Is it me being unreasonable here?

Motnight · 30/11/2021 19:51

Oldest son needs to stop trying to dictate other peoples' behaviour.

CrushedPistachios · 30/11/2021 19:52

If your 24 year old adult son doesn't like it, he's old enough to spend the day with his dad and move out.

gamerchick · 30/11/2021 19:53

Oldest son is welcome to go and keep dad company if he wants.

hedgehogger1 · 30/11/2021 19:53

A tutor will be better placed to help. Unless your ex has experience of what's on the exam board. He can pay for the tutor if he wants to help

Aprilx · 30/11/2021 19:59

I don’t think there is anything wrong with oldest son trying to encourage his younger brother to rebuild his relationship with their father.

But no, of course you should not have to invite your ex to Christmas dinner! If eldest son is bothered about him being by himself, he can keep him company.

Thegreencup · 30/11/2021 20:02

Aw that's so kind of your adult child offering to go round to his dad's on Christmas day to keep him company, isn't it? And so nice of him to offer to cook the dinner for him too?

Nearlytheretrees · 30/11/2021 20:02

Eldest can go to his dad's for Christmas and you and younger son can have a lovely day together

Thegreencup · 30/11/2021 20:03

Tell him to jog on and change the locks while he's out. Then he can go and live with his dad permanently.

Suzi888 · 30/11/2021 20:06

@Aprilx

I don’t think there is anything wrong with oldest son trying to encourage his younger brother to rebuild his relationship with their father.

But no, of course you should not have to invite your ex to Christmas dinner! If eldest son is bothered about him being by himself, he can keep him company.

^ this Eldest son is out of line, of course you shouldn’t be forced into having your ex over to suit your 24 year old ADULT son.

Your house, your rules.

SpindlesWinterWhorl · 30/11/2021 20:07

Seriously, 'good at math' is no qualification these days for teaching maths to a good exam standard for a 16 year old. I'm very good at maths and use it in my job, but my DC both went to tutors.

As for your 24 year old son, well he's quite the bossy boots, isn't he? You're perfectly entitled to tell him to pipe down and to leave you and the 16 year old child in the house in peace and quiet.

As pp have said, the 24 year old can make all the running, do the travel, go to his dad's house. They are two grown men.

HeddaGarbled · 30/11/2021 20:07

Your eldest son is in a difficult place. Your ex is his dad, and he loves him and cares about him. It’s a credit to your son and the way that you’ve brought him up that he is able to take a mature and empathetic attitude here.

Of course you’re not going to invite your ex to spend Christmas with you, but try and understand your son’s feelings and talk to him sensibly. Don’t try to make him choose between his mum and his dad.

HerRoyalHappiness · 30/11/2021 20:08

You are absolutely not the bad guy here. Your oldest son should realise that separated parents don't generally spend Christmas together. Christ, I have young kids and wouldn't spend Christmas with their dad even though he's going to be alone on Christmas. He's not my responsibility and as your youngest is 16, he can decide for himself if he wants a relationship with his dad. He said no. That's 2 of you want nothing to do with him. If your oldest son is that concerned he can spend Christmas day at his dad's.

WhenSepEnds · 30/11/2021 20:08

@Californiansunsets

So, I split from my husband in April this year, he was cheating on me.

The other day ex messaged me about Christmas and asked if he could give me money towards the kids Christmas. He said to our oldest son (24) he would be spending it by himself as his mum was going to his sisters house (he doesn’t speak to his BIL so I take it he hasn’t been invited).
Now I have no idea whether our oldest son asked him what he was doing or if ex just told him.

I’m thinking it a bit of a coincidence the email and the conversation about Christmas Day happens at once!

Youngest son (16) doesn’t speak to his dad at all, doesn’t want a relationship with him because of how he treated me.

Also in the email ex sent, he asked how youngest son did at his recent parents night, I told him he was doing okay, but was struggling with math and I was going to get him a tutor after Christmas. Ex was very good at math and asked me to ask son if he could help him, my son said absolutely not. Fine fair enough, I will get a tutor.

Oldest son came home from work today to say youngest son is being a dick, there is no point in me paying out for a tutor when his dad could help him, and he should just be speaking to his dad and have a. Relationship with him as what happened between me and his dad has nothing to do with anyone else. Also oldest son said no one should be spending Christmas by themselves and said his dad should come up here for dinner……..eh no! I’ve told him his dad isn’t coming here, I don’t want him here, youngest son has said he doesn’t want him here either. It’s not my fault he doesn’t have anyone to spend it with.
Oldest son isn’t happy.

Is it me? Am I the one who is being rotten here? I’m just starting to feel. A bit better but I know myself if I see him I will get upset, I will say something sarky, we will argue, he will leave and I will be crying. Why is my son making me out to be the bad guy here????? Am I the bad guy?

Oldest son is not the parent, the homeowner or the one who was cheated on so has no say!

nocnoc · 30/11/2021 20:12

Your oldest is out of line and is becoming a flying monkey (google it). I suggest he’s an adult so it needs a one on one conversation. Be blunt. You say “you’re an adult and it’s time for this to stop. I won’t have any more contact with your father. He had sex with another woman while married to me. It’s against his marriage vows and is disgusting. He broke my heart and broke our family. This is my house. He is not welcome here. You are welcome to go to his house anytime. Your brother gets to make his own mind up about who he speaks to. I’ve always treated both of you with respect and honestly. Please do the same back. If you want, maybe it’s time for you to move out and start making your own way if you want to have a day in who comes to this house. You can then invite your dad whenever you want”
You are going to have to stand up for yourself or it will only get worse

bigbeatmanifesto · 30/11/2021 20:13

He's an ex for a reason. If you wanted your Christmas' together you'd be together surely?
I'd tell the eldest he's more than welcome to visit his dad at Christmas but that by no measure means you all have to.

Original poster

Californiansunsets · 30/11/2021 20:19

@HeddaGarbled

Your eldest son is in a difficult place. Your ex is his dad, and he loves him and cares about him. It’s a credit to your son and the way that you’ve brought him up that he is able to take a mature and empathetic attitude here.

Of course you’re not going to invite your ex to spend Christmas with you, but try and understand your son’s feelings and talk to him sensibly. Don’t try to make him choose between his mum and his dad.

I’m not asking him to chose between me and his dad, he was the one who approached me with to say his dad was spending Christmas Day by himself, and he was the one who started saying his dad shouldn’t be spending time alone on Christmas Day, if he wants to see his dad on Christmas Day that’s fine, I just won’t be doing the driving around (son doesn’t drive).

I have no problem with my sons wanting a relationship with their dad. Oldest wants a relationship with his dad fine, youngest doesn’t want a relationship with his dad fine.
Both are old enough to make their own choices and I respect that.

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Original poster

Californiansunsets · 30/11/2021 20:22

Thanks everyone, will defo have a conversation with my oldest later. My youngest son heard us talking and he has said if his dad comes here for Christmas Day he will walk out and go to a friends house.
He just doesn’t want to be in the same house as his dad.

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TheFoundations · 30/11/2021 20:24

Why does eldest son think it's ok to call his younger brother names because he disagrees with him?

He's an adult, and responsible for himself. And not anybody else. He seems to think he's responsible for his Dad's Christmas... his boundaries are all out of whack.

Is he behaving anything like his father did when you were together, by any chance?

Original poster

Californiansunsets · 30/11/2021 20:33

TheFoundations now I cannot remember that far back, we had been together for 36 years x

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