I posted back in August about my ex-husband's infidelity and our separation. I'm posting again as I can't understand my state of mind almost four months later...
For clarification:
- Context - we're slowly coming out of a very strict 100-day + lockdown during which I've felt incredibly isolated in my bubble of one
- I've made it clear that I have nothing left to say and that to me he'll be forever defined by his actions (i.e. a deeply dishonest person, with no moral compass whatsoever)
After blocking him for two months (he then resorted to writing emails to my work address) and feeling that I was finally making some progress with healing I made the mistake of unblocking him (stupidly, I just wanted to make a point that he was just another name in my 'contacts'). Of course he jumped at the opportunity with his phoney messages and although my response has remained the same throughout, it's sucked me back into the whole drama, obsessively thinking about what happened and what's going on and losing sleep again. Why??? I don't want him anywhere near me, never mind reconciliation!
My mental health has taken another battering and I'm ashamed to admit that I check the other woman's Instagram account. I seem to have this need to know what's going on even though...why? Is it exacerbated/prompted by the lockdown situation? Or a need to keep putting myself through pain...? And again, the constant thinking... even contemplating some revenge just to shame him: he's told his family that he made a mistake with someone else (and only because his parents obviously questioned him when I had the rest of his stuff delivered to their house). I want them to know the extent of it, not because their opinion matters but because he deserves the shame that will come with it. But it all feels so undignified, especially when I refused to even respond the other woman's emails with all the details and have refrained from discussing details with his family this far.
I have a lovely home, a great job, have been very disciplined about doing what I can to engage with others and bring positive activities into my life (yoga streaming, language classes via Zoom, book club) and there's no room for his toxic presence in my life, not even as an acquaintance.
On a separate note, I've just gone through a couple of old posts and it's actually embarrassing how I didn't take the good advice that I was given here to heart back in 2015, before I married the man. In the end, I found excuses for what was clearly unacceptable and went along with the 'fairytale' (how pathetic!) that I was sold.