Hate my husband and want to leave

[Cheeseandchutney]

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married 7.5, we have one DS aged almost 6. We both work full time.

I'm so exhausted from carrying the mental load, him being lazy or thinking he does more than me because he works long shifts (3 days a week with 4 days off), all the household admin, child and school admin, Christmas, birthdays, organising cupboard and drawers that are in a state knowing it won't stay tidy for long. All the jobs basically. He does no DIY despite me repeatedly asking. There are things that have been broken for many years.
We haven't had sex for two years (and I wouldn't want to) and I don't think I love him any more since becoming a mother and taking on all the above roles and therefore totally resenting him.

He plods along, moans about his job but won't do anything about it and nothing has changed for him since becoming a father. I've given up a job I love and changed careers to fit around our son despite hating the new job I had. I'm just about to start a full time career in the civil service now that our son is a bit older which I'm excited about and have worked hard to get but how will I manage all of this on top of a 37 hour week? I currently work 20 hours a week in school term time only.

I daydream about having my own (tidy) place and him spending time with our son every other weekend giving me a well deserved break. I currently don't have time for self care and my mental health is really suffering right now.

Just leave him I hear you say....but the guilt of splitting up our family and the thought of my wonderful son being upset or damaged is just heartbreaking. The thought of sharing birthdays and Christmases. Missing him when he's not with me, etc etc. We're so close, he's my absolute world and I'd love more than anything a happy family unit.

There's also the financial aspect. We have a good loan to value on our mortgage (we own about half our house) but we couldn't afford to buy a separate property each meaning we'd need to rent meaning we'd spend even more money.

Questions:

1. Anyone been in this situation and managed to turn things round for the better? How?

1. What am I entitled to if we split? Would I get to keep the house? Would we have to sell? (He would only be able to have DS stay with him 30-40% of the time)

1. What about my DS's feelings? How do I even start with this without damaging him?

Please help, I feel drained tonight x

Cant really offer advice op but hopefully someone will soon. Sounds tough though. My question would be, can you see your marriage changing? If not I'd if say life's too short and kids adapt

I'm feeling in a very similar boat at the moment. Lack of help lack of enthusiasm lack of sex and he's really wound me up with his childlike behaviour recently. However my small child loves him and his life with us

@Jesskir89

Cant really offer advice op but hopefully someone will soon. Sounds tough though. My question would be, can you see your marriage changing? If not I'd if say life's too short and kids adapt

Don't think so. Things have been crap for a long time but we don't talk to each other. Last time we had a huge row about it maybe six months ago I asked him if he thought our roles in the family were 50/50 and he admitted that I do most things. Nothings changed since. Thanks for your reply x

@amiafreakofnature

I'm feeling in a very similar boat at the moment. Lack of help lack of enthusiasm lack of sex and he's really wound me up with his childlike behaviour recently. However my small child loves him and his life with us

Sorry to hear this and thanks for your reply. I'm only still here for my son who adores his Dad (and he is a great Dad) otherwise I would have left long ago. Hope you are ok, feel free to pm anytime x

I stayed in a horrible marriage for 25 years for the following reasons:
Fear - could I manage being a single mum
Fear - how would I cope
How would DC cope.
What would my family think
How the hell would I even begin to leave.

So I waited until the youngest left for uni. She is totally fucked up knowing I wanted out, didn’t love her dad, waiting for something to happen . I wish for both our sakes I’d left when she was small and not had to grow up with a mother who disliked her father and who was depressed and irritable. She has said she wishes we would have split up years before we did and that she was aware I didn’t love her dad.

The guilt of staying for as long as I did is worse than the guilt I’d have had if I’d left I think. DD would have grown up in a calm, organised home without a total shit father as a male role model and a sad, depressed, angry mother. She has gone on to marry someone similar to her father and I see the whole mess playing out again. It’s heartbreaking.

You don’t love this man any more by the sounds of it and you deserve a life where you aren’t feeling resentful and unwell mentally. My depression lifted once I’d left. Please don’t stay for the sake of your DS. He will adapt and if you are happier it will benefit him now and in the future.

Every year in winter, I get chilblains. Itch, throbbing toes, drives me mad! Tried various ways to ease the discomfort to no avail. Anyone got any good remedies?

“So I waited until the youngest left for uni. She is totally fucked up knowing I wanted out, didn’t love her dad, waiting for something to happen . I wish for both our sakes I’d left when she was small and not had to grow up with a mother who disliked her father and who was depressed and irritable. She has said she wishes we would have split up years before we did and that she was aware I didn’t love her dad.

The guilt of staying for as long as I did is worse than the guilt I’d have had if I’d left I think. DD would have grown up in a calm, organised home without a total shit father as a male role model and a sad, depressed, angry mother. She has gone on to marry someone similar to her father and I see the whole mess playing out again. It’s heartbreaking.”

Please pay attention to this, OP. Remember that your child is learning relationships from you and your H. Pay very careful attention to what you’re modelling. Don’t use your son as an excuse to stay. Plenty of parents divorce and after some initial upset the children are fine. Children do far better with parents who are apart but happy than with parents who are together but miserable.

I really feel for you OP, this sounds tough. I know you’ve said you don’t really talk much, do you think he has any idea how you feel? Is there a chance that the shock of you wanting to leave could improve things?

It does sound though like you just want to leave, which is totally understandable. It’s admirable that you are so worried about the impact on your son, but the most important thing for him is a happy and loving parent, so don’t be afraid to make decisions that are right for you.

I have no advice about the finance or legalities, but I’d suggest getting some professional advice before moving forward. Gather all the facts you can, then you can make plans.

Sending you big hugs, you sound like a lovely mum and I hope you find happiness.

@Maxifly

Every year in winter, I get chilblains. Itch, throbbing toes, drives me mad! Tried various ways to ease the discomfort to no avail. Anyone got any good remedies?

You need to start your own post.

OP, I left. I got a full time job and a mortgage and had a deposit from sale of the house. It can be done.

I still do everything, that hasn't changed.

Ex manages 7 hours a week and about 20 overnights a year. But I now have one happy organised child in a clean home, rather than two ratty children in a bad tempered mess.

Things are much better.

Two full time working people is pretty hard going with a child in the mix. People I know make two careers sustainable by using paid help. It eases the resentment and the mental load, and therefore the arguments.

He won't change though. They never do. He is who he is. You either accept it, find a solution (like paid help) or divorce. Deep and meaningful discussions; you may as well be talking into the wind.

OP I could have written your post. I spent 15 years in a relationship like this. It takes it toll. I became free this year and ended it. My dd is 11.

You need to get solicitors advice first re the house. You could get a meschers order where you could stay until your son was 18, then sell. Your son will adapt - many kids are fine when their parents coparent well.

Ultimately though you make a choice- stay and be miserable or leave, things may be tricky to start but you open yourself up to a happier life that you can design how you would like.

The reality us-

Have you tried couples counselling? I personally know several marriages that have been saved by this (variety of different problems). It may ease the burden of leaving if you know you've tried your best to salvage the relationship first. You would need to approach it with a really open mind and heart though. I also echo what others have said regarding needing more help at home, get a cleaner and handyman sorted and it comes out of the joint family pot (much cheaper than divorcing and splitting the family assets). Of course you don't want sex when you're spending every spare waking hour doing jobs around the house, you need time to recharge and reconnect with yourself in order to have any room in your life for that physical connection again. Prioritise your self care now.

I read your post OP and started to wonder if I'd written it last night and forgotten!
My children are older but I feel so much guilt for not ending things years ago.
My H seems quite content to just chug along, whereas this whole situation has taking its toll on me.
I think you and your son would adapt and you'd be happier if you went your separate ways.
Don't carry on like I have done for 15+ years because I regret not leaving him.

You need to take action and I think these are you initial options:

• tell him you are unhappy and you need to seek couples therapy
• talk to him frankly about what is going on and that you can't continue in the relationship as it currently is. Something has to change

...if nothing improves after these options then I guess you can leave safe in the knowledge that you tried to make things better. Your situation sounds really tough. But you shouldn't feel guilty about trying to improve things so you are happier. Don't be a doormat. Your son would rather you be happy.

If he refuses couples counselling, as is likely, then go on your own.

Do not stay in such a marriage either for your sons sake. He will not say “thanks mum” to you for doing that to him and could well accuse you of putting his dad before him.

Do you think your H feels at all guilty about the ways he has treated you and in turn his son?. No not a bit of it. This is who he is and such men do not change. Your feelings of guilt here are entirely misplaced. Stop carrying this man child.

I would seek legal advice ASAP and particularly before January. Solicitors busiest month is January because many people hang on for the festive season then start the process of separation in the New Year.

A starting point for assets would likely be 50/50 which includes pensions and equity. So to understand what you might get total the assets and then see a solicitor for advice.

What does he do on his days off?

Resentment is a relationship killer so your choices are to fix it, accept it or leave. Staying and feeling resentful will just damage you and your son as he will be aware of it as he gets older.

I have huge anger towards my husband of 30 years. Just now he shouted at me in the car infront of a friend to 'take my foot of the clutch ' - it's a new car I'm getting used to and I wasn't depressing the clutch. He shouted at me 3 times in a horrible way and this was after I tried to speak to him earlier about his need to control and the way he speaks to me.
I swear and call him terrible names behind his back. He isn't all bad but he wasn't a great dad as the kids were getting older and I feel missed the opportunity of forming a bond with his son. He didn't have any time or patience for them.
He's a Man's Man who loves the pub, football etc which obvs is not my thing.

He's not spontaneous (which I can be.) But he has good points, dependable, not mean with money, intelligent but not necessarily open minded.
If I try to speak to him it falls on a brick wall. He has never been able to talk about feelings. He says he loves me but rarely shows it.
I would like a lot more affection. I'm not really interested in sex with him, he doesn't try that hard tbh.
I feel like i've reached the end of the road and am feeling angry and low.
I know there's more to life . Thoughts ?

What am I entitled to if we split? Would I get to keep the house? Would we have to sell?

Starting point of 50/50 split of assets, might lean 60/40 if you have your son more. Very unlikely you could keep the house unless you can afford to buy him out. Yes, you would probably have to sell.

I would nip the daydreams about every other weekend contact in the bud, that just isn't the modern trend in the courts any more.

Divorce. Why the heck are you still with him?

Start your own thread. This one is nearly 2 years old and you won't get replies specifically to your situation.

In what way is he a great dad? I'm not being facetious, just want to understand how. Because it sounds like you do everything for your house and son.

And if he is genuinely a great dad (attentive, takes him to appointments, turns up at school events, looks after him when he's ill, mends his bike, gets up with him when he's ill in the night, knows his friends names etc) - that's brilliant - he will continue being a great dad if you split up.

I know it's a big decision, but your child will still have their dad if you split. Children are extemely adaptable. If your home isn't a happy one, that isn't good for your child. If they haven't already noticed that mum and dad aren't happy, they will soon. Even if not on a conscious level. And they may well model their own furture relationships on yours. Would you want that? What would you say if your child came to you in 20 years feeling like you feel? What would you encourage them to do?