Hi all
I just don't know where to turn to so i've joined MumsNet in order to get some advice from people who don't know me and can give me unfiltered advice.
I started a relationship with somebody at work 9 weeks ago. It had been building for weeks/months beforehand and one day we had a moment at work. We did nothing about it as we were both thinking the other wasn't interested and so we both waited until we were working together again which is when we both realised that there was something between us. A week or so later I started messaging her and before we knew it we were inseparable. Everything clicked - great sex, same interests, thought the same and there was a connection that I have never felt with anyone I have ever been with before. I got on great with her son and he loved me. A couple of weeks into our relationship and we had already used the L word and my feelings for her just got stronger and stronger. She told me that she felt the same. She sent me photos of engagement rings and we got engaged 3 weeks ago. She discussed having kids and we agreed on the timescale (18 months to 2 years) and she even discussed me moving in with her which I would have happily done.
However, appearances can be deceiving as this all began to change. After the conversation about me moving in, she discussed this with her baby daddy (baby being 8 years old). He said that we shouldn't do it and so the move was off.
We butted heads a few times over her meeting up with exes. She already had baby daddy who she had an extremely close relationship with and when I met him he was clearly annoyed that she had chosen to be with me but she passed it off as a joke. She also meets up with two other exes three or four times a year each. I was told that if I had a problem with this then I was to get lost as she would not be changing. One of these exes meets up with her behind his wifes back and even sneaks out of work so no-one knows they're meeting. Now, she explained that these guys are just friends but i've never had to hide meeting up with my friends so why would he? And why would she be OK with being a secret? Then there is the other ex that she was messaging to tell him how much he had hurt her. The first message she discussed with me before she sent it and I was supportive of her doing it as long as it didn't mess her head up. However, when he replied, she told me she wouldn't reply and then did so without discussing it with me. She eventually told me about it and showed me the emails and there was nothing to worry about. She told me that she was done and that she wouldn't contact him again but then, one day, whilst on the phone to me I can see she is distracted and that's because she is contacting him but this time completely unnecessarily...not even to continue the 'I hate you' messaging. When she finally told me about it I was upset that she lied to me the day I was on the phone to her as she told me she wasn't distracted but also because she had no reason to contact him at all (for someone she had repeatedly declared she hated). Even though I was upset, she couldn't understand why so she turned to baby daddy who told her that she was in the wrong and that he could understand why i'd be upset. In fact, speaking to baby daddy about our relationship was something that happened often, much to my ignorance until she admitted it yesterday.
I had noticed, before the below paragraph, that her phone became a prized possession. She used to leave it lying around and said that I could check it if I wanted. But then, her phone was NEVER left unattended. She's nearly dropped it down the loo on multiple occasions and even started taking it to her son's bedroom with her when she said goodnight. The idea that I could check it appeared to vanish because there was zero access. When we're not together her use of WhatsApp and FB is off the chart. You would barely see her on either but now she is on there every 15 mins or so.
Next, was our engagement which she called off two weeks ago....like a bolt from the blue. She had been looking at wedding venues, sending honeymoon ideas, asking friends to come wedding dress shopping and was telling everyone we were engaged...everyone at work knows. But, all of a sudden, she decided that she still loves her ex (the one she was messaging), doesn't know how she feels about me (but also said she loves me), that she doesnt want to get married and doesn't want to have a baby.
I'm absolutely brokenhearted, I can't understand what changed. I have never ever felt this way before, we had a connection that i've never had with anyone. We could effectively read each others minds and I can feel what she is feeling even if we're not together. It's weird but amazing at the same time. She has basically said that everything was fine and then the next morning she woke up after having some dreams about her ex and as a result we can't be together. However, we are still together...sort of. I've told her that I love her and she said she loves me and then that she cares for me...although the L word has now dropped from her vocabulary. I want to hang around to see if she goes back to being in love with me and she now says she doesn't want us to be over either but that she doesn't think I should wait for her. She has told me that she hasn't cheated on me and has no intention of doing so but that something just changed overnight. She has told me that she won't be getting with anyone else after me, if we don't work out.
I've never been one to fall in love so quickly. I've even scoffed at people who behave like we have. We had discussed what we were doing at Christmas, have a holiday next year, she even leant me a small amount of money. None of this was behaviour likely to show that we weren't going to be together. I literally cannot imagine my future without her although more recently the idea that we're not going to be together is making my future look bleak.
I'm confused and don't know what to do. My head says this is over and that I should walk away, my heart says that we both felt the same and that doesn't just vanish overnight. We've just been on a 3 night city break where things were awkward but whilst we were there we had amazing sex one night, the rest of the time it felt like she couldn't get far enough away from me. She is ringing me 3-5 times a day, has been to visit me on a number of occasions since all this happened but our kisses are different, she doesn't hold my hand anymore when we're together, she couldn't even sit next to me on the sofa today. Then today, when she left, she gave me a hug that definitely meant something...definitely.
I'm so confused!