How to approach wanting a baby with boyfriend with age gap?

[Ithinkiwantanother]

I am 38, him 31(39 very early next year and him 32) so 7 years different. But over an important child baring age gap really. I have one child age 5 with an abusive ex so that relationship is grey rocked really. Had therapy after few years single, been with new guy coming up to year and a half.

He is the most caring and kind person I have ever met and I wish I had my children with him, but I didn’t. Him and my daughter get on really well. I swore at the time I didn’t want more children as the experience was awful with my husband then.

I’ve had a few months now where I’ve been sad at having periods and I’m finding myself wanting one with him. I’ve been through so much I’m kind of all or nothing now (though obviously very careful with my finances as own my own home and not going through court and that again).

I feel like saying to him look I’m getting old, I’m 39 next year. What do you say to having or trying for a baby? He would make a terrific father and supportive partner. It would be nice to experience it with some one I loved. But that’s me and my wants. Don’t know how to approach is but my time is running out.

I think an honest conversation is your best option. Explain how you feel, and tell him that you think you’d like another baby. If that’s not what he wants, you’ll have to make a decision about what your next steps are.

Have you already discussed if he wants children?

I already had dc when I met dh. He was 31 and I was 41..we both knew early in we were serious. Hadn't imagined having more dc but felt we would be missing out not having one together.. He had never imagined having dc due to lack of self worth. A year later we ttc and I had a dc at 43.
Dh is a fab df. Been together 9 years and married now.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him how he feels about having a DC together. 31 is old enough if he wants children, and old enough to understand that your fertility is limited.

It would also be perfectly reasonable for him to say he doesn't want children, or doesn't want them yet. But I don't see that he could fault you for raising the matter.

I feel like saying to him look I’m getting old, I’m 39 next year. What do you say to having or trying for a baby?

So why don't you say that ^ ?
Seems to cover it.

I wouldn't personally say 'I'm getting old!' That would possibly be a turn off to him as he is only 31. I would find another way of saying that without using the word 'old'. In fact I would concentrate on the fact that you'd like a baby with him as your main driver and leave your age right out of it unless he suggests waiting a bit. If he does suggest waiting then I would take that as a sign he's not interested.

So at the moment, the only thing you’ve said about children is that you don’t want more? Did he?

You have to have a chat. How that is likely to go will depend on what his initial position was - if he also didn’t want kids, there’s a good chance he still won’t. If he does, or he’s open to the idea but not desperate for more, you can have a chat about timescales and fertility.

There’s no way around it without talking about it, and if he’s a good guy, hopefully that’ll be possible without you needing to overthink what you’re going to say very much.

Best of luck.

If he’s someone who doesn’t want children then your age and your status as a parent already, may have been part of your appeal. He may be very happy with the status quo.

Tbh OP there’s only one way to find out ….

I would definitely have the conversation with him, it's not like he's early 20s.

Has he mentioned wanting kids ever?

I'd ask him what his thoughts are and if he's in favour maybe suggest cracking on sooner rather than later.

If he's so wonderful I don't understand why you can't have an open, honest conversation with him. You need to address this as soon as possible because time is not on your side. You also need to know if he wants children in the future, because if he does, that may mean he won't be having them with you. The time is now to hash this out.

He has said in the past that he doesn’t mind but he would like them. I’m being an idiot. I want something that I just can’t have. I have a chronic health condition and pregnancy again would probably finish me off. I would have one in a heart beat without this. I can’t take the weight of denying him this. I also think I’m peri menopause, I don’t even know what Im thinking.

OP you've only been together 18 months, whilst i understand your age issue it's just to soon (IMO).

You need to be rock solid before adding a baby into the mix, your DD is only 5 she's so little.

I'd want to be married in your position before having anothet child. Also financially stable (apologies if you already are).

Do you live together? Whose house is it? Do you have room?

I’m financially stable. I’m just being unreasonable.

18 months is no time. You already have a child to consider too.

But at 39, I think you should raise this with him and see what he says. Don't wait u til you're 41 only for him to say 'I don't want kids until I'm 40 or so'. He's an adult, he can handle this conversation