Guilty.....

[Mrsguilty]

So I left my partner of 15 years a month ago. He's been absolutely devastated, he's fell into depression, he's off work, and looks a mess.

I feel so guilty, because he done nothing wrong, it's just the relationship wasnt meeting my needs anymore and I grew apart from him.

The guilt though.....it's almost tearing me apart. Laying awake at night knowing I've done this to him is really hard.

Does anyone think relationship counselling be of benefit to help me process it all and deal with these feelings?

Thing is though, you haven't done it to him. We're all responsible for our own selves. When in a relationship SO many people lose their own identity. They can't think of themselves as separate from their partner...so when it ends, they lose who they are.

But people need to retain a portion of themselves...many don't though and those are the people who lose their grip when a relationship ends.

You're not responsible for him...you weren't when you were together either.

You've done nothing wrong either. People always have the choice to leave relationships. It's hard, but he is the one responsible for himself and his happiness. Yes, it does sound like some counselling might help you to process it all - maybe you can get one initial session and see if you find it helpful.

Thank you for the replies.

I understand I'm not responsible for his happiness, but it's just the feeling of guilt I still can't shake off. It's horrible.

I will contact a counselor today I think X

Aw, it wasn't fair to him to continue if you weren't ' in it'.
You've done the most honest, and the kindest thing- even though it may not feel like it.

@spotcheck I was agonising over making the decision for about 6 months though. So I almost feel cruel that I didn't do it sooner

You've had six months to get used to the idea - he's only just had his life turned upside down. He's grieving for the loss of a relationship, it'll take time for him to process (and he'll go through shock, anger etc).

Don't feel guilty, as others have said, you've done the better thing. But be kind and understand his reaction.

Good idea contacting a counselor - try and get a recommendation so you know it's a good one. It's not your fault and it seems you know that logically, but guilt can be an Illogical beast.

Could you talk to him and befriend him to help him get through it all? It doesn't sound like there is animosity. Perhaps meeting for coffee once a week come rain or shine might be enough for him to feel better as he still has you as a friend and might make you feel better as it may assuage the guilt?

Its really not the OPs job to further befriend him and or otherwise help him get through it all. She is neither his counsellor or therapist nor should she act as one. OP herself seeing a counsellor could be beneficial to her re her feelings of guilt.

It wouldn't have mattered when you did it. He still wouldn't have taken it well.

[quote Mrsguilty]@spotcheck I was agonising over making the decision for about 6 months though. So I almost feel cruel that I didn't do it sooner[/quote]
It's a big decision- of course you needed time to make sure it was the right one