Can you live in the same house when separated

[monotonousmum]

I'm unhappy. It's not all my husband, and I desperately do wish that we could work it out. But if I think of my life in 10 years and its still the same as now then I'll be utterly miserable and will have wasted my life.
We have two young DC. A house we both love (but needs work) and neither of us are in a position to move out independently, and I wouldn't leave the kids anyway.

I found myself daydreaming the other day about how we could separate. I think I could legitimately move into another bedroom (was supposed to be for the youngest but we'd like the kids to share for a while anyway and she's still sleeping with us most nights). My life would be immeasurably better by having my own space (which I could keep tidy and not have clothes, sweet wrappers, cups etc all over it), not cooking two dinners each night (I'll just cook for me and the kids, he can sort himself out when he gets in), washing for one less person. We could even alternate weekends, he doesn't drive so no chance of him taking the kids anywhere but I could take them away/go away myself.

I know it's madness. I know it would still be unbearable as he likely wouldn't be nice about it and still wouldn't clean up after himself in common areas. But could it be worse than I'm feeling now.

The weight of responsibility is heavy. We do not have an equal marriage but I'm made to feel awful if I mention it, and like I should be grateful for the things he does do. The kids stuff falls to me - all the organisation, remembering dates, arranging childcare etc. Anything that requires driving is me. Anything to be arranged for the house, me. You get the picture.

I don't expect a spotless house, but the level of mess and the lack of support is awful. I'm ashamed to admit that the house rarely gets 'cleaned' as all the effort is taken in tidying, looking after kids, working etc. I shouldn't have to take a day off work to get the house tidy enough that it's not wrecking my mental health.

In my head I've given it until Christmas, because the upheaval before then is just too much. But I'd really love to be in the spare room already, and that is breaking my heart for myself, him and the kids.

I don't know how to communicate this to him. I've tried before and I'm the bad guy, although he does up his game for a few weeks. I've suggested counselling but he's offended at the suggestion.

I've always thought this would devastate him, but recently he doesn't seem happy either and has been snappy with me.

Not sure what I'm looking for here...just someone to tell me it'll be OK I suppose. Or in an ideal world, someone to tell me it's possible for our marriage to survive and both be happy.

So basically you want to have your cake and eat it?

To not be married or in an ongoing meaningful relationship with your DH, but to keep the nice bits like the house and the kids fulltime.

Do you want to model to your DC that is what a marriage or partnership is?

Your marriage is over so do the decent thing and move on properly. Yes, it's not easy and will involve a level of upheaval, but it's the honest thing to do (IMO). Don't bring your kids up thinking that it's normal for married parents to live separate lives.

Work out a way to separate properly. It will mean some sacrifices and probably needing to sell the house.
But it will be better in the long run.

You're going to be living in the spare room and him in your current room. What happens when the children do need their own rooms? What happens when one of you meets someone else?
He's still going to be sharing your kitchen and living space and making a mess etc.

End it. Start thinking of ways to make the finances work so you can properly go your separate ways.

Hi OP, yes it is possible, if you are amicable. It is not ideal but it can be done. I did it for a year, but the breakdown of my marriage was as gentle as could be. It does make a difference to your MH, although have to admit that as soon as I could get out (thanks Covid) I was gone.

No! And no matter how 'amicable' parents claim they're being, the children 100% pick up on tension and suffer. Children are clever and it will be apparent to them that their parents don't like each other.

If you're truly unhappy in this marriage, cut your losses, move out, put the children first, be amicable but in different houses. The children will be happy and well adjusted if they have happy parents.

Think very hard. How will you feel about your dh being 'single' and going out or dating.
I have done a house share. There was a divorce ongoing and an end date in sight. It was still grim. Money got brought up time and time again. Ex got spiteful and would just walk out of the house leaving me with 3 dc. He was trying to scupper my plans. It all got hostile very quickly. Splitting chores and beds is the easy bit.

Yes, @YABVV, long term but my understanding of the OP was that she is going to get things moving after Christmas but would like to move the separation on before then?
Happy to be corrected if that is not the case.

@MarmiteChocolate

So basically you want to have your cake and eat it?

To not be married or in an ongoing meaningful relationship with your DH, but to keep the nice bits like the house and the kids fulltime.

Do you want to model to your DC that is what a marriage or partnership is?

Your marriage is over so do the decent thing and move on properly. Yes, it's not easy and will involve a level of upheaval, but it's the honest thing to do (IMO). Don't bring your kids up thinking that it's normal for married parents to live separate lives.

Actually, I'd like to have a happy marriage. And failing that I'd like him to move out, have the kids every other weekend plus more if he can manage it. I'd even settle for selling the house - but logistically I'm struggling to see how these things are possible.

@SilverSilos

Yes, *@YABVV*, long term but my understanding of the OP was that she is going to get things moving after Christmas but would like to move the separation on before then? Happy to be corrected if that is not the case.

Yes, this would never be a long term solution. I'm not crazy. But the first step. A break from my current reality.

From my DH's experience no. Him and his wife did this for about 6 or 8 months while they tried to sell and buy 2 new houses. He says the relief when they finally split and moved into their own houses was indescribable. It was too soon for either of them to be moving on but it put everything into a weird not anything kind of mode which he hated. And they get on well, co parent well and are very amicably divorced.

God knows what it would be like if there was a tension.

So there's one experience for you.

The only couples I've known who've lived with each other after separating have done so out of necessity and every last one of them said it was hellish.

You could move into the spare bedroom without actually separating. Sounds like you crave the space above all else and having that physical space could give you the mental space to work on the marriage? I realise this wouldn't just be your responsibility.

@gannett

The only couples I've known who've lived with each other after separating have done so out of necessity and every last one of them said it was hellish.

You could move into the spare bedroom without actually separating. Sounds like you crave the space above all else and having that physical space could give you the mental space to work on the marriage? I realise this wouldn't just be your responsibility.

That's actually a really good idea. Maybe I'm just looking for a way for him to realise I'm serious, and if there's not changes then it's going to end. I mean, that could backfire and he could be much happier once I move into the spare room and stop cooking and cleaning up for him. But at least in the meantime I'd have some space, without either of us having to leave - I would miss him, and the kids would too.

SilverSilos - yes, sorry I misunderstood. Was voicing my reality and didnt read the OP's scenario properly.

So, the answer is yes... of course until Christmas and then get out.

All the best to you.... you know where you are right now. I take my hat off to you for planning to get yourself to a better place.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in moving into the spare room as your space. You’re still co-sleeping it seems, so extra space all round. I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong with your plan of stopping cooking and doing laundry for him either - in fact it’s often advised on MN when the lazy partner doesn’t pull their weight.

In principle there’s nothing wrong with saying “this weekend I’m taking the DC away, and next weekend it’s your turn to be in charge because I’m going to stay at my mum’s/visit a friend/whatever,

As you say - you want to stay married and be happy as a family. But you’re miserable enough to need drastic change. It may lead to separation or it may lead to reconciliation. But you need him to know you’re serious enough to want space and take that for yourself.

I don't know how to communicate this to him. I've tried before and I'm the bad guy, although he does up his game for a few weeks. I've suggested counselling but he's offended at the suggestion.

I think you should definitely go to counselling. Go for you, he can come if he wants to.

Ultimately he can choose to be offended or choose to listen and work on your marriage.