Undiagnosed ADHD spouse- negative parenting

[Sunsoaked]

He has the best of intentions and he loves our children to bits but my DPs parenting is very basic and sometimes, not even that.

He is undiagnosed ADHD- I'm pretty certain of that and he refuses to take any sort of screening for it.

The big problem is that it is impacting his parenting, so that he just shouts at the children if they don't do as he says. He can't strategize, can't empathise, can't be proactive. He just expects them to do as he says, when he says it and can't understand if they don't.

Bizarrely, he's a secondary school teacher who is well respected, but he gets by through having a little shout now and then to keep the children in line. This works for him and the kids generally respect him. I am also a teacher and don't condone or teach like this.

He can't expect young children to just be shouted at to do as he says though and I'm at a loss. I've bought parenting books which I've read myself and suggested he reads but he won't because he finds them boring. He has little self awareness so doesn't even acknowledge that he shouts as much as he does. My Dad shouted at me a lot growing up (undiagnosed autism- see the pattern?!) and I don't want the same for my kids.

My relationship with him is already on it's last legs, so those who might say "why are you with him?" I don't intend to be for much longer, but I wish he would sort out his parenting.

Are there any tips or strategies for ADHD parents of young children that might work?

Have you spoken to him about his own experiences of childhood? I wonder if he struggled in situations without clear boundaries and thrived in ones that had very clear rules (like school?) - not uncommon for a child with undiagnosed ASD. If so he may actually think he's giving the children what he wanted. It's hard as the relationship has broken down, though, because I think any conversation on parenting has to start from a position of mutual trust and empathy. It's a very sensitive topic for most people, both because it's high stakes and also because it usually relates to own our childhood. For reasons that, I realise, may be in no way your fault, it doesn't sound like you're in the right position to do that as a couple.

I guess it comes down to how bad it is? Is it not great or is it unacceptable? Because if you're planning to separate anyway then you probably can't change his parenting, the only real question is whether/how hard you're willing to fight to expose the children to as little of it as possible.

A teacher at my kids school was let go because of shouting. I don’t think it’s acceptable in a school unless the children are in danger or they are running riot. There’s a difference between shouting angrily and getting their attention. Sounds like he can’t separate school and work. Sounds horrific for you

ADHD tends to start in childhood so adults do not develop ADHD in adulthood.

I would think your partner is all sweetness and light to all those in the outside world (image is all important to abusers). It is for you and your kids his abusive treatment is directed at.

I would not assume he has ADHD at all: this man does this to you because he can. The fact he refuses to be at all screened for this is telling. You also seemingly attribute your dad's shouting at you whilst you were growing up to autism; again you cannot state ASD here as the cause for his abusive behaviour. It could well be that you're actually in a relationship with someone who is abusive and like your own dad.

I would not waste any more time on him and instead plan your exit from this asap before your own self and your children are any more emotionally harmed by him. Your children in all likelihood fear him as much as you do; his actions here are certainly not loving ones.

I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid too.

You are pretty certain of something you don’t seem to understand based on your post. Again it is based on your post as I can’t read your mind or know your situation.

That isn’t all ADHD sorry. I work in the space and it’s wild how misunderstood it is.

You can strategize you can emphasize. You can be calm, caring, and understanding. You can focus (gasp!).

I suggest you find a way for him to be seen for whatever it is he has. He could have ADHD but it is really misinformed to attribute these things to the disease state.

ADHD doesn’t mean you aren’t proactive either. Again, wildly misinformed.

Now depression? Maybe. ASD? Maybe?

ADHD can be comorbid with many disease states. But I’m thinking it’s something else entirely.

At the end of the day I can’t know and neither can you until he gets seen. But I’d rethink the ADHD line of thinking…

@AttilaTheMeerkat is actually really got it.

Don’t bother on someone who won’t be seen. But don’t attribute diagnoses of any sort either. Just take care of you.

You are going to have to look out for what you need. You have more to think about than this man.

It’s a shame he isn’t interested in being assessed as it would help strategies.

Either way shouting equates with loss of control. My DP sounds similar and I try and preempt things so that I’ll provide a strategy for him to use just before its needed. That way he’s learning on the job by doing, which sounds more his style.

I lived with my ex for 15 years. He was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years before I ended the relationship. I suspect he had asd. He actually had a lot of mood swings. A lot of the time my dd and I were walking on egg shells. He would shout and lose his temper. I ended it, force reasons - one because of an affair and two because of his shouting/mood swings. The atmosphere in our house is now happy and calm so much so that my dd commented on how much better it is.

Bad people have ADHD, just like good people.

Like depression.

Like anything.

It’s not an excuse and it doesn’t cause those who have it to not understand right or wrong.

I’m glad @gonnabeok got out of her situation. Being caught up with a bad person is no way to live ADHD or not

What makes you think he has ADHD? I can't tell from your post.

There's 'undiagnosed ADHD' and then there's straight up assholery.

Your H is a straight up asshole.

@JustKittenAround

You are pretty certain of something you don’t seem to understand based on your post. Again it is based on your post as I can’t read your mind or know your situation.

That isn’t all ADHD sorry. I work in the space and it’s wild how misunderstood it is.

You can strategize you can emphasize. You can be calm, caring, and understanding. You can focus (gasp!).

I suggest you find a way for him to be seen for whatever it is he has. He could have ADHD but it is really misinformed to attribute these things to the disease state.

ADHD doesn’t mean you aren’t proactive either. Again, wildly misinformed.

Now depression? Maybe. ASD? Maybe?

ADHD can be comorbid with many disease states. But I’m thinking it’s something else entirely.

At the end of the day I can’t know and neither can you until he gets seen. But I’d rethink the ADHD line of thinking…

^All of this.

You can have ADHD and be a totally shitty parent. You can have ADHD and be an exceptional parent. The two things aren't necessarily related.

I don't recognise your description as being typical of an ADHD presentation at all.

So, ADHD.....it can be difficult to absorb lots of information. You can get very distracted at times. It can be difficult to just sit and chill without your brain firing off in a million directions. You can get over-focused on a certain subject. You absolutely can plan - but you might not end up seeing your plans right through to the end. You can empathise, have friends. You can see the wider picture and strategise - but you might not always know which thread to start pulling at first, and even then you might jump onto the next bit without finishing the first bit. You might repeat yourself in conversations, or you might drift off accidentally and not listen to what someone says.

All of these ADHD traits sit alongside your personality. They aren't the only thing that define a person. There's nothing that says that an ADHD person shouts. Literally nothing.

If anything I'd be more inclined to autism than ADHD but that's a wild stab in the dark based on a tiny snippet of information. There's no way of telling from what you've written - and nor should we be trying to. As JustKitten says, it could equally be depression - especially with the difficulty in concentrating on reading info.

Your description/assumptions are quite insulting to people with ADHD.

Disclaimer: I am autistic and have ADHD.

You should think about asking for a title change.

Imagine having the thing that the general uninformed public see no issue attaching to every possible bit of bad / negative / abusive / nasty / lazy / fucked up behaviour . And not being able to come onto Mumsnet without being reminded of it every single week.

I have the actual diagnosed type of adhd (not the tiktok adhd, the little bit adhd, or the shitty partner must be adhd type of adhd) and I can definitely strategise, be proactive, and feel empathy.

Sounds like he has a bully streak and a gross misunderstanding of child development to be honest. If he can't read a book (which is fair enough) I'm sure there are loads of youtube videos on 1-2-3 magic or whatever it's called these days he could watch. Worked a charm for mine. I suspect he'll have an excuse for that too though...

I think we’ve of the educated ADHD brigade have made out points…. I will refocus on this woman who needs support…

OP you have come here for help and we are here.

I just have to make sure you don’t use ADHD as a thing to excuse or prolong your own pain.

ADHD folks do fine on their own. In spades. Believe it.

But what about you? What of your needs? You’re family and your aspirations?

You have to take agency over your own life. You are the only one who can. I am in your corner. It is 100% up to you. It always has been.

Thank you all of you.
I'm really sorry if I've been naive and offended anyone with ADHD. I have nothing against anyone who has it at all, but perhaps was looking for excuses for his behaviour. I do feel there is something not quite neurotypical but much of the behaviour could be down to personality traits.

I just want to post that I’m sorry. Obviously, it’s not your post that has me up in arms about the disease state stuff. It’s just oddly common here.

I apologize for not refocusing on your actual needs. You need to be able to vent about what you're going through.

Please continue and I just want you to know you deserve better than the treatment you’re getting AND there is NO EXCUSE for you to have to endure it.

I sympathise, op. My dp is very similar with our 3 year old. Since writing my essay on ADHD for my psych degree (4 years ago) I’m convinced dp struggles with it. He has symptoms of the combined type.
He’s a very intelligent man with brilliant memory and can be very empathetic in the right moment. However, with ds he struggles with his executive function a lot and forgets how to do the small things for the benefit of the long term. It’s really frustrating and I find myself acting as a referee all the time, having to remind dp of ds developmental capabilities. He would never enforce any kind of discipline but seems to think a raised voice will help?

I also am here for OP

@Rno3gfr degree? Which degree and training? Do you currently work in the mental health space?

What was the thesis of the essay you mentioned?

Mentioning your essay and degree naturally (as you know) adds weight to your words..

I am struggling as a professional to find how your personal observations equal any comments as to why OPs assholery equals ADHD?

I am here to learn, please illuminate? Maybe i am not understanding. Thank you.

He can't expect young children to just be shouted at to do as he says though and I'm at a loss. I've bought parenting books which I've read myself and suggested he reads but he won't because he finds them boring.

He feels it is beneath him to follow the advice of people who write parenting books because he thinks he is God Almighty.

His expectations of his little DS' capabilities are inappropriate because this is how you bully someone small who can't defend himself or walk out in protest. It looks like stubbornness and inept parenting, not the kind of physical abuse that raises eyebrows in nurseries - so he is cunning as well as abusive - but sustained treatment of this kind will do terrible damage your DS.

@Sunsoaked
You need to make firm plans to leave.

My daughter has ADHD and she doesn't shout but struggles with focussing, inattention and suffers anxiety as a comorbidity.
She is the most sensitive, kind, gentle and empathetic person you could imagine.

My son has autism. Again he is a kind, gentle person and doesn’t shout or intimidate people.

I think your DH sounds plain abusive tbh.
He’s doing it coz he can and it gets him what he wants easily.

Be kind to yourself and your children and get rid of him.