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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wasting my time?

10 replies

Blinkyshd · 30/11/2021 18:46

Not sure if this is a red flag or not, or at least someone I should avoid in the circumstances. I’m late 30s and recently met someone who had just turned 40. I was pretty blunt about the fact I wanted something serious and said I was looking for a relationship to progress. He mirrored this and we had a great first few dates. We’ve been seeing each other more and more but at the same times he’s recently said he’s going to be very busy over the next few weeks with work (said that means we can’t plan things but will have to see each other less now and then) and that over Christmas he intends to go up to see his family…no mention of us doing anything together even between Christmas and new year. He seems quite detached, every weekend we spend some time together but he will talk about the future and jobs and where to live in a way that doesn’t even contemplate that i will be part of it. Example is he suddenly said last night that he thought he might work in Germany for a while…

Obviously none of these things are an issue six months in…but I guess I was hoping he’d start to see us as more of a unit. We are not young and we were both clear about what we wanted. I’m not saying I know I want to marry him yet, of course I don’t, but I would certainly discuss moving abroad with him in terms of us (even if I was adamant I was doing it).

I guess I’m just wondering if I let this one go. Really liked him but there’s no real drive from him to prioritise us I don’t think?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 30/11/2021 20:24

Sadly, yes I think you are right, it sounds like he is keeping you at arms length.

Wineandroses3 · 30/11/2021 20:26

He’s subtly planting the seed that he’s not 100 percent committed to you , he’s leaving it open so he doesn’t have to commit and he can keep his options open.

Whiskeyandwine · 30/11/2021 20:32

Yes, I would move on. You don’t want a time waster at this stage

50ShadesOfCatholic · 30/11/2021 20:36

It's worth having the conversation but yes his actions would indicate that you have different priorities.

AnaViaSalamanca · 30/11/2021 21:55

The bitter truth is that he is never going to sit you down and tell you clearly that he doesn’t want a future. You have to read between the lines and see that he is not in that headspace.

shivermetimbers77 · 30/11/2021 21:58

What is his relationship history OP? Has he ever been married or in a LTR? Or is he more of a happy to be single type?

samesign · 30/11/2021 22:24

If he knew he going to very busy this time of year oh why are people so selfish to start dating in the first place or he's trying to make it a more casual arrangement, unfortunately men will tell you what you want to hear just to have the fun times but have no intentions in being your partner for the long term.
I wouldn't see him as a partner prospect and commit yourself to him or anyone unless they are giving you what you need in return.

samesign · 30/11/2021 22:30

Sorry just read your six months in, around this time you kind of know if the relationship has potential to go further, if you don't feel secure by now and you're fitting into the future of your relationship then it doesn't seem like he's the one for you.

TheFoundations · 30/11/2021 22:39

There are some absolute red flag behaviours, like violence and verbal abuse, but there are more subtle things that can cause you, personally, to have a 'red flag' feeling. Something where your gut, personally, feels that something is very off, or wrong, for you.

It's really important to respond to these in the same way as the standard red flag behaviours; anybody who makes you feel like asking the question 'Is this a red flag..?' is giving you the red flag feeling, and you're not sure whether it's valid or not.

Your feelings are always valid. Always. They can't be right or wrong, because there is no rulebook on how we're meant to feel in any given circumstance. So, we all have our own individual rules, and that's why individual red flag feelings occur.

You say you're willing to talk to him about moving abroad; why haven't you? What's made you come to MN rather than saying to him 'Hey, you know that Germany thing? What if we both went, together?'

There's 2 things going on here. 1 is that you're invalidating your feelings, and the other is that you're not talking to him about how you feel. Oh, hang on... I think those are 2 facets of the same thing: What you feel matters, and you need to make it clear, and back away from anybody who isn't interested in doing the stuff that'll make you happy.

Sonaftersonafterson · 30/11/2021 23:40

If he was invested and thinking of his future with you in it, he wouldn't be talking / acting this way.

I'd have a chat with him and clear this up instead of second guessing as it doesnt sound encouraging to me unfortunately x

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