Need to rip off the plaster

[MissFranKubelik]

I’m looking for advice about how to end a relationship. We have three kids. Oldest 22, youngest 13.

I’m married to my OH, but over the last 10 years, the relationship has been winding down. I think this started with stopping sex (side effect of his anti-depressants), but all physical intimacy stopped, and we have been less emotionally intimate over time.

We follow a predictable pattern probably every 3 months. It starts with blazing rows (generally caused by his bad temper and me taking exception to it) which then turns into him stone-walling me for 2-3 weeks; then another blazing row lasting days where we tried to broker a resolution. Increasingly, the resolution has been hard to come to as he’s very positional – he’s done nothing wrong.

I would become incredibly stressed and upset during these episodes. Last year I planned to take my own life. I sought help and my psychologist has been helping me process my abusive, neglectful childhood, and I’ve been starting to see that my heightened upset and fear during our rows is probably tied up with that abuse – and it’s helped me to see my relationship with my OH for what it is. I’m now better at not reacting when he kicks off – which avoids the vicious rows; but it has shown me that he’s not emotionally available to me, and I’m hanging around trying to get him to be.

To complicate things - I’ve been the breadwinner for the last 18 years. He retrained to do a job that was much less stressful (but doesn’t cover his own expenses). I pay all the mortgage/ bills/ food shop/ holidays/ clothes for kids – everything. He doesn’t appreciate me for this, and actually probably resents me. It certainly comes up as a very hot topic when he’s losing his temper.

I think the relationship is dead. We’re like housemates when its at its best. I think if we carry on, we’ll end up destroying any good memories and probably have an inability to maintain a healthy relationship after separating - I don't want to end up hating him. However, I feel under pressure to keep going. The kids would be upset, naturally. OH is stressed at the thought of needing to be financially independent. (Although he’ll obviously get half of the house and half of my pension which will go a long way to making him financially secure).

I feel totally stuck. I need to move us all forward - how do I rip off the plaster?

Your own abusive childhood played a huge part in you being with an abuser now. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and you are right to surmise that this relationship is dead.

Why do you feel under pressure to keep going?. Where is the root of all that?. I actually think that trying to keep a healthy relationship going with him post separation is a pipe dream that will not occur because he is abusive towards you and in turn your kids. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would actually think the children on some level would be relieved that you've finally got shot of your (and in turn their) abuser.
They cannot afford to further see such damaging lessons on relationships because they could otherwise go onto repeat this for their own selves.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law; exercise those fully. You've carried him for way too long and he has ridden your coattails. Cut him loose now; where he goes post separation is not your problem.

Plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention asap and seek advice as soon as possible. Use the likes of both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women here (the latter can give some legal advice) and remember that knowledge is power.

See a divorce lawyer
I can recommend one
Book an appt and get clear on the financial
Get all your paperwork ready

Seeing a lawyer and being very very brave is the first step

He won’t like it
He’ll protest
He’ll promise to change maybe

Just keep walking

Thank you both; I've never spoken to anyone about the issues in my relationship - typing it out made it feel a lot better. You're both right, a sensible next step would be to get some advice about separating. I'm feeling literally terrified at the thought - and I don't know why. I'm financially independent, I know I'll be happier and more relaxed. I just don't know why I have these waves of panic thinking about it.

I could have written your post and will be separating from my husband in January. I too am financially independent and he will struggle to cover his costs on his salary. In one way it makes it easier because I don’t need to worry about money, and I have more options but I also don’t want to see him struggle.

It was very hard telling him I wanted a divorce, and it’s been hard to still live together while he gets some money together to find somewhere to live. I know I’ll feel better living alone and that thought it keeping me going.

Thank you @IknowwhatIneed; it's so good to hear from someone who ripped the plaster off already. It does seem to be a similar situation. I just want the peace and quiet of living without him now. He was away for four days this weekend (in a tantrum) and it was so calm and relaxed.

I split 2 Years
Same context and we weren’t married somalot easier
That said ripping off a plaster doesn’t even touch how hard it was
Hard
But needs must