Is this ok?

[pearson12]

I’m having a bit of hardship with my parents right now. I’m 21. I just wanted to ask this quick question as they put me down me a lot when we argue and think I am not capable because of some things I found hard in the past. They don’t seem to have any faith in me going forward.
We rowed the other day and I went to apologise for my part. Wanted to point out their part too. But parents are adamant that they did nothing wrong and it is “normal” to say such things in rows. They said things like I am a walking disaster who will struggle to make anything (jobs, friendships) last.

So, is it? Is it normal to make your children feel small because of rows and not take accountability? Am I just being over sensitive?

Thanks

No. It's called eroding your self esteem and making you feel worthless.

Absolutely not normal. I would never want to say such hurtful things to anyone, let alone my child.

No not normal. Your parents should be your no.1 fan.

No, it's called emotional abuse.

What things did you find hard in the past?. We’re these hard also because you were not and or did not feel supported by them?. How would you describe your childhood?

No you are not being over sensitive and it is not normal for parents to make their now adult child feel so small. I would also think your parents world view is very small and that they have no real friends.

It’s not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. Such types too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

It's exactly the opposite of good parenting, which is to big you up at every opportunity and give you the confidence to get out there and enjoy a good life. I would do my utmost to start to live independently as soon as you can

To be fair I had a nice childhood. I do believe they brought me up well.
I have just had anxiety in the past and had difficult times impacting my work and my last relationship. Mentally it all broke me but I’m really trying to pick myself up and I think I have been doing really well

I think you need a bit more context.

If DS was 21, unemployed and spent all day playing video games with no effort to look for a job, then I'd have some choice words for him. Even more so if he argued back with attitude when we discussed what his life plan was, as it couldn't be this.

If DS was 21, doing his best, but getting rejection after rejection, I'd be supporting him, and trying to boost his morale in every way I could.

I work full time in a well paid job and pay my way

Did you post about this a few months ago OP? You were thinking of moving away and the were telling you it's never work etc?

If so, they're definitely emotionally abusing yuu it and holding you back. You need to live your own life

I have not posted before but thank you for the advice x

Forget 'normal'.

If you cared about somebody, loved them, wanted them to feel ok, and they told you that it made them feel horrible when you did something completely normal, like, say, eating an ice lolly, wouldn't you try to minimise the amount of times you ate ice lollies in front of them, and perhaps try to have a careful conversation with them about why it bothered them so much?

Or would you just say 'Well, I've done nothing wrong. My behaviour's completely normal, so you're just going to have to deal with it'?

Normal doesn't come into love. Respect of all of your facets, even ones that might or might not be weird and wonderful, is what love is.

Your parents should be supporting you, not eroding you.

You say you had a good upbringing, and if that is the case, then there is hope that you can sit down with them (or better still one of them, the one you think will be most receptive) and explain your confusion at their lack of support. Tell them it's hurtful that they don't seem to have any faith in you.

If you can't engage with them positively then it may be better to make plans to get your own place, and create a bit of distance so they can't undermine you. It will also show them you're perfectly capable and they were wrong.

@pearson12

To be fair I had a nice childhood. I do believe they brought me up well. I have just had anxiety in the past and had difficult times impacting my work and my last relationship. Mentally it all broke me but I’m really trying to pick myself up and I think I have been doing really well

Could you get therapy? You are an adult now and you need to start cutting the ties with these people, work out if your childhood was quite as great as you think it was, and stop listening to people who say you are destined to fail. That is just mean. It is so mean. And no, it is not ok. Making someone feel small is called bullying and you shouldn't put up with it from anyone.