My partner has a short fuse and always shouting!

[Caiomhe93]

So this is really complicated. Me and my partner have been together for 10 years, we have had 3 children together. When we had our children we were both young and everything was fine and dandy. Over the years as my children have got older their dads patience is thinner and thinner. There has been a lot of traumatic times in our lives and more recently the loss of one of our children. Although this has been very hard on us and we are heartbroken, this behaviour which I can’t stand has been going on long before my child whom died was ever born. We have had lots of discussions about his aggression and always shouting, he will lose his temper so easily. He promises to change but never has. I grew up in a house with a lot of shouting and I know how it feels to be that child, I therefore don’t treat my kids like that and want better for them. I can honestly say I am a very open and understanding parent and I do take the gentle parenting approach and always talk to my children about everything and listen to their feeling and support them. Today the minute we were up he started shouting at my son for not eating his cereal my son is (8). He is a very slow eater in general and not got a big appetite. Within a minute of shouting at him he kept coming back in the living room and saying look ure not eating, he then gets obsessed with watching him. Some times he does have a point that my son can be very fussy although regardless I don’t get why it can’t be communicated in a normal way as the shouting never makes him eat. I call him out anytime he shouts at the kids and then it causes huge problems between me and him. Another example of behaviour like this was a few weeks ago my daughter (7) came out of bed it was only about 9 o’clock (her sibling has just past away few months ago) and the minute she opened the living room door her dad shouted at her to get back to bed. She was really upset and I had to go comfort her, am always left to pick up the pieces. In other ways he can be a good day but some times i do feel he’s not set out to be a parent. I do love him but im scared that if I continue our relationship the effects that then will have on my children if he can’t control his short fuse. This has been such a strain for a lot of years now, I can’t stand shouting. My partner has attended a few sessions of counselling a few months ago. However can’t afford to keep going. He was on anti depressants before but came off them as he said he felt very numb on them but his behaviour hasn’t got better or worse with or without them. I’m so sick of this and at my wits ends. I don’t want my kids to feel how I have felt.

I am so very sorry to read about your child who died. I sincerely hope you and your children are getting support as and when it is needed.

What is there to love about such a man now?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Re your comment:-
"I don’t want my kids to feel how I have felt".

I am sorry but they already know. They are acutely aware of this abusive treatment of you, and in turn them and indeed this man has shouted at the two of them on more than one occasion. You cannot even begin to protect them from his verbal violence whilst you are all under the same roof. Also your being constantly preoccupied about him and otherwise walking on eggshells aka living in fear makes you less emotionally available to your kids. You yourself grew up in a shouty household and now that same damaging lesson is being imparted to your children. They will grow up not being able to stand any shouting or conflict either.

Counselling and anti depressants have not worked here because a) this is hardwired within him and b) he is not really depressed in the ways you perhaps think he is. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. All that he does towards you and these children are hallmarks of abusive behaviour.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Teach them properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is none. Doing that means you and this individual now separating. There is really no other option going forward for you and your kids. Stop discussing and start planning your exit.

If you are in the UK Womens Aid can and will help you here and I would urge you to contact them.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I had a shouty, angry father and it was awful. I was scared of him and never, ever wanted to spend time with him, even as an adult (he's dead now).

I would give him an ultimatum, sort his anger and shouting out or you leave. It doesn't get better.

Yes it sounds like a really horrible atmosphere for your children to grow up in .

I would give him an ultimatum - sort out your temper or we will split up.

I cannot fathom a man who has admitted he has this problem, he knows he is harming his kids and yet he continues. Awful behaviour.

He may not be able to afford the counselling but he could certainly do some reading about his issue and at the end of the day, if he feels like shouting - walk out the room, go for a walk, whatever helps. That's free!

It's his lack of trying to change that would kill it for me.

I am so sorry to hear that you have lost a child.

Your partner sounds like he is over-reactive to certain situations and lacks affect regulation. If he can't continue counselling for financial reasons, there are many resources online about affect regulation (such as using box breathing in stressful situations, taking regular time outs away from the family, as pp suggested going for a walk) and if he is motivated to change his behaviour, he will access them.

All the best to you @Caiomhe93, you sound like a wonderful mother.

So sorry for your loss , and that you are having to live with this stuff happening while you're greiving.

My dad has a bad temper @Caiomhe93 , so I have very little tolerance for it in a man and dread to think what it'd be like to see a partner do that to a child.

I think you know what you need to do to protect your mental health and that of your little ones.

Recently I went no contact with my father and it was the right decision.

Your partner sounds like he is over-reactive to certain situations and lacks affect regulation.

Sounds more like he's abusive to me.

He is a abusive to his children.

He is abusive and you need to leave. He is abusing your children. If you grew up in a shouty house (as did I) it’s not easy to see it as abusive because it’s normalised to an extent. But posting here shows how bad it is and you know it’s bad. He has to go.

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your child. 💐💐

I'm so very sorry for your awful loss.

And I'm sorry that you're living with a shouty, aggressive man, and your children are also having to live with it.

You really need to separate from him. He isn't going to change. He may get worse. It's no way to live.

Hi @Caiomhe93 , how're you feeling?

You really need gentleness and care after such a loss. I think it’s unforgivable that he hasn’t given you that, or supported you properly. I think you should leave and find some calm for you and the kids to heal x

I'm so so sorry for your loss, OP

I had a Mum who had very shouty manifestation of depression. I don't blame her. She had had a terrible life. But spending my early life walking on eggshells has definitely marked me as an adult. I cannot cope with raised voices or confrontation of any kind, I find it very hard to make my needs known to others and I'm rubbish at enforcing boundaries because I struggle to put my foot down.

Make no mistake, your partner's behaviour is impacting on your kids. If he can't/won't face up to his behaviour and make changes, you need to take action to protect them. They are looking to you for an appropriate role model right now.

Are you prepared to leave him if he doesnt change? Given that this has been going on for years hes probably not going to. So sorry about your dc. Have the kids had any help? Could Winstons Wish be something for them?

OP I agree with what you said about some people are not cut out to be parents and they just don't have the ability to control their own emotions and be firm but loving and caring. Of course having a temper, shouting and being too strict is common, but also some parents are too passive and unable to control their children's behaviour at all or may be neglectful. I think these people do love their children in their way but they just aren't capable of the change needed to be a decent parent. Honestly he may cope better with life if you split and he does not have this responsibility full time. Maybe he can be a good dad in a limited way if he sees them EOW for fun outings. Not really fair on you to have to do everything but better all round.

It’s time to ask for a separation and either ask him to move out or you move out. It’s too damaging to the children. The man sounds like he has no patience and is making everyone miserable. He won’t change.

Hello @Caiomhe93, I am so sorry about the loss of your child, that must be very hard to bear .

I have a very similar problem with my DH, and I recently insisted on a trial separation; he was not happy and there was a lot more shouting, followed by him crying and begging to stay.

Eventually I managed to get him to leave - with support from a lot of the women on here - and although it's very hard to see DS sad because his dad's not here, most of the time he is a lot calmer and happier, and so am I.

I had asked DH repeatedly over the years to get help with his temper and moods, but although he tried once, briefly (and the counselling did help), the problem was not solved and came back...and this last time I had had enough.

I also grew up in a very volatile family so I know I'm super-sensitive to shouting, anger and aggression, and it has taken me a while - and I still struggle with it - to see this for the abuse it is. I cannot let DS grow up thinking that kind of behaviour is normal, he had already started to emulate it and I hope I am not too late to undo that.

It is such a difficult situation to be in when you have DC to think of, but use YOUR anger to either get him out or take you and your little ones out of there; you deserve so much better than this.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your children have gone through so much already losing their sibling and then having their father bullying them on top of that will be emotionally battering for them.
I would be telling him you and the kids need a peaceful home and he is not providing that so therefore needs to leave.
It really doesn't sound like he can change if he has always had a short fuse.

I love my Dad very much and he is a great Father in many many ways but he is very shouty and boomy and he was when I was a child as well. I hate to admit it but I think I'd be a much more rounded adult had we not lived under the same roof. I now shout myself when I lose my extremely short temper and I suffer with extreme misophonia. I absolutely cannot stand noise and have no tolerance for it at all. It physically hurts me. This may or may not be related to my childhood, but I'd never advise anyone to raise children in a house with someone who has such a high volume.

You poor woman, I am so sorry for your loss.

Your poor children are grieving and dealing with a volatile abusive father.

They are dealing with so much.

Please don't allow this to be their life.

They must be so upset and loosing a sibling, but having such a nasty father is too much.

OP, those children are very badly damaged by all they have suffered.

They have had enough pain.

Get them away or get him out.

@Peach2021 I hope you are doing ok