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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thoughts please?

25 replies

Maryland12 · 01/12/2021 10:55

Very upset this morning.....

I was proposed to years ago but marriage never happened. A lot has passed since then, 2 children, different career paths, moving to a different part of the country, growing as an individual etc......I've since realised I'm fine as I am, there's no desire in me to get married anymore. Although I'm fairly unhappy in the relationship, its not that bad to make the jump. He's been bugging me a lot lately though, saying he really wants to get married. Hes now told me if I don't marry him before his elderly father passes away, he will never forgive me.

I feel very sad that he's said this 😞

OP posts:

IknowwhatIneed · 01/12/2021 10:57

What’s his drive to get married now? How are your living circumstances, housing, finances? What’s stopped you getting married up until now?

I’d not be pressured into marriage unless you were absolutely sure it’s what you want and he’s a dick for using his elderly father as leverage.

Original poster

Maryland12 · 01/12/2021 11:01

Financially secure, mortgage paid off etc. No concerns there.

I think he can sense I'm growing apart from him. We have had more arguments than usual lately, and now he's talking marriage again

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 01/12/2021 13:04

What's his father got to do with your desire to get married? Why is he conflating the two?

And why does he want to marry somebody who said yes because otherwise he'd never forgive them? Is he usually respectful of your feelings, your decisions? Is he supportive of you?

itlod · 01/12/2021 13:11

If you're in a fairly unhappy relationship you need to be honest about your feelings and leave him, not pussy foot around his "demands" to far married

Original poster

Maryland12 · 01/12/2021 13:13

@thefoundations His mother passed away a couple of years ago and he's said he doesn't want neither of his parents to not see him get married.

He knows Im not keen to get married anymore, and now he's coming out with this.

Generally, he's not overally supportive and he's very stubborn. He's always right and I'm always wrong. Lately I feel anxious around him

OP posts:

DeadoftheMoon · 01/12/2021 13:13

Is his father his only relative?
Is he wanting to make you his 'legal' family, so he has someone?
Is there financial advantage to him in his being married to you?

DeadoftheMoon · 01/12/2021 13:14

Oh, I think you should get away, just in case you wondered. If you're anxious and not happy, why stay?

colouringindoors · 01/12/2021 13:15

I'm fairly unhappy in the relationship

he's not overally supportive and he's very stubborn. He's always right and I'm always wrong. Lately I feel anxious around him

and

I'm fine as I am

Don't marry him.

TheFoundations · 01/12/2021 13:31

Are you thinking of leaving him, @Maryland12?

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 13:41

You either marry him or end the relationship because if you don't marry soon the relationship sounds like it's dead anyway.

Original poster

Maryland12 · 01/12/2021 13:42

@thefoundations Yes, i've had thoughts of leaving, as I feel very unfulfilled. I feel the relationship has very slowly deteriorated

@deadofthemoon yes, he has no siblings. A very small family, and it's just his father alive at the moment. The only advantage to him is I have a very good pension built up....I'm not sure what would happen to this if we married and split. Does he get 50% of the pot just for the time we were married?

OP posts:

Lordamighty · 01/12/2021 13:52

Everything about your post suggests that you don’t want to get married. You also say that you are fairly unhappy, so why would you consider marrying the person who makes you unhappy?
I think you would quickly regret it if you did marry him.

pog100 · 01/12/2021 13:54

You need to see a solicitor before you make a decision either way. It's my understanding that although marital assets accrued during a marriage are usually split evenly, years cohabiting as a couple before the marriage can also count. You need to seek legal advice, since marriage is basically a legal contract. The stuff about his father is ridiculous and spurious, do not take it into account.

Original poster

Maryland12 · 01/12/2021 13:57

@lordamighty I think part of my problem is I'm a definite people pleaser. The more I've read about it, the more I realise it's not a good trait. I never put myself first, in anything, always trying to be the rock and make sure everyone else is happy.

He generally will make all the big decisions and I just go along with it

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 01/12/2021 14:14

It doesn't sound like you should stay in the relationship, OP. He's being coercive, that's really not healthy, and there's no wonder you're getting anxious; it's the natural response to having your boundaries pushed in this way.

It's not going to get better. Why do you think it's not that bad that you'd make the jump? How bad would it need to get? You're upset, anxious, and pressured. Isn't that enough?

corblimeygov · 01/12/2021 14:32

Friends of mine had a 'wedding' in the summer with a gran as the very special guest. She passed about a week later. The wedding was more of a party and was purely for the benefit of the gran. It wasn't legal. Vows were exchanged infont of a friend who took on the role of registrar but wasn't one. The groom is actually not divorced yet. It was done out of love and respect for the gran. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about it but I can see it was done with best intentions. Would something like this placate your partner ?

dane8 · 01/12/2021 14:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Maryland12 · 01/12/2021 14:55

@thefoundations I guess I'm telling myself it's not that bad but my head is conflicting with my gut constantly, almost in turmoil.

I think I'm just scared to actually end it incase I regret it. I've never been through a break up before and I almost fear the unknown

OP posts:

Original poster

Maryland12 · 01/12/2021 14:57

@corblimeygov sounds nice idea, but it would feel a bit rehearsed. And even then, I would still need to feel happy or there would be no point

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 01/12/2021 14:58

You can't possibly marry him when you're so unhappy together. He isn't even wanting to marry you because he loves you so much; he wants to marry you so that his dad gets to go to a wedding.

Keep hold of that pension fund. You will be so grateful for that when you're older.

Original poster

Maryland12 · 01/12/2021 15:05

@HollowTalk I accepted the proposal, and did for many years say I wanted to get married.

Now I feel guilty for almost ruining his dreams.

Sorry, feeling a bit down 😞

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 01/12/2021 18:01

You haven't ruined his dreams! This is something he's just thought up. If marriage was so important to him he would've refused to have children with you or buy a house etc unless you were married. He can feel you withdrawing and a wedding is his weapon. He's dragged his dad into it as extra ballast - I'm sure his mum would've enjoyed a wedding more but he wasn't that bothered then, was he?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 01/12/2021 18:06

Maybe the wording wasn't right but I get what he means. Me and my DH got engaged 10 years ago after being together 9 years and married in September. My dad always wanted us to get married but he passed away not long after we set the date. We never got round to it before due to moving towns twice having DD etc. If you don't want to get married now then fair enough but you have to be honest.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 01/12/2021 18:09

Oh and the difference is obviously we are very happy together and it was a contributor to us setting the date. Definitely don't get married if you're not happy and I don't think it would be fair on either of you. It sounds like you need to end the relationship. I feel a bit sorry for your DP as well as you.

Skeumorph · 01/12/2021 18:28

DON’T MARRY HIM.

He wants to secure that right to your pension.

Wasn’t so bothered about you when YOU wanted to get married, was he?

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