Online dating

[Idiotathome79]

I have had a profile on an old site , haven't really been on until recently and some chap
Messaged me , we seem to have loads in common , similar hobby taste , similar past experience , Same outlook on life .
Anyway I Don't have a profile pic on my old so he asked for one so I sent a selfie via what's app , we been chatting for a while and I decided to find him on Facebook book ( only out of curiosity ) and there was a pic of him with his ex wife ( someone had commented that they were sorry to hear they parted ways. And she's amazing to look at and super thin ,
So my problem is I am far from thin put on so much weight in lock down ( I was hospitalised during this period ) and I haven't really told him I am larger , I guess he can probably tell I ain't super skinny , he wants to meet and I of course do too , he seems kind and funny , but how do warn him about my size .

I feel strange about having to go "btw Ned I am a fatty " but I don't want to meet him and he be disappointed in me .

Loving your background research, OP. Can never be too careful.

Could you send him a more recent pic before you meet?

It’s the risk people on both sides of the equation take when they don’t have photos on their profile and contact people without photos on their profile. He’s probably willing to take the chance that he’ll be attracted to you without knowing much about what you look like beforehand. But if you’re worried, send him a recent photo which shows your full body / more than just your face.

(Yes, I’m sure lots of people will be along shortly to say that looks don’t matter to nice people and people shouldn’t be so shallow but there’s a difference between remaining attracted to your long term partner who you love even if their looks change, and attraction to a stranger.)

I am Nervous he was still Married , I mean I know the story's my ex tells about me so I am def precautious , I have children so I also need to be doubly protective , and I aspire to be miss marple 😛😂

The selfie was taken when he asked , I suppose I could get a full body shot 🤢😬 I just hate having my photo taken !!

@ComtesseDeSpair I agree , I think I am more attracted to personality and mannerisms then looks , but I don't want him to start liking me only to realise I ain't visually his cup of tea .
I guess I just need to grow a pair of balls and take that photo 😬😂

Have you spoken to him verbally or only messaging?
If you actually speak to him I’d bring it up that you’re feeling a little insecure, if he’s a nice guy he’ll reassure you - if not, then he’s not a nice guy and not worth the head space!

@Arabelladrinkstea yes we had a couple of phone calls , I tried to put off meeting til after Xmas , ( the fat reason but I am also busy with work I am an auxiliary nurse ) ,Not that I could shed the weight by then .
He was alright about it , but I could tell
In his voice there was disappointment .

Usually OLD can be very superficial but if this guy is willing to strike up a conversation with someone that doesn't even have a profile photo then I'm assuming that looks aren't that important to him

However, I'm always a bit suspicious of people who start messaging a profile with no pic. Why would you? Not that I'm looks-obsessed but surely no picture is a red flag?!

A bit strange that you got to the stage of swapping phone numbers before he seen a pic.

Maybe I'm too cynical and this guy genuinely doesn't care what people look like. However, if he does but yet is willing to chat to a stranger without as much as a pic he can't be too surprised if he does get catfished (and I'm not necessarily meaning by you)!

I find it even weirder that he has put up a pic with his ex on fb? I assume he posted this after the split of people are commenting about their split? Otherwise a friend has gone back and commented on an old photo saying "sorry to hear you're not together anymore"???

Either way it's sounds a bit bizarre

Personally I tell potential dates that I am on the fatter side and send them a full length body shot and don’t use a filter on any photos. Don’t want to waste my time or theirs, I also expect the same - an accurate description and photos, I have still met men that lie (about age and height mainly). If someone doesn’t want a someone larger I am fine with that, I don’t like fat men so I don’t go for them.

Another idea OP if you want to be more subtle than sending him a full length photo or telling him you're feeling insecure - you could change your WhatsApp profile pic to a full length photo of you. Assuming that's how you to most of you're chatting, he'll notice it pretty fast and there will be no need for an awkward conversation

@itlod he asked me why I hadn't got a pic
And I was honest and told him it was because a bad experience when my ex found a profile I have and struck up a conversation ( which is a true story )

We had to swap Numbers so I could send him a pic the old site won't allow you to post a pic in the inbox ( I tried )

The Facebook looked like a picture of a child's party tht he was tagged in I could be wrong though .

I am a little suspicious as he seems to have the worst luck ever and potentially the worst ex wife

@itlod this is an excellent idea then if he stops chatting after at least I know .

@MissPC on my Profile it says build and I put bigger than average ( I think it was )

@Idiotathome79 I'm sure you're being hard on yourself and he'll love your picture but at least it's a way to test the water without making it obvious!

[quote Idiotathome79]@itlod he asked me why I hadn't got a pic
And I was honest and told him it was because a bad experience when my ex found a profile I have and struck up a conversation ( which is a true story )

We had to swap Numbers so I could send him a pic the old site won't allow you to post a pic in the inbox ( I tried )

The Facebook looked like a picture of a child's party tht he was tagged in I could be wrong though .

I am a little suspicious as he seems to have the worst luck ever and potentially the worst ex wife [/quote]
That makes sense but sounds like you're on the ball anyway and not about to be fooled! Good luck

Keep that suspicion - men who slate their ex wives to a stranger on the internet are not good prospects ime. So if that’s what he is doing I would throw him back.
Regarding the photo I would do as pp suggested and put one on WhatsApp

I was messaging a guy on OLD, in his OLD profile picture he was well built, we moved to WhatsApp where his picture was probably another stone or 2 heavier, and then the day before we were due to meet he sent me a photo under the pretence of showing me his garden and he was a lot heavier. A lot. I didn't meet him because he was too big and wasn't attracted to him, and I wouldn't have swiped yes if that had been his original photo.

Send a photo, he'll either still meet or he won't.

@MayEye thank you I will bare that in mind . I think I am going to step back for a bit and have a think through things .

Thanks everyone

I wiuld change the WhatsApp pic as pp suggested. But op the ex wives are very rarely the crazy psycho bitches they are said to be ,I would chuck this one back on the ex comments alone .

Don't put off meeting him! He could mistake this as you not being interested

Just take the photo! It makes meeting up a LOT easier if you've been honest beforehand. He probably already has an idea from the selfie anyway! X

I'll be really blunt. It will either matter hugely to him or not at all.

Eg. I find bald men really unattractive. I can't explain why. Just do. If I was talking to a guy, and his pics were ten years old, with a full head of hair, and he turned up bald, having shown a completely different representation of himself, I'd be pissed off.

Some people wouldn't though. If he turned up looking fatter, I wouldn't care, because I find all body shapes attractive. My turn off is baldness.

I guess it all depends what his "turn off" is. Maybe you can be as thin or as fat as you like, but he'd not like it if your hair was a different colour.

You need to show the real you beforehand. Because if it's not for him (or he, you) then don't waste time finding this out because you're seeing each other the first time when it's an actual date.

In OLD, it's not like a 20yr old marriage where you've both got a bit portly or wrongly, this is where it's all about initial attraction to a stranger, looks matter.