Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Friend seems to be ghosting me

13 replies

Mmmmdanone · 30/11/2021 20:11

I've has this friend since uni so over 30 years. She's always been there for ne, and I for her. I consider her one of my closest friends ( and I have only about 4 really close friends). Anyway, I've been going through a separation this last few months and she's been amazing. Really brilliant support and making sure she keeps in contact, checks on me etc. Until the last few weeks. I've tried getting her to engage in messages and arrange a video call with her, but she's given short answers and is never available.

I thought maybe I'd been selfish and only talked about my problems, but I really don't think I have and also isn't that what friends are for if you're going through a hard time?
I'm feeling pretty fragile at the moment due to my home situation (still living with stbxh and it's hard). If I ask her outright what the issue is I'm scared the answer will break me. I really am not in a good place. Or should I just leave it and see if it either sorts itself out or doesn't iyswim? Any advice at all? I'm so upset.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 30/11/2021 20:13

She may have her own shit going on and doesn't have the emotional capacity for yours and/or doesn't want to burden you while you're have a tough time.

gamerchick · 30/11/2021 20:14

You should talk to her if she's a good friend. It may not be about you at all. Ask her if she's ok.

turnaroundtime · 30/11/2021 20:15

It sounds like you are struggling now with not knowing, I would have to ask. Put it delicately and with no judgement

Aprilx · 30/11/2021 20:18

Maybe she needs a bit of space for her own stuff. I wouldn’t try and force the issue bearing in mind what you have said about her response when you have tried to organise a catch up. Leave her for a couple of weeks?

UnsuitableHat · 30/11/2021 20:19

Agree that she may be feeling a bit overwhelmed by something else at the moment. Maybe message and say you hope she’s ok, you’d love to catch up when there’s a chance or whatever, then be prepared to ease off for a while. If she’s a supportive 30+ year friend you probably aren’t going to just lose her.

Original poster

Mmmmdanone · 30/11/2021 20:29

Thanks for replies. Probably best to leave her alone for a bit and then ask her if she's OK.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 30/11/2021 20:32

What have you been saying in the messages though? Are they asking how she is/general chat?

Original poster

Mmmmdanone · 30/11/2021 21:19

Yes well I'll say something like hi how are you? then give a little detail of what I'm up to. I avoid whining on about my crap (although I probably do that in a video call)
I then ask if she wants to arrange a call. Last time I just got one sentence reply and no reply re a call. This has been going on for maybe a month. Before that it was all normal.

OP posts:

Moonface123 · 05/12/2021 18:21

Being honest to me it looks as though she has lost interest. It could be that she felt you were leaning on her too much?
l have had three friends over the last several years struggling with mental health etc , as well as my youngest son and for my own well being l have now had to take a step back from three friends as l am absolutely exhausted and felt like it was always a one way street.

Sloth66 · 05/12/2021 21:31

It can be really exhausting supporting a friend who is having a tough time.
I have a friend who is in a bad place , I’ve listened endlessly to her problems for a long time and there’s no reciprocity. To be honest, I’ve had enough.

Not saying this is your situation, but I’d leave it for a bit, then ask how she is.

CoachBeardless · 05/12/2021 21:43

She may have compassion fatigue.

I've previously been in a situation where a friend going through a difficult time relied on me and contacted me constantly about her problems to the extent that I ended up on anti-depressants myself.

It can be extremely exhausting being someone's support system. Maybe she needs a break.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2021 21:58

@CoachBeardless

She may have compassion fatigue.

I've previously been in a situation where a friend going through a difficult time relied on me and contacted me constantly about her problems to the extent that I ended up on anti-depressants myself.

It can be extremely exhausting being someone's support system. Maybe she needs a break.

I think this may be it OP. I've been on both ends of this and it's really tough both sides. If she's always been a great friend, I would give her space and grace but keep checking in without mentioning the stuff your side. Maybe send something along the lines of 'I saw xyz show today and thought of you - hope everything is good your side, look forward to catching up whenever suits you and getting you a drink to say thanks for being there for me this year. I probably haven't said it enough but I've appreciated it so much. Always here for you too x'

Tyiipp · 06/12/2021 11:02

I can’t see how someone can be a ‘great friend’ by essentially blanking a friend who is having a hard time. Whatever her reason it’s best for her to say.

OP I would message asking directly if you’d upset her and also asking if she’s ok. Then you can deal with the reply. You say you’re feeling fragile which is understandable but would you not rather be kind but direct with her about this? If she says she can’t cope with your problems (which seems to be acceptable on MN!) then at least you know where you stand. You can consider being friends with her still but maybe you see her in a different light…doesn’t have to be a bad thing necessarily.

You sound lovely. Of course friends are supposed to be there for others.

Flip