DH not acknowledging trial separation

[Peach2021]

Just that really - despite not having lived here for weeks when he comes to see DC he tries to carry on as if nothing has happened. He wants to cuddle and says that he's come to see me as much as DC...

I try and stay out of the way (he has to be here for the moment to see them because he hasn't yet got round to sorting out somewhere to live, he's staying with friends) but he asks me to join them...

I just want to get on with my own life - that's the whole point of the separation (which he didn't want but I insisted on, after years of abusive behaviour) - but he just won't acknowledge it; is this normal/just something an abuser does, or does he really somehow not "get it?"

It's time to stop letting him in. Make the kids available for contact, it's up to him to sort a base out.

And see a solicitor to start divorce proceedings.

You'll find these men enter a few different phases when they realise they're losing their grip. Angry, lovebombing, angry, threatening suicide and then threatening to go for custody. In any order and maybe missing one out.

It'll be bumpy but it ends.

It's something an abuser does.

Go out when he comes round.

I'd stop calling it a "trial separation" and crack on with the divorce process. Calling it a trial may be making him think he's going to come back , and that's why he isn't bothering to make proper living arrangements.

This is too fuckin' easy for him.
Let him get on with contact with your kids - outside of your house.

Can you get someone else to be there and hand the children over?

And yes, unless you are actually considering reconciling stop calling it a trial separation and proceed with divorce.

He is continuing to be abusive. Why are you having a trial separation from an abusive man though?

Trial separation always makes it sound like there’s hope of reconciliation. You want to get on with your life. Better just to split properly..

But you have called it a trial separation, so that's confusing, isn't it? You don't want him at all, so why is it a trial?

If you are committed to ending this relationship then I think it's worth making that clear to him in words of one syllable. Not because he doesn't know, but so that you can feel 100% confident that you have not given mixed signals. Start divorce proceedings, tell him what you are planning and see a solicitor. If appropriate, start discussing the longer term contact and financial situation.

I also think this sort of pattern is an attempt to gaslight you. The issues in your relationship are not going to be solved by him giving you a cuddle. But this way, when you pull away etc, I bet you he give you the huffy, "nothing I do is ever good enough for you" or some variation thereof.

Stop contact in your house. Or, if you can't, ask a friend or family member to be there for contact while you go out. Be prepared for him to find this infuriating.

I called it a trial because initially that's genuinely what it was - I just needed some clear air to think and was still wondering if we could somehow sort things out...not least because I hadn't fully realised that most if not all of his behaviour is devious...

Having realised since he left that I do want to make this a permanent split (that's what I meant about wanting to get on with my life, having time and headspace to come to a final decision because the implications are huge) I was also, stupidly, thinking that if we could manage a "nice" Christmas for the DC, that would be best for them and him...and it would also allow me time to get my ducks lined up...

Gah, so straightforward and so complicated all at once...

Be prepared for him to get nasty when he realises he’s not going to be allowed back in.

Get your ducks in order now as it will get very nasty. Be prepared.

So go grey rock until after Christmas but get legal advice before you tell him you want a divorce.

He knows very well what's going on. He is continuing to abuse you. The unwanted sexual contact is not him being affectionate, it's about power and control.

To be fair if he doesn’t know whether this is permanent he won’t find really somewhere else to live. And getting to the end of Christmas means you’re all in this limbo for over a month. The children must already be pretty aware of what’s going on, surely? If you’ve made your mind up you might be better getting on with it. You can still plan lovely things to do at Xmas, just individually. But yes, get ducks in a row, speak to a solicitor before you tell him.