Why am I so disappointed?

[Letmedownagain]

20 year marriage, DC now teenage, DH is abusive and I've spent the last 10 years (since I realised it was him not me) trying to 'fix' him. I have poor MH, no confidence and am financially dependant on him which is why I'm still here. I have made some headway over the years, he no longer has aggressive outbursts, no more punching walls, standing over me with raised fists or shouting and name calling, although the fear is always there for me. He doesn't sulk anymore (because he knows it won't work) and is better at talking about his feelings instead of brooding, he is no longer sexually coercive.

The last (latest?) abusive behaviour is proving harder to crack. He essentially comes home in a mood due to a bad day, bad journey (he drives a lot for work) or whatever and proceeds to make my life as awkward as possible. He won't eat, even if starving and manages to somehow make it my fault, if we have plans he sabotages them or makes conflict where there is none, just generally makes life difficult and himself a victim/martyr.

I had thought we'd even made some progress with this, it's been about 6 weeks since last time and I had begun to dare hope, more fool me. I guess because the other stuff has improved so much I thought maybe the end was in sight but I'm deluding myself aren't I? And if I manage to fix this then something else will pop up won't it, it's like fucking whack-a-mole.

I think I'm just annoyed with myself for allowing myself to hope, I've expended all this energy, wasted all this time trying to fix what I had when I should have been building my independence so I felt strong enough to leave. I have to start from scratch now, 10 years older and more depleted by his shit but I know I have to do it. It shouldn't be a surprise but I just feel so fucking disappointed, why on earth did I think he could keep it up?

Questions
Are there any children involved
Do you have a job
Do you own your home

Yes to DC, early teens, no I don't have a job and no, house is rented from a HA.

I think you know what you have to do or you would not have posted on here OP

It's how you go about it that matters. I think if you have teenage children there is nothing to stop you from looking for a job which will be a good thing. It will give you confidence and stop you from living like this, running around after a pig like him.

If you are renting from an association can't you approach them and find something cheaper or get assistance with your rent?

I think you need to get advice from Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. When you do not do a thing about it you are contributing to the abuse especially when there are children involved who must have witnessed how he treats you, so you owe it to them to put a stop to it, and you owe it to yourself because you matter

I do know, it just feels like a massive mountain to climb and I'm angry at myself for still being at the bottom when I could be near the top by now. 'Get a job' sounds obvious and relatively simple but is utterly terrifying for me.

I was bullied out of my last job (15 years ago) because I had depression triggered by their treatment of me when I miscarried at work. On top of that I've now been out of employment for 15 years, have zero confidence so just the thought of interviews is enough to induce a panic attack and I'm currently home-schooling one of the DC due to bullying issues at school.

DH would be entirely unsupportive and quite possibly actively obstructive to me trying to work and I have no other support. I will have to find a way irrespective of all this but I'll be honest I've no idea how.

I think you need to do one thing at a time. Take steps to find out what benefits you will be entitled to and start looking at jobs that you could do. Saying he would be obstructive is defeatist. How could he stop you if you left him?
You need to get away from a life that stifles and crushes you. It's because of the way you are living that you can't see a way out, but believe me there is. I know. I have been there

You could just get UC and stuff if you left OP, that means you don't have to sort out the job thing before you go. You may well be entitled to more and reduced demands from the DWP due to your health. Then you can try and get a job when you feel upto it, and some of the pressure will be off.

You could probably get another HA or a council place for you and the DC. Worth looking into.

I would need a job before I left in order to afford to go. Youngest DC (the one I'm home schooling) is only just 13 and very anxious since the bullying so I would need DH to step up and fill the gaps while I worked, which he wouldn't. I don't think benefits would be an option, they would expect DC to be in school and me to be available to work.

@Letmedownagain

I would need a job before I left in order to afford to go. Youngest DC (the one I'm home schooling) is only just 13 and very anxious since the bullying so I would need DH to step up and fill the gaps while I worked, which he wouldn't. I don't think benefits would be an option, they would expect DC to be in school and me to be available to work.

You need to talk to someone who can advise you properly as you cannot continue to live with someone like this. Remind yourself that your children are worth more than this

I need to do something, feel unbearably sad this morning and keep crying which isn't like me at all. Think maybe I'm finally facing up to the fact I have done all I can and need to stop trying.

AIUI the benefits system does take account of home schooling. I am not sure of the precise details, but found this info by googling for reliable info - might even have been on a .gov.uk site. Or you could start a thread on the appropriate MN board.

Anyway, it is worth seeing the CAB who can estimate what you would get on benefits, tell you about other things available (like 25% discount of Council Tax for a single person), and exactly how home schooling is taken into account.

It’s very easy for people to say to leave but sometimes it’s just not possible (even though the bastard doesn’t deserve you!). It might be better in the short term, to find ways to truly block him out mentally. So as soon as he starts stropping about, just remove yourself from his presence. Ignore him if he doesn’t eat. He sounds utterly pathetic. Work on building up your confidence - there are lots of online courses available now, ask woman’s aid for advice and see if they can point you in the right direction. Get to a position where you can get a job, your kids will be older and you will be stronger. Hang in there op, it is him, not you!

I don't think benefits would be an option, they would expect DC to be in school and me to be available to work

Stop assuming. Things aren't as hopeless as you're thinking. You need to speak to somewhere like the CAB so you know your options. You do have them.

In the meantime live like he isn't there. If he doesn't want to eat then let him get on with it. Don't include him in plans. Don't engage with him in any arguments he might want to start.

Look for a way out. There is one.

But if you can leave leave!! But if you can’t, don’t do nothing IYSWIM

I need to stop getting sucked into the nice/nasty cycle, when he's nasty I feel too upset and low to start taking steps to help myself and then when he's nice the temptation to 'forget' what's happened and enjoy things being good is too much when I'm so miserable the rest of the time. I've also just realised there's an element of fear there, that if I don't go along with him deciding the mood is over, that he'll go back to temper tantrums and punching walls again so that adds to me getting sucked back in.

I can see that I need to be quietly getting on with building my independence in the background whilst cheerily pretending everything is ok but I only seem to have the energy for one or the other. I know I need to find it, I just don't know how.

You sound utterly defeated Op, one of the saddest posts I have seen on here. I hope you find the strength to change things for yourself

I do feel defeated, I've tried so hard and put so much into this marriage and now I'm realising there was no point in any of it. I don't know how I got here, I know you can't fix an abusive person so why the fuck have I wasted all this time trying? I'm hoping defeated will turn to angry at some point and I can use that to motivate myself but it's hard to imagine just at the moment.

Spending time thinking about wasted time is a waste in itself, OP. You can't change the past. Don't they call it something like the fallacy of sunken costs, where you feel like you've invested so much that you keep investing so you don't lose it. But now you need to cut your losses, and that's okay.

You did what was right for you at the time and don't forget, this man is an abuser. He knows how to reel you in, and he's done that. You tried to save your marriage and that's not necessarily a bad thing - there are no 'what ifs' for you now, you know it's done. Have a sleep, make a list breaking things down into small, manageable lists and feel the people rooting for you here OP.

The red sort of anger is not very productive, I found, when I was about to divorce my ex (his abuse was emotional, not physical).

But finding a steely blue anger withiin me helped me enormously.

I think PP are being mean. It's not easy or quick to change a mindset of decades, after years (probably a whole life) of having your confidence crushed. It's a long process and it sounds like the OP wants to do it.
Go slow, OP, small steps. Check benefits, check one thing at a time. The sooner you leave, the best for your children.
You can do it. One bit at a time. If you feel overwhelmed, stop, breath, and do "the next right thing" (I love this song on frozen 2).

From my own experience, bringon has it right. It takes time to unravel the spaghetti in the head that comes from being abused.