Just Friends

[Robert5000]

My relationship has just collapsed because if my partners relationship with an other man. I just discovered she's been having a parallel relationship with another man for the last two years or so.

I want to describe my experience and get your advice.

We have a child together and have been in a relationship (on and off) for about six years. Her friend is married and works near her work.

Let's call her Louise and him Chris and his wife Jules.

She (Louise) argues that her friendship is platonic and I am being jealous and controlling. I argue that her behaviour is unreasonable for anyone in a monogamous relationship.

So last year she told me they were going out to the cinema together but it was nothing I should worry about, they were just friends. I later found out they had gone for a meal as well, which she had lied about.

They meet for drinks, gigs, films and dinner.

He 'likes' every single Instagram post she posts.

She has had a photograph of this guy with his baby in her living room for the past year.

She lied to me about meeting a friend for dinner and went to meet him instead.

I saw messages from her to him calling him "my love".

I saw messages from him saying "Want to get together for some daytime cinema fun?"

I saw a message from him saying "Jules and Sid are away next week so we could meet up?"

He messaged her saying he had got gig tickets for her birthday four months in advance.

This behaviour has destroyed our relationship as I have broken it off after months of arguing.

Have I done wrong? What do other people think?

You must walk away from this relationship. You say you have been on and off already for 6 years so it wasn't a committed relationship anyway despite you decided to have a child within this on/off thing going on. They are having an emotional affair at best. Just become a good co parent and let them get on with whatever it is they are having at the moment. Perhaps you need to look at why you stayed in such a relationship that seemed to have no foundations.

Thanks littlebird.

The basic question you need to answer for yourself is Are you OK with your partner dating another man who is married?

The secrecy and lies and the fact that he told her his wife and kid were away so they could meet up makes this more than a friendship.

Plenty of people have platonic friends of the opposite sex but they don’t usually have their photo up or call them “my love”! Some serious over stepping going on there from what you’ve said.

No I'm not. That's why I've split it up but I feel Ive been treated with complete contempt.

She has made no effort to normalise this 'friendship' or make it better. It's a secret intimate relationship.

As @litterbird says, an emotional affair at best. If you’re not her number 1, or not willing to make you her number 1, then your relationship isn’t going to work. The moment you felt deprioritised for another man, she should have been all over fixing this for you. Not only she didn’t do that, but she gaslights you by calling you jealous and controlling. Yeah, I’d be jealous if my girlfriend had a boyfriend on the side too. You’ve made the right decision.

You made the right decision

I think you've done the right thing. She is gaslighting you. Hiding in plain sight. Not even hiding it. The photo thing is especially wierd. But then again she's the kind of woman who has a baby during an on/off relationship. It's s bit of a crazy situation.

No you haven't done wrong at all, this situation is pretty much the same as what I am going through at the moment. I told my husband to get out.
It's awful when some accuses you of being controlling for having a problem with their inappropriate behaviour. I honestly know how you feel.
You shouldn't have to put up with someone gaslighting you and making you feel like you are the problem and not them, it's just simply not fair.

Thanks Rachel, sorry you are experiencing the same, it's been hell.

You did what anyone sensible would do. You're rightly aggrieved and she's done nothing to take your feelings into account.

You're not being controlling in wanting to be the man in your partner's life and fir her to give up this sort of relationship.

It is crazy situation. Unfortunately I have to co parent with her. Now that I have ended the relationship she used my son to tell me that me that Chris would be collecting my son from school.

There is the possibility that the other couple involved are in an open relationship, just no-one told me.

Now that the relationship has ended she is challenging her payments being resolved by Child Maintenance and demanding I pay her much more than is independently adjudged. I lent her money and she has no response to how she might pay me back.

Go down the legal route asap

What does that mean?

She sounds manipulative, lying to you and playing down the relationship. You are better off out of a relationship like that. They are corrosive.