I’ve got a chronic illness and a boyfriend I love but I feel so guilty, what should I do?

[Imscared83]

I’m really sad. I met my boyfriend when I knew I had this illness, it’s M.E by the way. I told him and he understands, well I don’t think he fully understands. I’ve been thinking lately about our future. I have one child already with my ex. I won’t be able to have one with him as I wouldn’t be able to cope. Don’t get me wrong I would have one in a heartbeat, he is so amazing but I’m struggling as it is. He doesn’t have his own.

What am I seriously going to be able to offer him apart from the fact I almost own my house, he has one mortgaged also. Is loving him enough when perhaps I won’t be able to continue working and may need care in the future.

I’m scared. I love this man but I want better for him. I’ve told him and he just says but I love you but he doesn’t understand what his life may be like. What happens if I get housebound. He is a campervan man, he won’t be able to do that.

I’ve been through hell the last few years, lost my dad, 3 years ago left abusive marriage. This man I deserve, he is perfect and kind but that’s selfish.

You sound very negative - I know two people who have suffered with M.E over the years, and have indeed had periods of time when they couldn't get out of the house, but both seem to be managing very well and living a pretty normal life (one of them was really suffering in her early 20's but went on to have two kids. I don't know her that well, she's a friend's wife, but she's 50 now and from what I can see on his Fb she's certainly not housebound, they are always out)

I’m late 30’s now and it just seems to be getting worse. I don’t want to take things away form him because I’m ill. I could not have another child.

@fortheloveofallthings

You sound very negative - I know two people who have suffered with M.E over the years, and have indeed had periods of time when they couldn't get out of the house, but both seem to be managing very well and living a pretty normal life (one of them was really suffering in her early 20's but went on to have two kids. I don't know her that well, she's a friend's wife, but she's 50 now and from what I can see on his Fb she's certainly not housebound, they are always out)

Everyone experiences ME differently and there are various levels of disability. You can't compare OP's life with your friends' or judge how negative/ realistic she's being based on thats. It doesn't sound like having two friends with it has helped your understanding tbh.

You need to stop panicking, and just live your lives together.
He is free to leave if he wants, he even has a house to go to.
If he knows you won’t have any more children, he is there knowing that.
Enjoy your relationship, it might not be for ever like any relationship , but enjoy it while you’ve got it.

How long have you been together OP? How much has he seen/ experienced of how it affects you? Because to live it is to know it and if he's done that, he knows what he's taken on. And as an adult you have to respect his informed choice.

I honestly believe that hope is on the horizon for ME sufferers. Long Covid is telling us so much more about ME. There's also a big genetic study coming up in the New Year called DecodeME (sign up if you can) which will give us more information.

It might not be soon enough to help you have another DC but it might help you get out in your DP's campervan eventually.

“Some” men are fine with not having their own children, have you asked him if he even wants kids or are you assuming?

Why are you looking so far a head? Any person can fall drastically ill at anytime no matter their age or health.

Enjoy life now.

I’m ill now, everyday is a constant struggle I don’t need to look ahead to see that. There are so many things I want to do but can’t.

Sorry I’m down and extremely frustrated at the moment. I’m thinking about him and the fairness of this on him.

It is his decision to make, not yours. You have made your circumstances abundantly clear and transparent. Respect his decision and now enjoy your life with him, or you can continue to self sabotage and ruin something that makes you and him very happy.

There are no guarantees for anyone in this world. I have a chronic condition and try to make the best of what I can do, and you should try and do the same. Maybe he enjoys a quiet life with you? Maybe he loves your child and home and wants to be part of your unit?

Don't ruin it. Celebrate what you have, stop second guessing what he should 'have' and work on doing as much as you can to stay well.

Well that explains why you are down as your ill now and I think it’s normally to be a bit doom and gloom whilst your in the thick of it.

Try not to dwell, I know it’s hard, but things will improve again slightly and you will feel much better.

It’s his choice, I’m sure his capable of deciding for himself. I know it’s from a place of love but it’s not your right to tell him what he can and can’t do, if his happy his happy, don’t push him away, that serves no one.

And don’t self sabotage, it’s hard to love or hep someone who doesn’t love or help themselves.

Be upbeat and positive- smile in the face of wicked fate.

I have ME too. Started from glandular fever when I was 8 and eventually got diagnosed when I was 24. I’m in my mid 30s now and have one DS.

I’ve definitely had peaks and troughs with it but my general activity level has been the same barring odd months of illness. Please be kind to yourself. Stress greatly impacts us and from what you’ve gone through the last few years I’m not surprised if you’re at a low ebb. Speaking from experience, making major life decisions when you’re in that mindset is hard. I get so pessimistic about everything that all my decisions would be to curl up alone in a dark room!

As much as you want to protect your partner, it’s up to him if he feels he will be happy making a life with you. Good health or bad. If he’s been with you for any length of time he’s probably seen some of how this impacts you, the plans cancelled at the last minute, the inability to travel etc. In some ways, it’s the same as any relationship. We have to trust that they accept us as we are (baggage and all).

I met DH as a teenager when I was struggling to figure out what was wrong with me. On one hand it was easier as he took the journey with me. On the other it’s hard as he’s had to watch me deteriorate and deal with that impact on our relationship.

It is an extremely frustrating illness that can leave you feeling lonely and hopeless. After almost 30 years of having ME I’ve learnt to do what I can, when I can. Nothing is guaranteed and my health can turn on a penny. If I feel good, we make the most of it.

Don’t feel guilty for your boyfriend’s choice. You can’t control other people’s actions or choices. He loves you, he knows about your illness and he’s choosing you. You are absolutely worth choosing

Everyone experiences ME differently and there are various levels of disability. You can't compare OP's life with your friends' or judge how negative/ realistic she's being based on thats. It doesn't sound like having two friends with it has helped your understanding tbh.

I didn't mean it like that, I just meant that it's not a given that if you have M.E you will become housebound, which OP seems to be assuming will happen.
It would be a shame to throw away a good relationship based on what you assume will happen in the future. It would be different if OP had a degenerative disease where the path is always the same and it never gets better, but as you've said yourself everyone with M.E is different (and people with it can improve)

Then you need to be honest with him about your own future and your own needs, and trust him to make his own decisions. Feeling guilty is you trying to make his decisions for him. Let him decide what makes him happy. You can be very sad because you can't have another child , that doesn't mean he feels equally sad about not having a child, he may want different things from life. If he doesn't believe you when you say you can't have another child then that would be on him, not you.

I know a couple of people with ME. One was bedbound at first and then mostly housebound for several years, and then slowly recovered. Another was less severe and able to be more active sooner. ME varies a lot in severity and it doesn't always get worse. You can't really judge the future based on how you are now, ME isn't like that.