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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to fogive when you haven't fogotten and how to foget when you can't forgive?

3 replies

gabsdot45 · 30/11/2021 16:54

About 3 years ago my brother, (C) and SIL had a huge falling out with our parents and my other siblings.

It is a very long story and there were so many aspects to the argument that it's too much to go into but it came out of the blue, as we have always got on very well as a family.

Since then I have had very little contact with him and it's all been superficual, a few texts, I sent his kids birthday presents etc. There has also been very little contact with my parents and other siblings which is heartbreaking for my parents as they really miss him and their grandchildren.

I really want to make up. I miss him and hate all the bad feeling but I just can't forgive him for some of the things he said to and about my family. accusations of abuse and bullying and lying about things I said to him. Even if we do make up I don't think our releationship can ever be the same again.

Our other brothers daughter is getting married next year and he might be coming home for it, (he lives abroad) . it was my neices decision to invite him as she's not completly aware of what happened. This other brother has tried a few times to smooth things over but C isnt willing unless we all admitt to the bad behaviour he accused us of and basically agree to all his demands. I can't do that. I know I didn't do the things I'm accused of and neither did my parents.

I'm planning to send a Christmas present and have been trying to compose a message to ask him if we can make up but I can't put it into words and I just go round and round.

Part of me just wants to stay NC with him as thats easier but on the other hand, my family is very important to me and I miss him.

Any suggestions? Has anone been through something like this and made up in the end?

OP posts:
AmIteallythatstupid · 30/11/2021 20:42

I can't offer any advise on how to move on but thought i should mention I am one of 3 siblings, all now in our 40s.

We have had discussions recently, i had quite a turbulent relationship with my parents growing up, mainly down to me being a nightmare however my recollection of things that went on are completely contradictory to those memories of my sisters. I remember growing up being quite unhappy family dynamics in places whereas my older sister says she had a wonderful happy childhood. I think the point im trying to make, albeit badly, is our version of events don't always align. Clearly your brothers memory is completely different to yours.

Signalstation · 30/11/2021 20:44

You could just keep it brief. Say that life's too short and you miss speaking with him.

PermanentTemporary · 30/11/2021 20:47

I don't know. I had a big fallout with my BIL after my husband's death and although we kind of patched it up for my FIL's sake it isn't forgotten or forgiven, and we don't have a live relationship.

I'd agree with Signalstation. Just try moving on to a new phase in life and leave the argument in the past. You can't force him to do the same though.

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