Scared I’ll never find love again

[HurtingSoBadly]

Finally ended a long term relationship after realising he’s never going to want to get married.

It was horrible and painful but I know it’s the right thing for me, my mental and emotional well being.

But I still love him and am terrified that I’ll never find love again.

He wants to stay in touch but I said no.

Am I doing the right thing?

You ended your relationship for a valid reason for you. I left my dh at 44. Met the love of my life at 47.

I would go no contact. And allow at least a month per year of your relationship to heal from it as that is a popular mantra.

My bf's dh died after a awful death from MND. She met her next love 2 months later, which was a surprise and shock for many, and they are still v happy 2 years later. There is no rhyme nor reason than just being open and looking forward

That’s amazing. I am open to finding love again, we’d been together over 10 years and have been coming apart for the last 2 when I basically gave him an ultimatum. But he chose wanting to maintain his bachelor lifestyle over marriage and children. It was soul destroying and I feel like I’ve wasted the best years of my life.

I’m now mid 40s and I’ve missed the chance to have a family, but I still love him. Argh! It’s so incredibly painful.

Why do you love him? Do you love that he ignored what you most wanted and needed? Do you love that he kept you hanging on during your crucial child-bearing years until it is almost too late? Do you love that your relationship worked entirely on his terms, for his benefit?

Or...did you genuinely have such a fabulous, rewarding, romantic time together as adults who adored each other and benefited from the freedom of no kids by having endless adventures together and talking deep into the night and having spontaneous sex and all the other wonderful things that might make you think life isn't all marriage and kids.

Have you definitely missed the chance to have your own children? Have you had a fertility check? If having a child is important to you, do this now. Don't hang around.

What reasons do you have for being scared you'll never find love, given that many many people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s do?

What's so especially unlovable about you? (I'm thinking 'nothing')

@lunarlandscape

I know it’s going to sound weird but actually, of the two scenarios you describe, we were both.

I definitely wanted children when we first met. But now, I’m much less certain. I enjoy my life and freedom and wouldn’t be unhappy to remain childfree. It’s the love I miss though. I definitely 100% truly love him but I’m questioning whether he actually really ever did truly love me back and that’s what I’m struggling to come to terms with.

No contact is definitely the best way.

He will want to keep you dangling on a string hence the “let’s stay friends” bit. Don’t be surprised to get a “can u pop round” message at midnight when the pub has closed. It’s what these types do. Hedge their bets. You are worth more and you can love again. Lots of people do, why would that be any different for you?

Lots of people do, why would that be any different for you?

I’ve only ever been in love twice in my life. First with my first boyfriend and now with ex dp. I’ve had many, many short term - and long term relationships but have only been deeply and completely in love twice which makes me terrified that it won’t happen again for me.

But I’m not going back. He’s been messaging saying he misses me and just needs more time but he’s had 10 years.

Good decision.

You can find love again. You found it after love number one so there is no reason why there can’t be a love number three!

Never accept mediocrity in life. It leaves you totally unfulfilled yet so many do because they have no self belief. You have done the right thing. Take time to get over the relationship and then dust yourself down and get back on the horse!

Well done for making the big decision, but tbh and I mean this kindly you have wasted a lot of good years on this man.
Since you are now the age you are it would be difficult to meet someone who wants children asap.
Is marriage still so important to you...did you ever live together?

@crimsonlake

Do you mean I’ve wasted a lot of good years on this man so I better off staying? Or that because I’ve wasted a lot of good years on this man I should leave?

Yes we lived together for the last 4 years but it felt to me more like housemates by the end. He was still going on mates holidays without me and Christmas was always at our respective families never together.

Possibly the former, but now you have added the fact that you omitted regarding feeling like housemates it changes my view somewhat or possibly I mised that point.
Marriage is not so important to some people as they get older especially when no children are involved.
Lots of women would not object to a 'lads holiday; as long as you still went on joint holidays together.
I wonder why you never spent a Christmas together?
It seems as if there was more going on that you were discontent with apart from marriage and children basically.

Why is it so necessary to get married? Tbh, it sounds as though your relationship was in trouble anyway so it's just as well you didn't.

What I meant by it feeling more like housemates is that I felt he treated me a bit like a part time lover whilst still living the bachelor lifestyle whereas I wanted a proper commitment

When it was good it was amazing. I’ve never felt love like I do with him. But he blows hot and cold.

@Dillydollydingdong

That’s a good question. I think it’s because I see marriage as a public declaration of commitment, and in the eyes of the law.

@HurtingSoBadly

Lots of people do, why would that be any different for you?

I’ve only ever been in love twice in my life. First with my first boyfriend and now with ex dp. I’ve had many, many short term - and long term relationships but have only been deeply and completely in love twice which makes me terrified that it won’t happen again for me.

But I’m not going back. He’s been messaging saying he misses me and just needs more time but he’s had 10 years.

How much time does he need? ! Block him

Why is finding love again so important for you? I think that's a question well worth asking yourself. Would your life be pointless if you didn't?

'Terrified' is a big word to use for the state of not being in love. Are you more reliant on being in love than you want to be?

I think you are not ready for another relationship, which is why it feels so impossible. Of course you can recover from this and find love again, but it's not worth worrying about that now.

Remember the bad times and stay no contact. Take it one day at a time so it doesn't feel overwhelming.

Now is the time to luxuriate in doing whatever you feel like. Pamper yourself, TV, music, treat yourself to tickets to something. Then, when you meet someone, you'll want them in your life because of merit, not necessity.

His blowing hot amd cold probably means you've develooed an unhealthy attachment and need of validation from him. This oerson was not good to you so you should recognise that and break the head fuck with going NC

Massive sympathies OP. It sounds like you've made the right decision for you. I couldn't stay friends, at least not straight away.

I've ended a 3 year relationship today and feel literally sick with sadness. But it had to be done.

Take good care of yourself.