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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been unreasonable?

24 replies

Rachael83 · 28/11/2021 22:00

Hi everyone,

Just looking for a bit of support. I've very recently separated from my husband and I'm going through a really tough time. Suddenly family members start falling off your friends list on Facebook, people who said they cared appear to be able to just cut you off immediately etc

So basically what's happened is my husband suddenly started spending a lot of time with a female colleague. They would go off for days out together (on one occasion he left at 8am and didn't return until midnight) they meet for coffee upto 3 times a week and on some occasions drive out to remote areas so they can have a more private chat.

He said that there is nothing going on and I should trust him as he hasn't given me reason to not trust him before. Am I the only one who finds this behaviour really inappropriate for a married man?

I told him almost every day that I was uncomfortable with it but he wouldn't change anything because he said he wasn't doing anything wrong. Even when I was trying my best to mend things between us with a couple activity, he picked his phone up to text her.

Should I have been more understanding of their 'friendship'? Or am I totally justified in having told him to leave?

Apologies for the long post

OP posts:
Andyjakeydan · 28/11/2021 22:08

I'm a bloke and i think your husband needs to take a long hard look at himself and realise he's taking the piss.... You did exactly the right thing telling him to leave 👍

Tittyfilarious81 · 28/11/2021 22:12

I don't think you did anything wrong ,there is absolutely no way I would stand for my husband behaving this way it's completely unacceptable to spend that amount of time with another woman especially as you told him you didn't find it comfortable.

Original poster
Rachael83 · 28/11/2021 22:18

Thank you both for your reply, I appreciate your support

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 28/11/2021 22:28

His behaviour is beyond inappropriate. You told him you were unhappy about it and he continued…what else were you supposed to do? Would HE be happy, if you were doing that with a bloke from work??? If my DH stayed out until midnight, having “private chats” with another woman and could see no problem with it? I would pack for him and the door would smack him up the arse on his way out!

OrangeIsTheNewRed · 28/11/2021 22:31

He can get to fuck. You are not unreasonable at all.

Feelingoktoday · 28/11/2021 22:36

Your H is 100% being unreasonable. It sounds like an affair to me.

thefourgp · 28/11/2021 22:36

You did the right thing. He was obviously having an affair and treating you with disrespect. Close friends and family often say they won’t take sides but ultimately do when it’s a difficult separation and that’s got nothing to do with which partner caused the break up. It’s all about which person they want in their life going forward. It sucks but you just have to accept the bond you had with them was based on a certain social structure that’s changed. I was close to my ex husband’s aunt and cousin but when we separated and he treated me and our children appallingly, they made it clear they wanted me to tolerate his shitty behaviour and my relationships with them ended too.

Original poster
Rachael83 · 28/11/2021 23:14

Thank you for your replies, it's comforting to know that I wasn't being crazy and it wasn't 'all in my head' as had been suggested to me on several occasions

OP posts:
nocnoc · 28/11/2021 23:16

Wow of course you are not being unreasonable. He was having an affair!

SarahDippity · 28/11/2021 23:22

You will find that family and friends can develop a remarkably different view of what’s tolerable in a relationship, but that in no way means you should tolerate having your feelings ignored. Stick to your values Flowers

Babyvenusplant · 28/11/2021 23:25

He was 100% involved in an affair with her, even if it wasn't physical YET. You have done the right thing and if people want to side with him, then they're not worth your time Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2021 23:28

He's having an affair, practically right in front of your face. He's treating you as though he thinks you're stupid.

Dery · 28/11/2021 23:37

There was most definitely something going on; even if it wasn't yet physical (and tbh it sounds like it must have been) - there seems to have been a ridiculously inappropriate level of emotional intimacy. To suggest otherwise is an insult to your intelligence. Spend long days out together; drive out to remote areas so they can have a more private chat!? I mean WTAF. I don't behave like that with my dearest friends - female or male. The only person I would behave like that with was someone I was romantically involved with - in the early stages of a relationship when you're completely absorbed with each other and if you have no other demands on your time and attention. You know that and that's why you responded the way you did. He's shown you he doesn't give a fuck about your feelings. I'm glad you've stood up for yourself and not tolerated his bullshit.

Fadette · 28/11/2021 23:53

It definitely sounds like you did the right thing. And even if it was just a friendship (which seems really unlikely) he didn't care that you felt uncomfortable about it. That's not how a loving husband behaves.

Other people's reactions don't mean anything. People say and do stupid amd selfish things. It doesn't mean your decision was wrong. When I went NC with someone in my family who was abusive and made up potentially serious lies about me I had loads of family pressurising me to sweep it all under the carpet just because it made things "uncomfortable" for them! They didn't really care how it affected me.

I've also learnt recently about the selfishness/unkindness of people when I got cancer and one of my closest friend's immediate reaction was to say that she was really busy so I shouldn't expect much support from her. It's really hurtful but ultimately it reflects on her character and not mine. Certainly a big kick in the teeth though!

Original poster
Rachael83 · 29/11/2021 19:39

Thank you all for your support

OP posts:
YuleHaveAWonderfulChristmas · 29/11/2021 19:54

100% you have done the right thing.

..and well bloody done for not allowing him to treat you like shit for a second longer.

TheFoundations · 29/11/2021 20:25

@Rachael83

Thank you for your replies, it's comforting to know that I wasn't being crazy and it wasn't 'all in my head' as had been suggested to me on several occasions
It doesn't matter even if it was all in your head. A decent partner will respect your feelings, even if they're completely ridiculous. Their priority list will have 'you feeling happy' pretty near the top.

So, even if you're scared of spiders (in the uk), for example, which is nuts because there is nothing to be afraid of, your partner deal with any spider the two of you come across. Only a crap partner would say 'It's all in your head, so you're just going to have to deal with it.'

He could have prioritised your feelings, and he didn't. He prioritised something else, someone else. He took care of his feelings, at the expense of yours. That makes him an unworthy partner, and there's no need to judge your feelings at all, in this, or any other situation.

Yummypumpkin · 29/11/2021 20:28

I think one of the weirdest and most hurtful things is the people who drop you when you divorce. Seen it so many times and just don't understand it.

It shouldn't need spelling out that if you're in a relationship you don't date other people...and it sounds like he was and it sounds like when you challenged him he wasn't sorry and didn't change.

You did what you had to.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/11/2021 09:56

Good for you for having the self respect to deal with this. You told him you weren't comfortable with the carry on..rightly so..he had an opportunity to stop but choose not to. Then you took the only next step available so hold your head high as a complete lesson in how to deal with a disloyal dh.
An emotional affair is as destructive as a physical one, sometimes more as he is giving to another woman what rightfully belongs only to you.
Fair dues to you and your ex is a fool.

Original poster
Rachael83 · 30/11/2021 12:58

Thank you all, it really means a lot to hear from people who are 'neutral' in this that you still agree I've done the right thing. I kept questioning myself because I worried that friends and family will be biased towards me so may not tell me if they thought I was being unreasonable, thanks again, I really appreciate it at this traumatic time

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 30/11/2021 15:01

You are the only person who gets to decide whether you're being reasonable or not. People who love and respect you will respect your points of view, even if then disagree. Anybody who doesn't... well, restrict their access to you; they're not good for you.

There is no over-arching rule about what is or isn't reasonable. You will thing one thing, and others might think something else. Your own view of yourself is the thing to have faith in, not others' view of you.

Feel your feelings, hold your views. You're a decent person, so you're not going to have any outlandishly damaging or harmful views, even if you let your feelings run riot. Present them to the world in a respectful way, but don't try to limit them. That's limiting your heart, your soul, the true, deep, passionate, creative, loving, vibrant Rachael83... do you really want to be limiting her?

Signalstation · 30/11/2021 15:06

Completely inappropriate behaviour from your husband. He is taking the piss.

WhenSepEnds · 30/11/2021 15:08

@OrangeIsTheNewRed

He can get to fuck. You are not unreasonable at all.
This.
Alltheblue · 30/11/2021 15:09

You were justified.

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