT requires strength, which I'm not sure you are appreciating.

Perhaps get rid of ideas of how you think she should be, and focus on how amazing she is as a mum

And if you want to treat her, perhaps think of what she would feel comfortable with. Perhaps bringing some 'extra' baking, or framing a picture of the two of you.

My grandmother values every £

She would also say ‘not to buy her anything’ it’s called pride! The older generation doesn’t want you to waste money on frivolous items that they could easily make at home.

Gran wouldn’t part with a penny she didn’t have too, but was generous in other ways.

Drop in coffee shops makes a fortune selling over priced hot drinks you can make for next to nothing at home - those £ add up and I bet she thinks you are being wasteful unnecessarily and would rather you saved than spend.

It’s not about not feeling good enough it more then attitude of spending

What did you say, exactly? ‘I love to treat you, what would you enjoy?’ Or another tack?

I only ask because phrasing is often very important with these sorts of things. If it’s presented as her doing something for you, I think it might go down rather better.

I agree with the other posts. Ypu value going somewhere nice to eat. She might not and see it as wasteful rather than an indulgence. Similalrly to paying for snacks in Greggs.

What would make her feel valued? That's what you need to find. She's speaking a different language to ypu. If ypu want to treat her, find out her language.

spotcheck that’s a really helpful post thank you.

Re the restaurants I maybe shouldn’t have used it as an example, but she is a foodie and often cooks amazing things for others and we reciprocate when we can but with DC it gets busy so can be easier to just go out. And she says she enjoys getting dressed up as my dad never took her anywhere nice and she likes to try new wines (I don’t drink). So she does enjoy the whole thing, I promise I’m not dragging her around places. Which is why I find it confusing that she always says no at first. We do lots of low key stuff too, just at home with the DC.

If it’s presented as her doing something for you, I think it might go down rather better.

This is a good idea thank you.

Good luck! She sounds like a lovely woman, so I hope it all works out.

Maybe it's just a habit but when you persist she is happy to go. Is she Irish by any chance as its common in lreland if someone asks you if you would like something to say not at all but can be persuaded if encouraged. We don't ike to put people out. Depending on her age it could be that generation too. As said already tell her what a good job she did with ye growing up ..maybe about her lovely Christmas cooking or whatever will boost her. My dd often says...l was telling my friends about you and l am surprised about what she likes to tell them and it's a great compliment to me.