Break up.. what to do next?

[Hophop987]

I've been seeing this guy for a year. Once I went to his wardrobe to get a hanger and found a bag of condoms. Being cheated in the past, I counted them just in case... Last weekend he was out with his friends and I was staying in his house, so curiosity (or the gut feeling) got the best of me and I checked the bag and to my surprise 2 condoms were missing. I decided to wait for him to get home so we can talk. Unfortunately he got back quite drunk and I also had couple glasses of wine so instead of waiting for the next day I blurted all my findings. His response was pretty shocking... for condoms he said he has no idea what I'm talking about but immediately took the position of we must end relationship now, he is leaving the country, he does not want to meet my children ever, he is not a family person etc etc etc. Eventually he told me to leave his house, which I did. I tried talking to him next morning but he didn't want to and just told me to leave again. We have not spoken since... what do I do next? Do I just leave it? Do I try to have a conversation again since it has been few days and hopefully we can have a calm conversation? Relationship has been amazing up until now, no arguments and very loving. I'm just confused... confused about condoms (don't see any other explanation than cheating since we don't use them), confused about his immediate reaction and his ignorance since. Obviously I'm very hurt for his reaction and non communication but I kind of want closure and the truth...

Imagine prowling round somebodys house counting condoms. He has had a lucky escape from you even if he has cheated. Maybe his friends asked him if he had any spare. Maybe his cleaner pinched a couple.

Maybe your stocktaking skills could be used somewhere else

Maybe he doesn't want to be with someone who snoops and polices condoms. Maybe that's because he wants privacy, maybe that's because he's a twat who is shagging other women. Either way, his response makes it clear that he's not interested so it's time to move on.

I guess I went into a new relationship way too soon after my last one and unfortunately trust issues got the better of me :(

No this is not just your fault OP, don’t think this is all because you asked him about missing condoms.

I think his reaction screams guilt, but that aside he has been very quick to end the relationship without any conversation. The things about your kids and moving are concerning - did he mention any of this prior?

Do you want a relationship with someone who’s so quick to end it? Why was he so defensive? He was either looking for a way out, or he’s a cheat who has been caught. Either way you’re better off without him.

Whether he's done anything wrong or not, this episode has highlighted a dealbreaker anyway: the two of you can't talk sensibly through an obstacle/disagreement/misunderstanding. And another dealbreaker: you don't trust him.

Move on, and make sure that, before you get involved with somebody else, you are recovered enough not to suspect them of cheating just because somebody in your past did.

Two points here: a relationship is over when there is so little trust that one of the partners starts counting condoms and checking to see whether any have been used on a subsequent occasion. Also I can see why he would be mighty pissed off about that - I would too, I'd be furious if some bloke I was seeing had gone through my drawers like that.

And secondly, his reaction would suggest guilt here. Why is he suddenly saying he's wanting to leave the country etcetc? It's all a bit odd. Why not just say that he was ending things because he felt that you did not trust him etc? It sounds like he's deflecting from the missing condoms issue by creating these grand reasons to end the relationship - leaving, doesn't want to meet children etc.

Just let him go. You can do way better than that.

I think the opposite to the other posters, I think the reason he went nuclear (he's going to leave the country and never see you again!) is because you caught him red handed, and he knew there was no getting out of it. He doesn't use condoms with you and within a short space of time 2 had gone from his private stash in his wardrobe. It's obvious he used them with someone else and I don't think you were wrong or weird to check. He was your boyfriend!

The only thing I think is odd is that you're trying to get hold of him to talk. What is there to talk about? He's used 2 condoms with someone else and has told you he never wants to see you again (because you've blown his cover and he doesn't like being revealed as the bad guy). There is nothing to talk about, delete, block and move on.

He might have used them on his own, @JovialNickname (that sometimes happens) It does happen.

Checking someone's possessions isn't ok. Being in a relationship with them doesn't change that. The healthy thing to do if you realise you want to check is to talk to them, and if you can't do that, the relationship's a bit screwed anyway.