Awful relationship with my mother

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I have never really had good relationship with my mother. She struggles with mental health and anger. Probably grief having lost parents very young. But she has always exaggerated small behaviours or troubles.
She lies in bed most days shouting about everything any anything (eg on the TV fake accents.. comments eg She looks like a bitch)

This is not just on TV (but more due to lack of employment or social life). She cant walk far and refuses to visit places where she knows people

Anyway I'm fairly quiet and don't like conflict but since I settled down with my own dh and dc she's ramped it up. I'm selfish (used to visit twice a week and it reduced to once). One night my father verbally attached my dh as he said to my mother she was too hard on me. In hindsight I wish he never said anything.

Since then we've been in periods of no contact for two months a year.

Growing up applying for jobs she said 'oh marks take on a girl with special needs'. If I went out she'd scream the house down. I was drinking.. she never bought me sanitary towels or really nurtured me. Now I am so independent and have been since I left home and 18.

Even during university I stayed and lived in halls lonely rather than go home. When I did she said I treated it like a hotel. I used fo scrub the house clean to try and please her. Now none of the family are in contact with me.

She walked out 5 weeks ago in a tantrum as I said I had to finish some work and dh had to take our kids to his mother

Is anyone going though this

Have a look at the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationship pages. I think you would fit right in there.

I am not at all surprised you do not like conflict; this often happens to adult children of such an inadequate parent.

Your mother is not worthy of the term and she has basically neglected you emotionally and physically your whole life. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either. She has instead chosen to blame you for all her inherent ills and troubles and continues to behave abusively towards you. Regardless of why she is as she is (and it may well be she has some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder), its still not acceptable behaviour towards you.

Do not restart contact with someone this disordered of thinking; no good to you will come of it. If she is too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your children and husband too. Drop the rope entirely and detach completely. If the other set of grandparents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy then concentrate on them.

I am sorry that other family members have stopped contact with you; that is probably a blessing in disguise really. You do not mention your dad here; where is he?.

Have a look too at the Out of the FOG website and consider also seeing a BACP registered therapist for any and all fear, obligation and guilt that you carry.

Thanks Atilla
My father was very good to me growing up. He had to put up with a lot too. She managed to stir trouble and he didnt Talk to his closest brother for years.
Then my father took a job away from home but came back. During that time I was blamed for the loneliest year of her life. They both love mocking people under the guise of 'its a bit of a laugh. We have a sense of humour'.

Growing up my mother was often angry with my father for spoiling me.
Sad thing is now dad just gives me dirty looks or ignores me. They say they may aswell not have a daughter. Yet in the next breath they would die for us.

You get nothing from these relationships and they can only damage your children.

Walk away. You owe them nothing

This sounds so similar to my mother and I. Especially with her shouting at the TV and making nasty comments.

We have a very tricky relationship. She takes offence at EVERYTHING and has done her best to keep me close all my life, and she has succeeded up until just recently.

She has taught me a lot abouthow not to be a mother.

I could go on for longer but I just wanted you to know you're not alone x

From my experience, these periods of contact and no contact can go on forever. In my case nearly 5 decades since age 15! You will never really "win" or establish any true groundrules of acceptable behaviour or conduct and nothing is ever resolved , but thats how it is.

She walked out due to a silly tantrum you say. Enjoy the peace, let her stew in it. When she resumes contact, which she will at some point I'm pretty sure, I guess you are deciding what to do. It could be your opportunity to put down some very firm boundaries. Really firm, whatever suits you e.g. just see her in public, or only for short periods at her house, or only call her once a month, or indeed cut contact to VLC or NC again - whatever it is you want.

Warning, she will almost certainly balk at this and play angry waif, as indeed she has many times already. She sounds unhinged of course. In a way, you can't win as I said. All you can do is protect yourself and refuse to take any abuse - which you 100% have the right to do.

Cut them off! There isn't any benefit for you in continuing this relationship. I haven't spoken to my similar parents in 10 years and I would certainly never let their poison near my children. Good on your DH for speaking up for you!

Thanks so much. Your responses mean so much to me. The mocking of others- I used to let it wash over me but I can't anymore.
They also belittled me for years and years. But it just made me determined to do well and live a calm life.

I wish it wasn't like this though. That we were civil.